Best Barney Stinson Quotes

Barney Stinson is awesome. How do we know? Because the supremely confident womanizer played by Neil Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother never lets anyone forget it. The show may be on the road to romantic love for main character Ted Mosby, but the most entertaining parts of any episode are the hilarious one-liners and bold proclamations made by Barney. Here’s a selection of the best Barney Stinson quotes from ​How I Met Your Mother.

From “Columns” (Season 2):

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Lily is working on a painting of Barney holding a sword.
Lily: “I don't think your sword will fit.”
Barney: “I get that a lot.”

From “Zip, Zip, Zip” (Season 1):

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Chastising Ted for waiting to have sex with a woman: “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.”

From “Slutty Pumpkin” (Season 1):

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Explaining his strategy for Halloween parties: “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.”

From “The Chain of Screaming” (Season 3):

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Barney, reacting to Ted’s new car: “Shotgun for eternity!”
Robin: “You can't call shotgun for eternity.”
Barney: “I call that I can call things.”

From “How I Met Everyone Else” (Season 3):

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First explaining to Marshall about his unique qualities: “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

From “Lucky Penny” (Season 2):

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Describing the simplicity of running a marathon: “Step one, you start running. There is no step two.”

From “Single Stamina” (Season 2):

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Barney, describing his brother: “He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!”
Lily: “He's exactly like Barney.”
Barney: “That's what I just said.”

From “Return of the Shirt” (Season 1):

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Advising Ted not to look up old girlfriends: “There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.”

From “Do I Know You?” (Season 4):

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Getting defensive about his potential love for Robin: “You know who is confused? Bimbos. They’re easily confused. It’s one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares; their sluggish, unencumbered minds; their unresolved daddy issues. I love them Lily, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin—mostly thin. B-man don’t do thick crust, what up!”

From “The Yips” (Season 3):

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Reminiscing about his first sexual experience: “That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”

From “Atlantic City” (Season 2):

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Defending his grooming choices: “If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don’t think there would’ve been a feature about it in Details magazine.”

From “No Tomorrow” (Season 3):

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Schooling Ted on the rules of cheating: “Open your brain tank, bro, ’cause here comes some premium 91-octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.”

From “Rebound Bro” (Season 3):

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Giving his new friend advice on meeting women: “Now remember my three beginner’s tips for picking up chicks: Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.”

From “The Rough Patch” (Season 5):

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In a taped message recorded over one of his porn videos: “Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape—and I knew you’d pick this one—you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things: Either I’m dead, or I’m now in a committed relationship. If I’m dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and re-creating Weekend at Bernie’s. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!”

From “Last Cigarette Ever” (Season 5):

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Justifying his smoking habit: “I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans (sometimes those two overlap), coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course—wait for it—’cause Lord knows I have—pregnancy scares.”

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Bell, Josh. "Best Barney Stinson Quotes." ThoughtCo, Oct. 3, 2016, thoughtco.com/best-barney-stinson-quotes-3279766. Bell, Josh. (2016, October 3). Best Barney Stinson Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/best-barney-stinson-quotes-3279766 Bell, Josh. "Best Barney Stinson Quotes." ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/best-barney-stinson-quotes-3279766 (accessed November 24, 2017).