Funny Divorce Quotes for That Bittersweet Experience

Vent Your Anger With Wacky Humor

Bride and groom figurines standing on two separated slices of wedding cake
Jeffrey Hamilton/ Digital Vision/ Getty Images

Divorce is not funny business. It's hard to laugh when two people are fighting over money, property, and kids. However, divorce is gaining social acceptance in many parts of the world. Humor helps to alleviate the pain of separation, and sarcasm brings out your witty side. So, if you feel like being nasty, it is better to release your nastiness through sarcastic quotes than by snapping at your friends and family.

If you are going through a difficult divorce, you may want to lighten up. Make room for humor in your heart, however bitter you feel right now.  Find ways to vent your disappointment. Rant out loud with friends. If you are seething with anger, let off some steam with these funny divorce quotes. A sense of humor may be your best friend during this difficult time.

Divorce Quotes

Lewis Grizzard
"Instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

Oscar Wilde
"Divorces are made in heaven."

Dave Barry
"Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly."

Garry Trudeau
"In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers."

John Kenneth Galbraith
"The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce."

Zsa Zsa Gabor
"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."

Woody Allen
"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."

Mary Kay Blakely
"Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it." 

J. B. Handelsman
"Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified."

Jimmy Fallon
"A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you."

Groucho Marx
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

Jean Kerr
"Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.  If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left."

Johnny Carson
"The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."

Wendy Liebman
"My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money."

Robin Williams
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Jimmy Fallon
"A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage."

Helen Rowland
"Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest."

Dave Barry
"You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings—even the truth."

James Caan
"To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while."

Ruth Gordon
"In our family, we don't divorce our men—we bury them." 

Mike Tyson
"You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat."

Bette Davis
"I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year."

Lenny Clarke
"I can’t get divorced because I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended."

Mickey Rooney
"A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short."

Evan Esar
"Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables."

"Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy."

Tommy Manville
"She cried—and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook."

Louis C.K.
"Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times."

Chelsea Peretti
"My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don’t really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she’s been really helpful."

John Cleese
"I got off lightly. Think what I’d have had to pay Alyce if she had contributed anything to the relationship—such as children or a conversation."

Russell Brand
"When you're a monk, you're not allowed to have sex with anyone. When you're married, it's one person. That's one more than a monk. It's not that different."

Woody Allen
"I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her."