Democratic Primary Jokes

Best Jokes About the 2016 Democratic Presidential Primaries

See Also:
Best Hillary Clinton Memes
Best Bernie Sanders Memes
Best Donald Trump Memes
Latest Late-Night Jokes

"Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite." –Seth Meyers

"After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary's team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders.

You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist." –Jimmy Fallon

"Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is getting the support of students at Hillary Clinton's alma mater, Wellesley College. Now Hillary Clinton is trying to get the support of Bernie's alma mater, Jurassic Park." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, 'Must be nice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During last night's Democratic town hall Hillary Clinton told voters, 'I never thought I'd be standing on a stage here asking for people to vote for me for president.' Because she thought she'd already be done being president by now." –Seth Meyers

"The big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It's important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States." –Jimmy Fallon

"Apparently some prostitutes at a Nevada brothel have launched a campaign for Hillary Clinton called 'Hookers for Hillary.' Yeah, they want to donate money to the Clintons - or as they call it, 'Giving back.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to the latest national poll, Hillary Clinton's lead over Bernie Sanders has narrowed to ten points.

Also narrowed, Hillary Clinton's eyes." –Seth Meyers

"Bernie is very popular in New Hampshire. Hillary Clinton today spent the whole day quietly googling the words 'life expectancy for old man in snowy weather.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the debate, Hillary Clinton addressed the controversy of her personal email server and said she has 'no concerns about it whatsoever.' Democrats were like, 'yeah, that's what concerns us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary also told Bernie Sanders that it's time for his campaign to 'end the very artful smear' against her.

Incidentally, 'very artful smear' is also how Bernie orders a bagel. 'Gimme a whole wheat with a very artful schmear of veggie cream cheese!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report, the number of babies named 'Hillary' has decreased 90 percent since Bill Clinton was president. And, this is interesting, there has never been a baby named Bernie." –Seth Meyers

"At last night's CNN town hall debate for the Democrats, Hillary Clinton said that during her time in the White House, she would actually put on a baseball cap and sunglasses so she could walk around Washington, D.C., unnoticed. The only time it went wrong was when Bill pulled up and said, 'Hey baby, do you — oh, never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was another debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire. They've already had so many debates they're starting to run out of things to fight about. Tonight they sat there quietly like an old married couple at a restaurant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, the Democrats have a primary in South Carolina this weekend and Bernie Sanders, who has had trouble attracting African-American voters, just got a high-profile endorsement from Spike Lee. Spike Lee taped a radio ad and just threw a garbage can through Hillary Clinton's pizzeria window." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In related news, Chris Christie just dropped out of the race and endorsed Bernie Sandwich." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders is the first Jewish person ever to win a presidential primary. Which is why he celebrated his victory by telling the crowd, 'It could be worse!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders won their respective party primaries. It was a great night for loud men with crazy hair." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A tattoo artist in Vermont is offering free Bernie Sanders tattoos. Yeah, they're actually the first tattoos that start to look better as you develop wrinkles." –Jimmy Fallon

"A Republican insider compared Marco Rubio's debate performance to 'looking at your iPhone and the video freezes and says it's buffering.' After hearing this, Bernie Sanders said, 'A what doing what?'" –Conan O'Brien
 

"On Monday, Hillary Clinton narrowly won in Iowa, with the final results showing that she beat Bernie Sanders by less than 1 percent.

And you thought Bernie was mad at the 1 percent BEFORE." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely. The final results weren't actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders said if he beats Hillary Clinton in Iowa, it will be, 'one of the biggest political upsets in the modern history of our country.' It's true, nothing like it has happened since the last time Hillary Clinton ran in Iowa." –Conan O'Brien

"At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that 'in many areas judgment should be left to God.' Then God was like, 'OK. You really shouldn't have deleted all those emails.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that in the last month, Hillary Clinton's lead in Iowa has shrunk from 9 percent to 2 percent. Meanwhile, her fake smile has grown 200 percent." –Seth Meyers

"Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters." –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben & Jerry's ice cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being, we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich." –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders has now passed Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire polls. It's the first time anyone's ever been passed by a guy in a Prius." –Seth Meyers

"A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, 'Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?'" –Conan O"Brien

"Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in Portland this weekend. Sounds impressive, but remember, it's Portland. You can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a Frisbee." –Seth Meyers

"New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire.

And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, 'You said we had a deal!'" –Jimmy Fallon