Are You Sure You Want Him Back?

Relationship Advice

Broken Heart - Missing Puzzle Piece
Missing Piece Heart Puzzle. pearleye / Getty Images

Reader Question:

My partner left me 6 months ago and moved in with the woman he had been seeing for a few months before. We have not really had contact since. Does he regret it? Does he want to come back and doesn't know how? Or is he happy with her and going to stay with her? If he splits from her, does he still love me and miss me or not? ~Sam

Response from Anandra: Dear Sam, Thank you for writing.

It sounds like you'd enjoy a sense of peace and security in knowing that you are loved and lovable. First and foremost, I hope you can source fulfillment from inside yourself. Then, the question for me is... do you want him back?

Whether or not he loves you, misses you, or wants to come back, to me, is quite secondary to how you feel. Were your needs for trust, honesty, respect, communication, caring, consideration, etc. sufficiently met in your relationship with him? Please honor yourself by being 100% honest.

Why Do You Want Him Back?

If this relationship falls short of meeting those needs for YOU, but you still want him back, I'd like to ask why. You may want to inquire within yourself, to observe the beliefs you have about yourself, your self-esteem, your value as a person.

So often, people gauge their worthiness by whether or not their objects of love reflect that love back to them. In other words, we feel good about ourselves only when the person we "love" appears to "love" us.

When they "love" us the way we want, we're elated. When they don't, we're crushed.. and on top of that, we make take it as proof of our unworthiness, and a vicious cycle that drains our self-esteem is perpetuated.

Obviously he's not loving you the way you want to be loved, but you don't have to take that as proof that you're not lovable, OK?

If I called him a douche-bag for cheating and leaving you, that wouldn't be very enlightened or life-coachy, so I'll refrain. I'll choose to focus on the fantastic opportunity for self-growth that's right in front of you.

To get out of this cycle is one of the most exhilarating, empowering, wonderful challenges of life. There's no way out other than to truly own your inherent beauty and your essential worthiness, to find the source of boundless love within you. And when you know who you truly are, what other people do or don't do has no effect on your happiness.

I'd suggest you focus on nurturing yourself, accepting yourself, and surrounding yourself with a truly supportive environment in which you can reveal beyond a shadow of a doubt the beautiful soul that you are. If this sounds far-fetched or impossible (but I assure you, it's not!), you might want to get some assistance to filter out your old belief systems and shape a more creative, loving outlook on life. It might take some time to fully own your true power, but from my point of view that's a much more fulfilling endeavor than to worry and wonder about whether or not your ex-partner will come back.

If he does, you'll be better able to discern whether or not you really want to re-engage your energy with him...

whether trust can be re-built between you or not. If he doesn't, you'll still be happier than ever. And, if it's your wish, you're likely to find a much more fulfilling relationship in the future.

If you need a cheerleader, let me know. I love helping people get free.

Reader Comment

I do love this advice. I have been talking with a friend about whether to give a relationship a 2nd chance. He is not sure he really gave her a first chance. I love the question, Were your needs sufficiently met during the relationship? That’s the part I could not figure out how to get through to him last night. Love how you put it all out there to be considered by the person, and allow them to make the decision with the right information. ~Santanita

Disclaimer: Anandra's advice is not meant to override your personal health providers' recommendations/prescriptions, but is intended to offer a new perspective and encourage your inner wisdom to guide the best course of action.