Late-Night Jokes About the Syria Crisis

David Letterman on stage
David Letterman.

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Syria has been a hot topic for material for late-night talk show hosts and public figures when it comes to jokes. Some of the most well-known include Bill Maher, Jay Leno, and Jon Stewart.

Bill Maher
"This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World."

"Obama decided we're going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain's bad ideas."

"Syrian President Assad crossed a red line. He used chemicals weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?"

"The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it's poison."

"The way it's going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store."

"It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto."

Stephen Colbert
"If Obama really wanted to sell us on Syria, he should have taken a page from the people selling us Siri. Pushing an iPhone and a war are a lot alike. You just say that the new one is smaller, cheaper and faster and people will buy it. Even though they've already got one and they're still paying off the previous model."
"Crisis averted. Now Congress suspends its vote on a military strike, the U.N. secures Assad's chemical stockpile, and the Syrian people can go back to being killed with conventional methods. Everybody wins."

Jon Stewart
"Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence."

Jay Leno
"Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too."

"President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there's talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution."
"Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that."

"John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t ... he'll give them another week."

"Well, it was confusing, wasn't it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal."
"John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be 'unbelievably small.' But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria."

"Secretary of State John Kerry said that Arab countries have offered to pay the entire cost of unseating Syria's president if we take the lead militarily. They will pay for the whole thing. See, this is how global politics works. We invade Syria to get money from Saudi Arabia that they got from us for putting their oil in our Japanese cars so we can pay back China all the money we owe them."

Conan O'Brien
"Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke."

"Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback."

David Letterman

"I guess we're getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran."
"They have proof now that Syria has rockets full of gas, enormous payloads of gas. How can I describe to you the size of these giant payloads of gas? Have you ever seen Rush Limbaugh?"

"They're saying now that the war against Syria will last no more than two days. It's going to be a two-day war. You know what that means? We'll be there for another 10 years."

"U.S. warships are heading toward Syria. It's going to be kind of an enjoyable switch for Obama. Now he can start a war that the next president will be stuck with."

"All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don't agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm."