Bird Flu Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Bird Flu

See Also:
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Classic Late-Night Jokes
Donald Trump Jokes
Hillary Clinton Jokes


"They have found bird flu in New Jersey, but not to worry. If any of the birds get out, New Jersey's natural toxic waste will take care of them" --Jay Leno

"A mild form of bird flu has been detected in New Jersey. Health officials said the bird flu was hard to detect, because in New Jersey, every bird coughs." --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits.

Well, that should silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the bird flu, huh?" --Jay Leno

"In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans store canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when bird flu hits. What? This ranks right up there with "duck and cover" during a nuclear attack. In case of radiation wear a hat. Powdered milk and tuna? How many would rather have the bird flu?" --Jay Leno

"They said on the news tonight that U.S. spy satellites are being used to track infected birds with the bird flu. Well, they worked so well in the hunt for Osama bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"Our Homeland Security people tell us that the birds carrying the dreaded bird flu could reach our shores within three months. And Bush said we are fully prepared. He's going to have Cheney shoot them." –Bill Maher

"This bird flu is scary, you frightened by this?

I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

"The first confirmed case of bird flu has been discovered in Iraq. You know, this kind of thing could destroy their tourism industry." --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton is taking the bird flu seriously. He says he'll personally check every Hooters in the country." --Jay Leno

"The president might be trying to scare us.

His speech had the Bush stamp all over it. He said prevention comes down to a few simple things, like covering your mouth when you leak, making sure your intelligence is cooked thoroughly, and remember that we're fighting the bird flu over there, so we don't have to fight it over here" --Bill Maher

"Here's the good news, yesterday President Bush announced his plan to fight the bird flu. The bad news? There's only enough doses for the Red States." --Jay Leno

"President Bush outlined the U.S. government's plan to attack a bird flu outbreak. Apparently his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in Iraq before it attacks us here. In fact, do you know what they're calling the plan to attack? Flock and awe." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'" --Jay Leno

"The latest approval ratings are out, not good for President Bush. His ratings are now two points below the Bird Flu." --Jay Leno

More Late-Night Jokes

"Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter's second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more." –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking to students at the University of New Hampshire yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, 'Isn't this one of the strangest elections you've ever seen?' And then college kids were like, 'Uh, we're 18. It's the ONLY election we've ever seen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders is also campaigning with Hillary. Yesterday, he asked a crowd at one of her rallies, 'Is everybody here ready to transform America?' Followed by his next question, 'Does anybody here remember where I parked?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, 'Oh, so you CAN hear us.'" –Jimmy Fallon