Comedic Female Monologues

Each of these original comedic female monologues may be used by students, actors, directors for educational and theatrical purposes. To help with your performance, learn how to prepare and perform a monologue for drama class.

01
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From a new play, "Promedy" by Wade Bradford, this monologue is delivered by the normally bookish Beatrix Holiday, the 17-year old president of the student body. After her "ex-friend" deviously cancels the prom, Beatrix decides to find a way to bring back the end of the year dance. In this monologue, Beatrix explains to her fellow student why Prom means so much to her.

BEATRIX:
That’s not true. Young women need the Prom. It’s a rite of passage as sacred as getting your driver’s license or buying your first bra. There are only a few things in life that are guaranteed to be glorious and memorable and sparkling with gowns and...Read the complete monologue.

02
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CONTEXT: Juniper is a shy, young woman with learning disabilities. She lives in a small town with her grandmother, sheltered away from most of the world. In this scene, she is talking to her cousin, Megan, about her first and only kiss.

JUNIPER:
I kissed a boy once. At least I tried.
I don’t know if it counts if they don’t
kiss back. But I tried to kiss a boy and
it almost worked. Most of the time Grandma
and I don’t get to see folks much, but we go into town...

Read the complete monologue.

03
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CONTEXT: In this comedic female monologue, Neverland’s 911 operator deals with some wildly imaginative “emergency situations.”

OPERATOR:
Neverland 911, what’s the emergency? You are
being kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific?
Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he’s limping
on a pegleg then it’s probably Long John Silver, but
if he has a hook then it’s probably Captain—-oh--
He’s got a hook and a peg-leg? Oh dear. Please hold.

Read the complete monologue.

04
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CONTEXT: In this comedic female monologue, Beatrix confronts Dante, an arrogant drama-geek who has been chasing after the girl of his dreams since kindergarten, the lovely cheerleader, Kay Nordstrom. But once Kay finally falls for Dante, he freaks out and tries to run away. Fortunately, his friend and rival Beatrix talks some sense into him.

BEATRIX: Hold it right there, Dante! I’ve watched you do this all your life, from kindergarten to the twelth grade. But it’s not going to happen tonight... Read the complete monologue.

05
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CONTEXT: In this comedic female monologue, college-bound Vicky is an assistant-manager at a movie theater. Every geeky, dorky employee is attracted to her. Although she is amused by their attraction, she has yet to fall in love.

VICKY:
I’m the kind of girl who takes pity on poor
pathetic geeks who have never kissed a girl.
Let’s just say that I like someone who is
easily trainable – someone who will truly
appreciate me. It’s sad, I know. But hey,
I’ll take an ego boost wherever I can get it.

Read the complete monologue.

06
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CONTEXT: This comedic female monologue is delivered by an outgoing woman named Roxy. Her boyfriend is a roller-coaster fanatic, and also a bit immature. Therefore, she has decided to break up with him, right in the middle of their roller-coaster ride! Although the character sits most of the time, the actress should feel free to add a lot of movement and facial expressions to simulate the ride.

Roxy:

(Getting into her roller coaster seat. She’s talking to her boyfriend.)

You and your obsession with roller coasters.
What’s the name of this one?
Read the complete monologue.

07
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CONTEXT: This funny monologue for actresses comes from a one-act play called, "Irony." It is a comic mash-up of various characters and situations of Greek Mythology.

According to ancient legends, Cassandra could predict the future, yet no one ever believed her. In this scene, Cassandra is at a party in the city of Troy. While everyone around her celebrates the marriage of Paris and Helen, Cassandra complains about all of the ominous signs around her by pointing out the ironic behavior of the party guests around her.

 

CASSANDRA:

No, I am not enjoying the party. Behold poor souls! The fates turn backwards on themselves. There is danger looming ahead. I can see our bleak future. Read the complete monologue...

08
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CONTEXT: "Curse of the Pharaoh's Kiss" written by Wade Bradford is a full-length comedy set in 1930s Egypt. It is a comic homage to the Mummy movies and adventures serials of Hollywood's golden age. In this funny monologue for actresses (and actors who don't mind playing a female role), Veronica Melville is trapped in the tomb of an ancient pharaoh. To pass the time, she explains to the sailor she just met, Rodney Gunther, what she looks for in a "perfect man."

VERONICA:

What do I look for in a man? Oh, what every simple woman wants, I suppose. A man who is kind, and who is honest, unless of course his honesty would be unkind. Read the complete monologue.

09
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CONTEXT: In this comical Western retelling of Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing," Betty realizes that despite her stubbornness she’s attracted to her one-time rival, Ben the cowboy.

BETTY:
Ben is in love? With me? I would think
that clucking batch of hens was playing
some kind of trick on me, just making stuff
up. But Aunt Sue… she wouldn’t lie. She’s
old. She wants to make sure she gets into heaven.

Read the complete monologue.

10
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CONTEXT: Set in New York City during the Great Depression, this reinvention of the classic fairy-tale presents an interesting twist on the fairy godmother character -- A wise, old homeless woman.

GODMOTHER: (Southern Dialect.)
Now what’s that sound creeping into my old ears?
Ah, it’s just as I feared, a sound this old gal
has heard all too often, knows all too well, in
fact. Ain’t nothing quite like the lonesome wish
of a young, helpless heart. Child, you got a look
on your face like you spent the whole day crying
tears the size of huckleberries.

Read the complete monologue.

11
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CONTEXT: Brenda Brooks is a snooty librarian who believes that fantasy novels are a complete waste of time. In this scene, she tells a young visitor how she plans to re-organize the library.

BRENDA:
Young man, I am very busy. Would you please
take your gawking eyes and your bubble-gum
belabored jaws elsewhere? When you return next
week, you’ll find some significant changes have
been made...

Read the complete monologue.

12
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CONTEXT: "Symbolism " is a scene from Wade Bradford's play, PLAY.  (That's right, it's aplay called "Play.")  During thistumultuously humorous scene, Mr. and Mrs. Craig are running a garage sale. Not a single customer has arrived, and they are starting to get irritated. Mrs. Craig notices that her husband left soggy Fig Newtons in the ice chest. She decides that Mr. Craig's actions are deeply symbolic. In this speech, she finds other symbolic objects and actions as she walks from one garage sale item to the next.

MRS. CRAIG: I'll tell you what happened. I woke up earlier than you. I got out the ice chest. I made sandwiches. I washed the rhubarb I had been hiding at the bottom of the fridge as a surprise. Read the complete monologue.

13
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CONTEXT: In this very silly spoof of fairy-tales a bitter Wicked Witch curses the soon-to-be Sleeping Beauty.

WITCH:
So, looks like everyone is having a marvelous
time. Hello, good to see you. Nice to meet you.
Hi there, I’m the Wicked Witch, here’s my card.
Let’s do lunch sometime. Ah, and here’s the birth-
-day girl, surrounded by all of these gifts and
her good little fairy friends...

Read the complete monologue.

14
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CONTEXT: This "stand-alone" comedic female monologue features Mrs. Claus breaking up with Santa. It may be used by students, actors, directors for educational or professional purposes. Keep in mind, it's simply a comedy sketch. I'm certain Mrs. Claus would never leave Santa!

MRS. CLAUS: (Writing a letter, speaking the words out loud.) To my dear husband. No. Dear Chris. No, no. Dear Nick. Dear St. Nick. No. Dear Mr. Claus. I am so sorry it has come to this.

Read the complete monologue.