Syria Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About the Syria Crisis

Send Congress to Syria

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Barack Obama Jokes
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"This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World." –Bill Maher on President Obama's position on Syria

"The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it's poison. " –Bill Maher

"The way it's going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store." –Bill Maher

"It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto." –Bill Maher

"If Obama really wanted to sell us on Syria, he should have taken a page from the people selling us Siri.

Pushing an iPhone and a war are a lot alike. You just say that the new one is smaller, cheaper and faster and people will buy it. Even though they've already got one and they're still paying off the previous model." –Stephen Colbert

"Crisis averted. Now Congress suspends its vote on a military strike, the U.N. secures Assad's chemical stockpile, and the Syrian people can go back to being killed with conventional methods. Everybody wins." –Stephen Colbert

"Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence." –Jon Stewart

"Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too." –Jay Leno

"Well, it was confusing, wasn't it?

First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be 'unbelievably small.' But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria." –Jay Leno

"Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke." –Conan O'Brien

"Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria -- which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria." –Stephen Colbert

"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert (share this joke on Facebook)

"John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons.

And if they don’t . . . he'll give them another week." –Jay Leno

"Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback." –Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State John Kerry said that Arab countries have offered to pay the entire cost of unseating Syria's president if we take the lead militarily. They will pay for the whole thing. See, this is how global politics works. We invade Syria to get money from Saudi Arabia that they got from us for putting their oil in our Japanese cars so we can pay back China all the money we owe them." –Jay Leno

"Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it's time to bomb somebody." –Jay Leno

"I guess we're getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran." –David Letterman

"You know what, folks?

I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can't even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell's reputation and half a test tube of crystal light." –Stephen Colbert

"They have proof now that Syria has rockets full of gas -- enormous payloads of gas. How can I describe to you the size of these giant payloads of gas? Have you ever seen Rush Limbaugh?" -David Letterman

"If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is planning to address the nation, and instead of calling his plan to attack Syria a war, he is calling it a 'limited military intervention,' which sounds better than 'potential endless quagmire.' –Jay Leno

"U.S. warships are heading toward Syria. It's going to be kind of an enjoyable switch for Obama. Now he can start a war that the next president will be stuck with." –David Letterman

"President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria.

If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don't agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there's talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry said it's 'undeniable' that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, 'Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"They're saying now that the war against Syria will last no more than two days.

It's going to be a two-day war. You know what that means? We'll be there for another 10 years." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that." –Jay Leno

"Obama decided we're going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain's bad ideas." –Bill Maher

"Syrian President Assad crossed a red line. He used chemicals weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?" –Bill Maher (share this joke on Facebook)

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