Best Stephen Colbert Quotes

The Funniest and Truthiest Quips by Comedian Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Quotes and Funny Jokes

See Also:
• Best Stephen Colbert Quotes Ever
• Funny Stephen Colbert Pictures
• Best Jon Stewart Quotes
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Classic Late-Night Jokes


"There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good." –Stephen Colbert

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.” –Stephen Colbert

"Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity." —Stephen Colbert

"Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil." —Stephen Colbert

"Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, the exact same way that fire extinguishers cause fires." —Stephen Colbert

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it." —Stephen Colbert

"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." –Stephen Colbert

"Agnostics are just atheists without balls." —Stephen Colbert

"Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth." –Stephen Colbert

"I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v.

Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.” –Stephen Colbert

"If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?" --Stephen Colbert

"I love its message of 'F**k them, I got mine."' --Stephen Colbert on "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand

"If you ignore something long enough, it will go away.

Just look at Sarah Palin." --Stephen Colbert

"I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids." –Stephen Colbert

"The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun." –Stephen Colbert

"Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the Internet. It's sort of a blog for people with attention spans." —Stephen Colbert

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy!" –Stephen Colbert

"Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!" —Stephen Colbert

"Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: complaining about how long it's taking to vote." —Stephen Colbert

"Wikipedia is the place I go when I'm looking for knowledge…or want to create some." —Stephen Colbert

"Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor." —Stephen Colbert

"You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner." —Stephen Colbert

"Thankfully, dreams can change. If we had all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses." —Stephen Colbert

"The only thing that gets me high is the musk scent of my enemy's fear." —Stephen Colbert

"Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds." --Stephen Colbert

"Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight." --Stephen Colbert

"Whoever did this obviously did not know sh*t about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims -- a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on." --Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombing

"The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights.

I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights." --Stephen Colbert on the Supreme Court taking up gay marriage

"But you are also the biggest threat of all...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mind away." --Stephen Colbert to Neil Patrick Harris

"After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!" --Stephen Colbert, announcing his presidential campaign on "The Colbert Report"

"I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat." --Stephen Colbert, delivering the commencement address at Knox College

"To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face." --Stephen Colbert, roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents' dinner (Full transcript here)

"I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares.

And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

"When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday -- no matter what happened Tuesday." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

"I don't trust books — they're all fact, no heart." –Stephen Colbert

 "Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news… at you." –Stephen Colbert

"And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the "wordanistas" over at Websters, are gonna say, "Hey, that's not a word!" Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen...

"I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today.

Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart...

"The 'truthiness' is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news...at you." --Stephen Colbert, on the premiere of The Colbert Report

"Senator McCain, stop taking away are right to do it 'cause it doesn't exist. It's like licensing unicorns or ending Leprechaun Wednesdays." --Stephen Colbert, on torture

"Saddam's trial, the TV event of the year. It's like the Oscars, but with atrocities." --Stephen Colbert

"We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection.

He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers." --Stephen Colbert

"We've learned John Roberts is a no-nonsense guy, prefers a half Windsor knot for his tie, is no fan of cuff links. And, most tellingly, he parts his hair on the left, which very well might raise some hackles on the right" --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"There's a more important reason to keep NASA's programs going strong ...

to achieve that greatest of discoveries, the thing we as human beings need most: space oil." --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"Apparently the U.S. never had possession of these dangerous munitions, and didn't even find out they were gone until a couple of weeks ago. So to the Bush critics who call this incompetence, the White House responds: 'Joke's on you, it's actually ignorance.'" Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"Might I point out, this is the same Senator Kerry who voted against the president's tax cuts. Now he wants to tell you he's for explosives not being stolen from weapons depots. Which is it, Senator, you can't have it both ways?" --Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

"It's one thing to believe Bush's policies are leading his country toward a bleak future of massive debt, increased terrorism, and environmental catastrophe but does Dean have to be so mad about it? He just comes off as petty. I mean, if America liked angry presidents JFK would have beaten all those secretaries instead of nailing them." —Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert, on why he believes Howard Dean is too angry to appeal to the general electorate