Funny Christmas Quotes

Want to make witty remarks this Christmas? Ogden Nash, Dave Barry, Charles Dickens, and many other authors share their Christmas humor with you on this page.

Peter Dickinson

"The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts."

Max Lucado, God Came Near

"Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts."

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

Ogden Nash

"People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December."

Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it."

Frank McKinney Hubbard

"​Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."

Bill Waterson, Calvin & Hobbes

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?"

Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

W. J. Cameron

"There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries."

Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"