Demetri Martin's Humorous Quotes on Life

Get Ready to Laugh

Bud Light Presents Wild West Comedy Festival - Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin has a relaxed demeanor. You just have to listen to him for a few seconds before you fall off your chair, laughing. Demetri is a gifted artist, but how is he best described? A comic musician? A comic actor? A writer? Now, that's a bundle of talent. 

Food

"If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear-colored clothes or act juicy."

"My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, 'That burrito did not agree with me.' I was like, 'Was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea?

Let me guess who won.' 'I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.'"

"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?' but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'This is nice!"'

"I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater."

"I feel stupid when I write the word 'banana.' Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana ... keep going. Bananana" ... damn.'"
 

Word Play

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering.

'Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries."'

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"

"Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

"Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball gown."

"I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'"

"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'"

"I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said, 'if you need anything, I'm Jill.' I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before."

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."

"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like 'What's your favorite color?' A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like 'What's your favorite color ... person?"'

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.'"

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say ... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of ... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like ... after 'I love you' ... or 'You're going to live' .. or 'It's a boy!"'

"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille."
 

Birthdays

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

"It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word 'Happy'... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.'"
 

Everything Else

"I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz.

Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did."
 

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers."'

"My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal."

"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'"

"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude, make a left.' 'Those are trees. Trust me."'

"If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
 

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."