28 Lighthearted Quotes and Dialogue From the Harry Potter Series

J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series story books
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Despite the sinister plot in author J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter stories, each book has its funny moments. Characters Ron, Fred, George Weasley, and many others add funny quips along with Harry Potter's witty jabs, which easily lightens up some very serious situations. And what they have to say reveals a lot about each character's personality too. We have made sure to get at least one quotation from each of the seven books from the Harry Potter series. Test your memory: Can you recall what was going on at the time of the quote? These quotes are also great as a starting point for book discussions too.

Book 1: "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"

(Note: published as "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" in the United Kingdom.)

Dudley Dursley: They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice?
Harry James Potter: No, thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick.

Fred Weasley 1st Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea.
George Weasley 2nd Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once —
Fred Weasley 1st Twin: Or twice —
George Weasley 2nd Twin: A minute —
Fred Weasley 1st Twin: All summer —
Percy Ignatius Weasley: Oh, shut up!

Professor Minerva McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr. Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.

Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I have rather lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. (eats it)
...Hmm, alas, earwax.

Hermione Jean Granger: (in the Devil's Snare) Stop moving, both of you. This is a devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!

Harry James Potter: So light a fire!
Hermione Jean Granger: Yes... of course... but there's no wood!
Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: HAVE YOU GONE MAD! ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!

Book 2: "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: "A Study of Hogwarts' Prefects and Their Later Careers." That sounds fascinating.

Fred Weasley 1st Twin: Oh get out of the way, Percy. Harry's in a hurry.
George Weasley 2nd Twin: Yeah, he's off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant.

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies"?

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Can you believe our luck? Of all the trees we could've hit, he had to get one that hits back.

Draco Lucius Malfoy: Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?
Harry James Potter: Yeah, reckon so.
Draco Lucius Malfoy: Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? Shame it doesn't come with a parachute in case you get too near a Dementor. (Crabbe and Goyle sniggered)
Harry James Potter: Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you.

Book 3: "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross… (consulting "Unfogging the Future") That means you're going to have "trials and suffering" — sorry about that — but there's a thing that could be a sun… hang on… that means "great happiness"…so you're going to suffer but be very happy…
Harry James Potter: You need your Inner Eye tested if you ask me…

Professor Remus John Lupin: Now repeat after me — without wands please — repeat after me, Riddikulus.
Class: Riddikulus!
Professor Remus John Lupin: And again!
Class: Riddikulus!
Draco Lucius Malfoy: This class is ridiculous.

Hermione Jean Granger: Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats, you know.
Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Yeah, along with the dung beetle.

Professor Sybill Trelawney: The study of Divination will give you the rare gift of SIGHT! (stands up, and promptly bumps into her table)

Professor Sybill Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?
Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley (whispering to Harry James Potter): I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley to Peter Pettigrew (with revulsion): I let you sleep in my bed!

Book 4: "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"

Fred Weasley 1st Twin: Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Don't talk to me.
Hermione Jean Granger: Why not?
Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Because I want to fix that in my memory forever…
Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley (his eyes closed): Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...

Percy Ignatius Weasley: I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days.
Fred Weasley 1st Twin: Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?
Percy Ignatius Weasley: That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway! It was nothing personal!
Fred Weasley 1st Twin: (whispering to Harry Potter): It was. We sent it.

Hermione Jean Granger: You seem to be drowning twice.
Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Oh, am I? I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff.

Ronald (Ron) Bilius Weasley: Poor old Snuffles. He must really like you, Harry… Imagine having to live off rats.

Book 5: "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"

Luna Lovegood: No, I think I'll just go down and have some pudding and wait for it all to turn up... It always does in the end.

Book 6: "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"

Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

Book 7: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"

Peeves: We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter's the one. And Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!

Fred Weasley 1st Twin: He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

Enid Smeek: She's nutty as squirrel poo.

Auntie Muriel Weasley: You there, give me a chair, I'm a hundred and seven!

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Khurana, Simran. "28 Lighthearted Quotes and Dialogue From the Harry Potter Series." ThoughtCo, Apr. 5, 2023, thoughtco.com/funny-harry-potter-quotes-2832508. Khurana, Simran. (2023, April 5). 28 Lighthearted Quotes and Dialogue From the Harry Potter Series. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/funny-harry-potter-quotes-2832508 Khurana, Simran. "28 Lighthearted Quotes and Dialogue From the Harry Potter Series." ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/funny-harry-potter-quotes-2832508 (accessed June 8, 2023).