Best Political Jokes of 2016

The Funniest Late-Night Jokes from the Crazy Year in Politics

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See Also:
Funniest Political Memes of 2016
Funniest Trump Transition Memes
Funniest Donald Trump Memes
Funniest Hillary Clinton Memes


"Donald Trump is so privileged that the first job he ever had to apply for was president of the United States." –Stephen Colbert

"Donald Trump said the transition is going well and he has spoken to 'many foreign leaders.' Then someone had to explain to Trump that Barack Obama is not a 'foreign leader.'" –Conan O'Brien

"You don’t argue with a toddler if you want to win; don’t amplify the toddler’s voice, because you’ll just get trapped in the toddler’s world.

Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate, because logic is the downfall of every toddler." –Daily Show host Trevor Noah on handling Donald Trump

"After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. He said he couldn’t have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half...FBI Director James Comey." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he has asked President Obama to help recommend some of his appointments. Obama said fine, and recommended Hillary Clinton for president." –Conan O'Brien

"There are reports that Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to run for president. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'It hasn't been this tense around my house since … well, you know…'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, 'Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"So enjoy your victory, Trump voters! Because when you’re dying because you don’t have health insurance to treat the infection you got from a back alley abortion you had to get because of fetal lead poisoning, you can say to yourself, ‘At least I didn’t vote for someone with a private email server.'" –Bill Maher

"Donald Trump still hasn't released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he's going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media's talking about is emails. It's like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That’s right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, 'Ugh, I guess...'" –Jimmy Fallon

"But, you know, Trump voters—really? Not even the guy who says he wants to f**k his daughter? This is not a deal-breaker for you? I mean, what does it take? A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist. You know we’re a nuclear power, right? These are red flags." –Bill Maher

"Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and 'stop pussyfooting around.' That's the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, 'I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.'" –Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is more unpopular than ever, but still not as unpopular as Donald Trump. So this election is kind of like asking people if they'd rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea." –Conan O'Brien

"As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of 'he said' and 'she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oh, Donald Trump, the media is not 'rigged' against you. They're just recording what you say and playing it back. If anything, you’re rigging your own campaign." –Trevor Noah

"NBC suspended Billy Bush for his words on the Trump tape, which means there is currently a higher standard for host for third hour of the Today Show than there is for the Republican nominee for president." –Seth Meyers

"You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists.

Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish." –Michael Che on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Trump denied the (groping) allegations, calling them 'ludicrous' at a rally today. But here's the problem for Trump: There's very good reason to believe he did what he's accused of. Why? Because an irrefutable, inside source told us so: Donald Trump. Donald Trump is his own Deep Throat. He's Creep Throat." –Seth Meyers

"Of course, it's the Democratic Convention, which began last night. There were several big moments, and by the end, everyone was chanting 'I'm With Her!' Unfortunately for Hillary, they were talking about Michelle Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"Although Hillary Clinton was cleared of charges in the investigation of her deleted emails, her actions were described by the FBI as 'extremely reckless.' However in her defense, the report pointed out that she was Hillary reckless, not Bill reckless." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, 'I'd like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I'll funnel it through Donald Trump.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump had a meltdown about what a great temperament he has. It was like watching someone carve 'I'm not a psycho' into their arm." –Bill Maher on the first presidential debate

"A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary's recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That's right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, 'The house always loses.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Donald Trump was still saying Obama's birth certificate could be fake last year. And I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real." –Seth Meyers on Trump finally admitting that Obama was born in the United States

"Donald Trump was actually describing himself in an interview this week and said that his strongest suit is his temperament. Although sadly, even that suit is made in China." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, Donald Trump said if he's elected, he will employ a 'deportation task force.' It's not really necessary, because if he's elected most people will probably leave voluntarily." –Conan O'Brien

"The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn't take any vacations as president. I think that's because he has offended so many other countries he can't leave this one." –Jimmy Fallon

"So, Trump got rid of his old campaign chairman who was trying to get him to tone down his rhetoric and hired people who want him to be even more controversial. Trump’s like an alcoholic who fires his doctor and starts getting medical advice from his bartender." –Seth Meyers

"In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W Bush's time in office. Said voters, 'Yeah, but I'm not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, 'Get the baby out of here.' It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll by Public Policy Polling shows Hillary Clinton getting 43 percent, Donald Trump with 38 percent, and this was an actual choice, a giant meteor hitting the earth got 13 percent. 38 percent for Trump, 13 percent for meteor — that adds up to 51 percent of the people okay with the world coming to an end. Yes, two giant destructive orange balls." –Stephen Colbert

"While they were in the DNC cyber matrix, the Russians apparently stole opposition research on Donald Trump. Russia, what are you doing? If you want damaging information about Donald Trump, just wait for him to talk." –Stephen Colbert

"Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the 'textbook definition' of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel's Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, 'Oh, no, he's an Indian, too?'" –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, Donald Trump said, 'If I lose, I don't think you'll ever see me again.' So finally, a Trump campaign slogan we can all get behind." –Conan O'Brien

"Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them 'anxious.' And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them 'Canadian.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it." –John Oliver

"Donald Trump said, 'There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.' That’s right, he said: 'In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

"At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face." –Seth Meyers

"Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately." –Conan O'Brien

"A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, 'Trump's a racist.' The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted." –Seth Meyers

"After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, 'I love the poorly educated.' Trump then said, 'And when I'm president there'll be more of them than ever.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be 'watched and studied' because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I'll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute 'Sieg Heil!' Trump immediately responded, 'There is no place for that here – save it for my inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien

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