Comedic Male Monologues

Each of these original comedic monologues may be used by students, actors, directors for educational and theatrical purposes.

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Heck from "Cowboys and Idiots"

CONTEXT: Two cowboys wander through the desert on a quest for revenge. Along the way, they get terribly lost and fill the time discussing their views on the mixed up world they live in.

Sayin’ it’s “hotter than Hades” is a common misconception. Hades ain’t all that hot. It’s humid but it ain’t scorchin’. Wanna know how I know? You see there was this Greek Goddess... 

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Narrator from "Conflict"

CONTEXT: In this comical look at how audiences crave hardship for the main characters in plays and stories, the narrator provides an example of a “boring” story without conflict.

A story begins. A child is born. He grows into a man. He experiences happiness. He meets a girl. They fall in love. They get married. They have children. The children grow up and move away. There’s a fifty percent chance that he and his wife will stay together. Read the complete monologue.

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Ishmael from "JT and the Pirates"

CONTEXT: This salty old pirate sets up the tale of a comic adventure about pirates who travel to a modern day junior high school.

Avast, ye landlubbers! Cursed be all who cast their eyes upon the stage. Cursed, says I! Ha! Hahahaha! Arg, fooled you, didn’t I?! Don’t worry, you’re not cursed! That was just my way a scaring off the faint of heart. Read the rest of this comic monologue.

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Romeo from "Romeo Revised"

CONTEXT: This ten-minute play spoofs the ending of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It turns out that Romeo and Juliet survive their suicide attempts, only to discover they both have amnesia.

Oh, you do not remember anything? Nor do I. We must both be plagued with amnesia, a foggy blight of forgetfulness caused by our mutual head trauma. Tell me stranger, do I seem familiar to you? For thy beauteous face seems a pleasing mystery. Sadly, I recall nothing, yet I have an idea as to our dire situation.

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Ernie from "Mermaid in Miami"

CONTEXT: In this comedic monologue, a kindly fisherman sets up the story for this modern retelling of The Little Mermaid.

I’ll never forget that storm. In one moment, the night was still and as black as tar. An instant later, a howlin’ wind roared in! The rain pelted the ocean. Lightning spat. Thunder belched. Read the complete monologue.

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Emperor Tropico from "Mermaid in Miami"

CONTEXT: Tropico is the angry, power hungry father of a beautiful, free-spirited mermaid who has dared to escape from his tyrannical rule. (Think Fidel Castro with Mermaid flippers!)

You there! Yes you. Little human in your stupid little boat and your funny little yellow hat and raincoat that makes you look like a rubber ducky. Why are you standing up? You should be kneeling down. Do you know who I am, you little oxygen-inhaling freak? Anytime you stick your head in the water, you are in my kingdom. I am Emperor Tropico, ruler of all the seas. Read the rest of this comic monologue.

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Mummy from "Tuesdays with Mummy"

CONTEXT: A bumbling scientist stumbles across a disgruntled mummy in an Egyptian tomb. Comedy and Halloween hi-jinks ensue.

You aren't very bright, are you? You commit sacrilege as you bumble through these sacred halls. You defile my royal resting place and dare to steal my amulet. I would love nothing better than to tear you to pieces. Fortunately for you, I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Read more.