Donald Trump Jokes

Best Late-Night Jokes Skewering Donald Trump

Donald Trump
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"You don’t argue with a toddler if you want to win; don’t amplify the toddler’s voice, because you’ll just get trapped in the toddler’s world. Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate, because logic is the downfall of every toddler." –Trevor Noah on handling Donald Trump

"Donald Trump still hasn't released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he's going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media's talking about is emails.

It's like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration." –Seth Meyers

"But, you know, Trump voters—really? Not even the guy who says he wants to f*ck his daughter? This is not a deal-breaker for you? I mean, what does it take? A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist. You know we’re a nuclear power, right? These are red flags." –Bill Maher

"As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of 'he said' and 'she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Is it possible that we've all been groped by Donald J. Trump, but just didn't feel it because his tiny baby hands?" –Stephen Colbert

"Trump said that he wants to 'give back to the country' he loves. Then people were like, 'There's always that OTHER way to give back to your country — Pay your taxes!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump spoke at a campaign event in Florida today where he once again said Hillary Clinton should be locked up. Well, Donald, if it’s any consolation, it looks like the election is locked up." –Seth Meyers

"During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will “be their worst nightmare.” Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS?" –Seth Meyers

"Oh, Donald Trump, the media is not 'rigged' against you.

They're just recording what you say and playing it back. If anything, you’re rigging your own campaign." –Trevor Noah

"Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and 'stop pussyfooting around.' That's the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, 'I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.'" –Seth Meyers

"Trump denied the (groping) allegations, calling them 'ludicrous' at a rally today. But here's the problem for Trump: There's very good reason to believe he did what he's accused of. Why? Because an irrefutable, inside source told us so: Donald Trump. Donald Trump is his own Deep Throat. He's Creep Throat." –Seth Meyers

"NBC suspended Billy Bush for his words on the Trump tape, which means there is currently a higher standard for host for third hour of the Today Show than there is for the Republican nominee for president." –Seth Meyers

See Also: Best Donald Trump Jokes of 2016

"You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists. Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish." –Michael Che on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Donald Trump was still saying Obama's birth certificate could be fake last year.

And I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real." –Seth Meyers on Trump finally admitting that Obama was born in the United States

"Donald Trump admitted to Dr. Oz that he is overweight, loves fast food, and doesn’t exercise. In a related story, Trump just won Wisconsin." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Donald Trump said if he's elected, he will employ a 'deportation task force.' It's not really necessary, because if he's elected most people will probably leave voluntarily." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has just revealed that he's not practicing for the upcoming debates in a 'traditional' way, and has not been using a stand-in for Hillary. Which explains why today I saw Trump at Ann Taylor Loft yelling at a mannequin.

'That sweater set isn't very presidential! Sad!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After more than a year of promising mass deportations of undocumented immigrants, last night Donald Trump actually referred to them as 'great people.' Even Ryan Lochte was like, 'Get your story straight, man!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At first Donald Trump came out with guns blazing, said he's going to kick all the Mexicans out, he's going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age. He's now agreed to give immigrants a 30-minute head start before he tries to catch them with a net." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new report has found that Donald Trump may have used some of his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book. Oh my God, that's what he's gonna use to build the wall!" –Seth Meyers

"A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump's campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, 'Look, he's the nominee and we're stuck with him.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump yesterday continued his attempts to appeal to black voters, telling attendees at a rally, 'What the hell do you have to lose? Give me a chance!' Said black voters, 'We're not at this rally.'" –Seth Meyers

"This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, 'What the hell do you have to lose?' Coincidentally, that's also the way he proposed to all three of his wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be 'four more years of stupidity.' As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico." –Conan O'Brien

"The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he'll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years.

When asked how, Trump was like, 'Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh! It's fantastic. I've done it already. It's amazing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said yesterday that acting more presidential would make his campaign 'boring as hell.' Though if he gets elected, I suppose 'boring' is the best version of hell we can hope for." –Seth Meyers

"A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn’t even see who they were punching." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling more interest in voting. More people are signing up to vote. Just like herpes fuels more interest in Valtrex, for instance." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling Number 1 among Germans of the 1930s." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said, 'There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.' That’s right, he said: 'In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump." –Seth Meyers

"Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately." –Conan O'Brien

"After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, 'I love the poorly educated.' Trump then said, 'And when I'm president there'll be more of them than ever.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it." –John Oliver

"Trump held a press conference at his golf club in Jupiter, Florida, last night where he defended himself against charges that he isn't 'presidential.' He does everything better than anybody. If he was running for queen, he would be the queenliest queen. And how did he demonstrate that presidential behavior? By plugging Trump Water, Trump Magazine, Trump Vodka, Trump Wine, and Trump Steak. He's showing his steaks. I'm pretty sure it's the first campaign speech I've ever seen given next to a pile of unrefrigerated beef." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump was upset that Mitt Romney said a bunch of his business ventures failed so he set these tables up on stage to showcase some of his many products. There's the water and the wine and the meat. Is this Fox News or QVC?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they're voting for him, Americans said, 'We're used to doing things in Nevada that we'll regret tomorrow.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That's right, Trump appeals to Nevada's key demographic — people who've declared bankruptcy." –Conan O'Brien

"Analysts say that Donald Trump's GOP rivals are running out of time to defeat him. This is not according to the electoral schedule — it's according to the Book of Revelations." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite." –Seth Meyers

"The other big news is that Donald Trump won all 50 delegates in Saturday's South Carolina primary. So if you're paying attention, this is the official point when people go from saying, 'Oh, this is kinda fun!' to saying, 'Oh my God, this is really happening!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump was declared the big winner in the South Carolina primary by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, 'Yeah! OK! That sounds good!' So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience." –Stephen Colbert

"Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them 'anxious.' And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them 'Canadian.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz 'illegally stole' the election. Trump said, 'Everyone knows you're supposed to illegally BUY the election.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump lost the Iowa Caucus. Trump blamed the media, bad weather, and Iowa's three Muslims." –Conan O'Brien

"People have unearthed a tweet from 2013 where Donald Trump tweeted: 'Nobody remembers who came in second.' Famously said by Walter Hagen. And if anyone can tell you who won't be remembered, it's Walter Hagen. Donald Trump really has egg on his face now which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head." –James Corden

"Donald Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said yesterday that if he's elected, he would 'probably not talk as much.' That's right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless." –Seth Meyers

"At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute 'Sieg Heil!' Trump immediately responded, 'There is no place for that here — save it for my inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a 'maniac,' he has since learned that Cruz has a 'wonderful temperament.' And if Donald Trump thinks you have a 'wonderful temperament,' you're probably a maniac." –Seth Meyers

"A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, 'Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.' Then, when asked about Trump's mental health, the doctor got very quiet." –Conan O'Brien

"Members of the British Parliament are going to meet later this month to debate whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the UK. One member of Parliament said, 'Look, we have enough guys with ridiculous-looking things on their heads making sure nobody gets over a fence.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump's wedding but didn't give him a gift. Trump said, 'Just for that, you're not coming to my next three weddings.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there's a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club." –Conan O'Brien

"A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, 'Trump's a racist.' The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, 'They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump told People Magazine that he's good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he's had a lot of concussions." –Conan O'Brien

"The most popular reality TV show in America right now is Donald Trump's campaign for president. Trump, yesterday, proposed a 'total and complete shutdown' of Muslims coming into the United States. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. And this is a guy who shot one of his friends." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him." –Seth Meyers

"A new report claims ISIS has been using American weapons in their fight against the United States. The weapons include tanks, rifles, and Donald Trump." –Conan O'Brien

"On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump's biggest group of supporters: 'People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler's 'Mein Kampf' is headed back to German bookstores. The new edition has a foreword by Donald Trump." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I'll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'" –Conan O'Brien

Next > Funniest Donald Trump Memes

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Funniest Donald Trump Memes
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"Donald Trump is 20 points ahead of the other Republican candidates. Even Trump was like, 'OK, this isn't funny anymore.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump was recently being interviewed, and said that he's not a fan of the man bun trend, and wouldn't want to wear his hair that way. You know it's bad when even Donald Trump is like, 'I'm not putting that on my head.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said today that all Muslims, even U.S. citizens and those serving in the armed forces, should be barred from entering the United States. Trump's statement was so outrageous and so offensive, his poll numbers went up 20 points." –Conan O'Brien

"The two front-runners: Ben Carson, who doesn't believe in evolution; and Donald Trump, who kind of proves his point." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He's got everything it takes." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It's almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he's winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee.

And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president!" –Seth Meyers

"A new study of the candidates' Facebook fans found that Donald Trump's fans have the worst grammar. Which isn't surprising, since Trump's whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. 'We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O'Donnell and I'm very rich and here's a red hat and...'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump went on a rant about how horrible socialism is. But you know what, isn’t Trump’s hair socialism? It's the richer hair covering the poorer hair for the good of the head."–Bill Maher

"Anthropologists have released more information about a recently discovered extinct human species. We're finding out all this really cool stuff. They say the species lived in trees, had brains the size of an orange, and plans to vote for Donald Trump for president." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is reportedly planning new campaign events that will feature his wife, Melania. It's a good chance for Trump to connect with female voters, and a GREAT chance for Melania to escape." –Seth Meyers

"I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire." –Stephen Colbert

"Donald Trump told The New York Times that he's only been getting four hours of sleep a night. In other words, even Donald Trump lies awake at night worrying about a Trump presidency." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past.

And I'll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And if Trump wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is facing criticism for refusing to name his favorite Bible verse. In Trump's defense, it's hard to be a fan of the Bible when three out of the seven deadly sins helped him get to where he is today. “Pride, greed and wrath have served me very well.” –Jimmy Fallon

"All the new polls indicate that Donald Trump is getting more popular every day. Apparently his inspiring riches to riches story is really resonating with everyday Americans." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now members of the Republican National Committee are essentially the scientists in a movie realizing their creation has escaped from the lab." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican primary race. It's very impressive because it's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property." –Conan O"Brien

"Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, 'I like people that weren't captured.' Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over." –Jimmy Fallon

"At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham's personal cellphone number. He's bringing the same level of class to this presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham's cellphone number aloud on live TV. It's the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that." –Seth Meyers

"Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn't fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer." –Seth Meyers

"On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on 'Celebrity Apprentice' between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump's campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That's like giving your money to a pile of money." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's show 'Celebrity Apprentice,' where he just FIRED the crazies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he'll just leave us for a younger country." –Seth Meyers

"After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over 'Celebrity Apprentice.' So Trump's greatest nightmare came true. A Hispanic guy took his job." –Seth Meyers

"Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he's made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a 20." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious." –Conan O'Brien

"After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Think about it, Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place." –Conan O'Brien

"Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico." –Seth Meyers

"But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them." –Jon Stewart on Donald Trump's complaints about people making fun of his hair

"A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife." –Conan O'Brien

"After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' Then God said, 'Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he was going to create jobs." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump's people deny these allegations. But the casting agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don't blame Trump. It's embarrassing. It's the political equivalent of paying kids to come to your birthday party." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who'd definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

"In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' This is from the man who coined the catch phrase 'You're fired.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is 'a totally unqualified nuisance.' In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He promised he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country — specifically for my job here at this show." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio — a claim that was recently disproven by wind." –Seth Meyers

"Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy." –Conan O'Brien

"Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of "Celebrity Apprentice" will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president, you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job." –Conan O'Brien

"Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate." –Jimmy Kimmel

See Also:
Funniest Donald Trump Memes
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"A lot of people aren't taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is, when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen — because he's shouting. You have no choice but to listen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump said, 'The American dream is dead.' All right, well, it's not exactly 'Hope and change,' but it's a slogan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP." –Seth Meyers

"According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup – it happens every four years and no one in America cares." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands." —Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent.

And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters — all of whom are late night comedians." –Conan O'Brien

"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." —Jay Leno

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real.

Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair." —Jimmy Fallon

"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." —Jon Stewart

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives." —Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return.

Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel

"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien

‎"There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoe-in because that's where all his supporters are." –Stephen Colbert

"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of "Celebrity Apprentice" wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order.

He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno

"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks.' Well, not anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?" –David Letterman

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs — another blonde airhead." —Bill Maher

"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'" —Bill Maher

"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over.

Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever -- I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before." –Jay Leno

"In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said 'I believe in god.' But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself." –Jay Leno

"Maybe he should ease into this - by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in 'Back to the Future 2,' when Biff was in charge." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'" –David Letterman

"Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'" –Lewis Black

"Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem..." –Lewis Black, on Donald Trump

"This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole." –Lewis Black

"Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant." –David Letterman

"How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One." –David Letterman

"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened." –Conan O'Brien