Funniest Political Quotes of All Time

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Mark Twain on Congress

''Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.''

—Mark Twain

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P.J. O'Rourke on Democrats vs. Republicans

''The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it.''

—P.J. O'Rourke, 'Parliament of Whores'

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Winston Churchill on Being Drunk

Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill: ''Winston, you're drunk!''

Churchill: ''Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober.''

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Jim Hightower on George Bush

''If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush's head.''

—Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

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Garrison Keillor on the Republican Party

''The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons. ... Republicans: The No. 1 reason the rest of the world thinks we're deaf, dumb, and dangerous.''

—Garrison Keillor

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Groucho Marx on Politics

''Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.''

—Groucho Marx

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Lars-Erik Nelson on the Real Enemy

''The enemy isn't conservatism. The enemy isn't liberalism. The enemy is bulls**t.''

—Lars-Erik Nelson, political columnist

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Ronald Reagan on Age

''I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience.''

—Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

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Dave Barry on Our Differences as Americans

''As Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?''

Dave Barry

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Will Rogers on Politicians vs. Comedians

''Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.''

—Will Rogers

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Franklin Roosevelt on Conservatives

''A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.''

—President Franklin Roosevelt

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Ambrose Bierce on Politics

''Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.''

—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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Ronald Reagan on Bombing the Soviet Union

''My fellow Americans. I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.''

—Ronald Reagan, joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

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Winston Churchill Responding to an Insult

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ''Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison.''

Churchill: ''Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.''

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Bill Clinton on Being President

''Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.''

—Bill Clinton

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Al Gore on Winning and Losing

''I had hoped to be back here this week under different circumstances, running for re-election. But you know the old saying: you win some, you lose some. And then there's that little-known third category. I didn't come here tonight to talk about the past. After all, I don't want you to think I lie awake at night counting and recounting sheep. I prefer to focus on the future because I know from my own experience that America is a land of opportunity, where every little boy and girl has a chance to grow up and win the popular vote.''

—Former Vice President Al Gore, at the 2004 Democratic Convention

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Barack Obama on His Name

''Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president.''

—Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner

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Mark Twain on the World

''Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.''

—Mark Twain

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Bill Clinton on the White House

''I don't know whether it's the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.''

—Bill Clinton, on the White House

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Ambrose Bierce on Voting

''Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.''

—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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Ann Richards on George H.W. Bush

''He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.''

—Former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George Bush, Sr.

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Lyndon Johnson on Being President

''Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.''

—Lyndon Johnson

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John Kennedy on Campaigning

''Just think what my margin might have been if I had never left home at all.''

—President John Kennedy, commenting on the fact that he had campaigned hard in Alaska and lost but won Hawaii handily without visiting it

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Ambrose Bierce on Conservatives

''Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.''

—Ambrose Bierce

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Barack Obama on Dick Cheney

''I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party.''

—President Barack Obama, on revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins

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John Kennedy on Knowing Nothing

''You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure.''

—President John Kennedy

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Barack Obama on His Strengths and Weaknesses

''If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome.''

—Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner

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Pat Schroeder on George H.W. Bush

''People would say, 'We need a man on the ticket.''

—Rep. Pat Schroeder, on why George H.W. Bush was unlikely to choose a woman as his running mate in 1988

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Barack Obama on Where He Was Born

''Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth.''

—Barack Obama, at the 2008 Al Smith Dinner

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Abraham Lincoln on Silence

''Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.''

—Abraham Lincoln

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Jimmy Carter on People Waving At Him

''My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.''

—President Jimmy Carter

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Ronald Reagan on the Deficit

''I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.''

—Ronald Reagan

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John Kennedy on His White House

''I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.''

—President John Kennedy, at a dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners of the Western Hemisphere, the White House, April 29, 1962

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Ronald Reagan on the Vice Presidency

'There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears.''

—President Ronald Reagan, on possibly being offered the vice presidency in 1968

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Lyndon John on His Vice President

''All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it.''

—Lyndon Johnson on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

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Ronald Reagan on Facing Surgery

''I hope you're all Republicans.''

—Ronald Reagan, speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

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Golda Meir on Humility

'Don't be so humble -- you are not that great.''

—Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir, to a visiting diplomat

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John Kennedy on Buying Votes

''I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: ''Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.'''

—President John Kennedy

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Ronald Reagan on Thomas Jefferson

''Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.''

—Ronald Reagan

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Abraham Lincoln on a Lawyer

''He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.''

—Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer

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Abraham Lincoln on Being Two-Faced

''If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?''

—Abraham Lincoln

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Ronald Reagan on National Emergencies

''I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting.''

—Ronald Reagan

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George W. Bush on Being Decisive

''When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive.''

—George W. Bush, after the 9/11 attacks

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Stephen Colbert on George W. Bush

''I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.''

—Stephen Colbert, mocking President George W. Bush to his face at the 2005 White House Correspondents' Dinner

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Bill Maher on George W. Bush

''Herbert Hoover was a sh**ty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'''

—Bill Maher, on President George W. Bush

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Margaret Cho on George Bush

''George Bush is not Hitler. He would be if he f**king applied himself.''

—Margaret Cho

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Bob Dole on Former Presidents

'There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil.''

—Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

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John Kennedy on Becoming a War Hero

'It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.''

—President John Kennedy, answering a little boy on how he became a war hero

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Ronald Reagan on Politics

''Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.''

—Ronald Reagan

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Barack Obama on Donald Trump

''Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?''

—President Obama, ribbing Donald Trump at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner

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Ronald Reagan on Jimmy Carter

''Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.''

—Ronald Reagan

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Lyndon Johnson Economics

''Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.''

—Lyndon Johnson

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George Carlin on What Conservatives Care About

''Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.''

—George Carlin

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Ronald Reagan on Abortion

''I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.''

—Ronald Reagan, The New York Times, September 22, 1980

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Lyndon Johnson on the News Media

''If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'''

—Lyndon Johnson

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"The West Wing" on Liberalism

''Somebody came along and said 'liberal' means 'soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to.' And instead of saying, 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave-It-to-Beaver trip back to the '50s,' we cowered in the corner and said, 'Please don't hurt me.'''

—NBC's The West Wing

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John Kennedy on Enemies

''Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.''

—President John Kennedy