Dick Cheney Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Dick Cheney

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"Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like 'American Idol' except one of them got voted off months ago." --Jimmy Fallon

"But the speech went over pretty well. I mean, Cheney was interrupted five times by applause and 50 times by people screaming, 'Stop!

I'll tell you everything! What do you want to know? Just stop, please! Don't go on!'" --David Letterman

"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"The Supreme Court has ruled that individuals have the right to carry guns...When the decision was read, it created pandemonium in the court. Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some birdshot." –David Letterman

"Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke.

Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraqi war." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said.

It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

"Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody's crazy about this. Don't worry. George W. Bush says he's got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn't work, Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart

"Classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times.

When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, 'I know this is just horse play'? But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden." --David Letterman

"George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a deal to write a book for $7 million. In the book, Bush will discuss his 12 toughest decisions, like 'should I heed Al Roker's warnings about Katrina?' That would be one tough decision. 'Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?' That would be another." --David Letterman

"How about this? It's a good example of how strange things are and how time flies. On this date in 2006, then-Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Tell me again why he's not in jail?

How did that work?" --David Letterman

"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno

"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno

"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien

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"Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like 'American Idol' except one of them got voted off months ago." --Jimmy Fallon

"But the speech went over pretty well. I mean, Cheney was interrupted five times by applause and 50 times by people screaming, 'Stop!

I'll tell you everything! What do you want to know? Just stop, please! Don't go on!'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In competing speeches today, President Obama said the U.S. went off course with practices like waterboarding. Cheney retaliated by saying he doesn't regret any of the decisions he made, and if he had to do it all over again, he would order President Bush to do exactly the same thing. And then he ate a baby." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

"The Supreme Court has ruled that individuals have the right to carry guns...When the decision was read, it created pandemonium in the court.

Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some birdshot." –David Letterman

"Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this?

Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraqi war." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

"Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody's crazy about this. Don't worry. George W. Bush says he's got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn't work, Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease.

Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart

"Classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, 'I know this is just horse play'? But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden." --David Letterman

"George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a deal to write a book for $7 million. In the book, Bush will discuss his 12 toughest decisions, like 'should I heed Al Roker's warnings about Katrina?' That would be one tough decision.

'Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?' That would be another." --David Letterman

"How about this? It's a good example of how strange things are and how time flies. On this date in 2006, then-Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Tell me again why he's not in jail? How did that work?" --David Letterman

"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno

"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno

"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien

"We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again.

Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender. … You know, we've made a lot of jokes about Dick Cheney and hunting and shooting his buddies in the face ... but he really is a great sportsman. I mean, before he shoots the pheasant, he makes it dig its own grave" --David Letterman

"Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood?"-- Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing to disclose all the facts.

She wants Dick Cheney to give exact details. You know like, "How do you shoot someone and make it look like an accident?" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. Some are accusing Fox of giving softball questions. My answer to that is, 'Well, does a vice president shoot in the woods?'" --David Letterman

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq." --David Letterman

"This just in, earlier today, Dick and Lynne Cheney shot up a gas station." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney finally answered questions about the hunting accident on Fox News. You know, I think Fox News is a little biased. They called it 'Interview with a Marksman.'" --Jay Leno

"In an interview on Fox News, Dick Cheney took full responsibility for shooting a fellow hunter.

Then surprisingly, he broke down and admitted to killing two drifters in Flagstaff, Arizona in 1989." --Jay Leno

"Cheney also admitted that he'd been drinking. He said he had one beer. Okay, it was a 40-ounce Colt .45, but just one." --Jay Leno

"They were in a car, they drive along, they get out of the car, he shoots his friend in the face, then they get back in the car and they go hide for 18 hours.

That's not hunting ... that's an episode of 'The Sopranos'" --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush says he is standing behind the vice president. Way behind him." --Jay Leno

"America remaining obsessed, fascinated, appalled, by what is being called 'Dick Cheney Shot A Guy In The Face-Gate.'" --Jon Stewart

"A mere five days after shooting a man in the face, Vice President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the incident by submitting to a no-holds-barred grilling at a public press conference. I'm just kidding. ... Actually, he sat down with Brit Hume on Fox News for not some much a grilling -- more of a teat suckle." --Jon Stewart

"He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Cheney says he feels terrible about what happened. The man he shot was his friend and if he could, he'd give him the central processing unit right out of his own heart to make up for it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again." --David Letterman

"If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." --David Letterman

"You can't blame [Cheney].

Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'" --Jay Leno

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." --Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?"--Jay Leno

"The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer.

While he was lying there on the ground he actually handed himself his own business card." --Jay Leno

"After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, "You big baby. I get those all the time. Walk it off." --Jay Leno

"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'" --Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered

"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq." --David Letterman

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Police are still investigating. They want to know why Cheney was unable to see the hunter at the time of the accident. And, they also want to know how Cheney wound up with his wallet." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The administration has been getting a lot of criticism for how they handled the situation. First, they didn't tell the media for almost a full day after it happed. The White House press corps was furious. They expect to be told when the vice president shoots a 78-year-old man in the face." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney." --David Letterman, on Cheney's shooting accident

"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor." --David Letterman
 

"We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney." --David Letterman

"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton.

Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face.

He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent." --Jay Leno

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy.

Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno

"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno

"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the Washington Post, Vice President Dick Cheney is limping today because he injured his foot. Cheney said 'If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The former chef of the White House has written a tell-all book. For example, he says that Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is a dish called Chicken Gitmo. It's chicken bound and gagged on a bed of rice." --David Letterman

"According to the latest poll, 66% of Americans believe Dick Cheney has been given too much power by President Bush, and the other 34% think President Bush has been given too much power by Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." --Bill Maher

"Vice President Dick Cheney will have elective surgery or, as his doctors call it, a pre-autopsy." --Jay Leno

"A White House spokesman announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney's recovery is exceeding his doctor's expectations.

You know what that means? He's still alive." --Jay Leno

"President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what they need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?" --Jay Leno

"Although the waters have receded from New Orleans, it's still a huge, huge problem and will be for months to come. You see the fresh water is contaminated with oil and gas. Actually, from Dick Cheney's perspective, the oil and gas is contaminated with fresh water." -Jay Leno

"There's a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt." --Jay Leno

"We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter.

The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." -Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." -Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f**k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." -Bill Maher

"The most amazing part of the debate was when Dick Cheney told John Edwards in his Darth Vader voice, 'John I am your father.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack. Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off." -Conan O'Brien

"The Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is 'We've Turned A Corner And We're Not Turning Back.' This replaces their old slogan 'Do What Dick Cheney Says And Nobody Gets Hurt.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Cheney's temper got the best of him last week when he told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to 'go F yourself' on the Senate floor. Wow that's so out of character. He seems like such a peach. ... Afterwards President Bush would not comment on Cheney's outburst adding, 'You think I want that psycho coming after me.' ... Dick Cheney does have a history of swearing, but usually he's clutching his chest and falling down." -Craig Kilborn

"This was nice, President Bush wished the Iraqis God's grace on their road to democracy. And then Vice President Cheney told them to go F-themselves." -Craig Kilborn
 

"Big news coming out of Washington, Dick Cheney will be running again for vice president. He says he is very healthy and that he has a doctor watching him 24 hours a day. This is a big improvement, it used to be a coroner." -David Letterman

"As Cheney told CNN, he has been 100 percent heart attack free since ascending to the vice presidency. He added, 'In fact, rather than giving me stress, being vice president has actually fueled my blackened soul, allowing me to gorge vampire-like on the bloody nectar of unlimited power.' I'm sorry that should have read 'I never felt better.'" -Jon Stewart, on Dick Cheney's insistence that he is the picture of health

"Vice President Dick Cheney has given another speech linking Saddam Hussein with the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Didn't President Bush say Saddam Hussein has nothing to do with the terrorist attacks? Here's my question, what if it turns out that Dick Cheney is the dumb one?" -Jay Leno

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Cheney continues his whirlwind 11-nation middle eastern tour designed to bring America's anti-terror message to the region. That message: Help us fight terror or ...Is that oil?" -Jon Stewart

"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick." -Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings.

This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on." -Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota on a three-day hunting trip. What better place for a man who has had four heart attacks than to be carrying a big gun and a backpack through the snow looking for red meat." -Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons.

It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies" -Jay Leno

"President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him." -Jay Leno

"President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes." -Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners? Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too?" -Jay Leno

"Here's your tax dollars at work. We are supposed to be conserving energy. The navy is now being asked to pay the electric bill for Vice President Dick Cheney's house in Washington, the Naval Observatory. They are asking us, the taxpayers, to pay the bill. You now how much it is? It is $186,000 a year! How many times are they shocking him back to life? There are two people that live in the house! What, are he and Bush electrocuting guys in the basement now?" -Jay Leno

"Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney came down with laryngitis so his wife had to deliver a speech for him.

After the speech, Cheney's wife had to spend the rest of the day telling President Bush what to do." -Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with CNN this week, Dick Cheney said he may need more heart surgery. Cheney says his doctors have advised him to cut out all red meat, avoid stress and drop the extra 175 pounds (Bush picture on screen) that have been weighing him down." -Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73." -Jay Leno

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Kurtzman, Daniel. "Dick Cheney Jokes." ThoughtCo, Nov. 29, 2016, thoughtco.com/dick-cheney-jokes-2734189. Kurtzman, Daniel. (2016, November 29). Dick Cheney Jokes. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/dick-cheney-jokes-2734189 Kurtzman, Daniel. "Dick Cheney Jokes." ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/dick-cheney-jokes-2734189 (accessed November 20, 2017).