Alan Partridge Quotes

Each quote on this page will make you groan!

Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge
Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images

Each Alan Partridge quote on this page is unlike anything you have ever read before. The humor is off-beat, and you will have to spend some time getting used to it. But, Alan Partridge has a cult following, and as they say, a million Britishers cannot be wrong!

"All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white.

Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of, mineral water."

"And, can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an action man bow-tie."

"BANG! I'm James Bond."

"Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time, I have nine bottles of wine in my house."

Classic conversation to Lynn about Dan: "Dan's a fantastic man! He really is. I was talking to him early and he asked me what kind of phone I had and I said a Motorola Timeport. And he said, 'that's saaad, you wanna upgrade'. I said, so do you—to a new face. He nearly soiled himself! He said he was laughing so hard he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils, and that made me laugh. But...my nostrils were clear."

"Do you know what this bathroom says to me?

Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus."

"Electrolysis. For hair removal... and... dissidents."

"Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man 'round all day. Not fair on either of them."

"Ha ha ha ha ha. You've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa! Bloody Sofa."

"Hello is that Curry's? I'd like to place an order for two supplementary, auxiliary speakers, to go with my Midi Hi-Fi system, apropos achieving surround sound. Apropos...it's Latin. You got to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in..Curry's. Oh , you've got them excellent, one last thing, what time do you knock-off? Fancy going for a drink? No? Sorry, just thought I'd ask."

"I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go?"

"You make pigs smoke!"