Best Donald Trump Jokes

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Stephen Colbert on Trump and Privilege

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"Donald Trump is so privileged that the first job he ever had to apply for was president of the United States." –Stephen Colbert

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Trevor Noah on Handling Trump

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"You don’t argue with a toddler if you want to win; don’t amplify the toddler’s voice, because you’ll just get trapped in the toddler’s world. Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate, because logic is the downfall of every toddler." –Daily Show host Trevor Noah on handling Donald Trump

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Jimmy Fallon on Trump's Victory

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After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. He said he couldn’t have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half...FBI Director James Comey." –Jimmy Fallon

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Bill Maher on Trump's Victory

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"So enjoy your victory, Trump voters! Because when you’re dying because you don’t have health insurance to treat the infection you got from a back alley abortion you had to get because of fetal lead poisoning, you can say to yourself, ‘At least I didn’t vote for someone with a private email server.'" –Bill Maher

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05
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Seth Meyers on Hillary's Emails

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"Donald Trump still hasn't released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he's going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media's talking about is emails. It's like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration." –Seth Meyers

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Bill Maher on Trump Voters

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"But, you know, Trump voters—really? Not even the guy who says he wants to f**k his daughter? This is not a deal-breaker for you? I mean, what does it take? A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist. You know we’re a nuclear power, right? These are red flags." –Bill Maher

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07
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Seth Meyers on GOP "Pussyfooting"

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"Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and 'stop pussyfooting around.' That's the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, 'I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.'" –Seth Meyers

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08
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Jimmy Kimmel on Trump's Sexual Misconduct

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"As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of 'he said' and 'she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

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Trevor Noah on Rigging the Election

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"Oh, Donald Trump, the media is not 'rigged' against you. They're just recording what you say and playing it back. If anything, you’re rigging your own campaign." –Trevor Noah

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Seth Meyers on the Trump Tape

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"NBC suspended Billy Bush for his words on the Trump tape, which means there is currently a higher standard for host for third hour of the Today Show than there is for the Republican nominee for president." –Seth Meyers

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Michael Che on Trump and Sexual Assault

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"You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists. Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish." –Michael Che on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

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Seth Meyers on Why We Should Believe Trump

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"Trump denied the (groping) allegations, calling them 'ludicrous' at a rally today. But here's the problem for Trump: There's very good reason to believe he did what he's accused of. Why? Because an irrefutable, inside source told us so: Donald Trump. Donald Trump is his own Deep Throat. He's Creep Throat." –Seth Meyers

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13
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Conan O'Brien on Trump's Charity Foundation

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"Donald Trump's charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, 'I'd like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I'll funnel it through Donald Trump.'" –Conan O'Brien

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Bill Maher on Trumps Temperament

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"Donald Trump had a meltdown about what a great temperament he has. It was like watching someone carve 'I'm not a psycho' into their arm." –Bill Maher on the first presidential debate

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Jimmy Fallon on Hillary's Debate Prep

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"Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter's second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more." –Jimmy Fallon

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Stephen Colbert on Trump's Tax Return

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"Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That's right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, 'The house always loses.'" –Stephen Colbert

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Seth Meyers on Trump's Birther Charade

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"Donald Trump was still saying Obama's birth certificate could be fake last year. And I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real." –Seth Meyers on Trump finally admitting that Obama was born in the United States

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Jimmy Fallon on Trump's Temperament

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"Donald Trump was actually describing himself in an interview this week and said that his strongest suit is his temperament. Although sadly, even that suit is made in China." –Jimmy Fallon

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Conan O'Brien on Trump's Deportation Task Force

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"Last night, Donald Trump said if he's elected, he will employ a 'deportation task force.' It's not really necessary, because if he's elected most people will probably leave voluntarily." –Conan O'Brien

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Jimmy Fallon on Trump and Vacations

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"The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn't take any vacations as president. I think that's because he has offended so many other countries he can't leave this one." –Jimmy Fallon

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Jimmy Fallon on the 12-Year-Old Helping Run Trump's Colorado Campaign

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"A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump's campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, 'Look, he's the nominee and we're stuck with him.'" –Jimmy Fallon

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Conan O'Brien on Trump's Appeal to Black Voters

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"This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, 'What the hell do you have to lose?' Coincidentally, that's also the way he proposed to all three of his wives." –Conan O'Brien

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Seth Meyers on Trump's Campaign Shakeup

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"So, Trump got rid of his old campaign chairman who was trying to get him to tone down his rhetoric and hired people who want him to be even more controversial. Trump’s like an alcoholic who fires his doctor and starts getting medical advice from his bartender." –Seth Meyers

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Seth Meyers on Trump's Disastrous Campaign

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"In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W Bush's time in office. Said voters, 'Yeah, but I'm not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.'" –Seth Meyers

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Jimmy Fallon on Trump Kicking a Baby Out of His Rally

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"Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, 'Get the baby out of here.' It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

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Stephen Colbert on Support for Trump and Giant Meteor

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"A new poll by Public Policy Polling shows Hillary Clinton getting 43 percent, Donald Trump with 38 percent, and this was an actual choice, a giant meteor hitting the earth got 13 percent. 38 percent for Trump, 13 percent for meteor — that adds up to 51 percent of the people okay with the world coming to an end. Yes, two giant destructive orange balls." –Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert on Russia Hacking the DNC

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"While they were in the DNC cyber matrix, the Russians apparently stole opposition research on Donald Trump. Russia, what are you doing? If you want damaging information about Donald Trump, just wait for him to talk." –Stephen Colbert

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Jimmy Fallon on Trump's Racism

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"Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the 'textbook definition' of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University." –Jimmy Fallon

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Seth Meyers on Clinching the Nomination

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"It's official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president." –Seth Meyers

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Conan O'Brien on Trump's Polls

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"Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation." –Conan O'Brien

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Jimmy Fallon on Trump's Ex-Campaign Manager

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"Donald Trump fired his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Trump said Lewandowski was controversial, impulsive and short-tempered – and will make a great running mate." –Jimmy Fallon

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Seth Meyers on Trump's Attack on Judge Curiel

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"Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel's Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, 'Oh, no, he's an Indian, too?'" –Seth Meyers

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Conan O'Brien on Trump Losing

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"Yesterday, Donald Trump said, 'If I lose, I don't think you'll ever see me again.' So finally, a Trump campaign slogan we can all get behind." –Conan O'Brien

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Conan O'Brien on a Trump Presidency

Donald Trump
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"Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them 'anxious.' And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them 'Canadian.'" –Conan O'Brien

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John Oliver on Donald Trump, America's Back Mole

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"Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it." –John Oliver

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Conan O'Brien on What Trump Has Done For Equality

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"Donald Trump said, 'There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.' That’s right, he said: 'In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien









 

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Jimmy Fallon on Building a Wall Around Trump

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"At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

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Seth Meyers on Trump Punching Protesters in the Face

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"At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face." –Seth Meyers

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Conan O'Brien on Hillary's Plan to Defeat Trump

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"Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately." –Conan O'Brien

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Seth Meyers on Trump the Racist

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"A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, 'Trump's a racist.' The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted." –Seth Meyers

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Conan O'Brien on Trump Loving the Poorly Educated

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"After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, 'I love the poorly educated.' Trump then said, 'And when I'm president there'll be more of them than ever.'" –Conan O'Brien

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Conan O'Brien on Who Created Trump

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"Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag." –Conan O'Brien

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Jimmy Fallon on Trump's Feud with Megyn Kelly

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"Donald Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

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Seth Meyers on Trump the Snake

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"Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump." –Seth Meyers

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Seth Meyers on Watching Trump

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"In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be 'watched and studied' because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied." –Seth Meyers
 

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Conan O'Brien on Trump and Nazis

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"At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute 'Sieg Heil!' Trump immediately responded, 'There is no place for that here – save it for my inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien

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Bill Maher on What Republicans Love About Trump

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"At the Fox debate, Donald Trump revealed himself to be nasty, boorish, sexist, ignorant, and smug. And that's what the Republicans love about him." –Bill Maher
 

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Conan O'Brien on Trump Mocking a Reporter

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"Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I'll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'" –Conan O'Brien

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Seth Meyers on Hillary vs. Trump

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"Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite." –Seth Meyers

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Lewis Black on Crazy Dictator Trump

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"Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. ... This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole." –Lewis Black

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