Hillary Clinton Jokes

Best Late-Night Jokes about Hillary Clinton's 2016 Presidential Campaign

Hillary Clinton laughing
Justin Sullivan / Getty Images

See Also:
Funniest Hillary Clinton Memes
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"Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That’s right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, 'Ugh, I guess...'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter's second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump.

I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more." –Jimmy Fallon

"America Online founder Steve Case endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. Although the last thing Hillary wants to hear is 'You've got mail.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump has just revealed that he's not practicing for the upcoming debates in a 'traditional' way, and has not been using a stand-in for Hillary. Which explains why today I saw Trump at Ann Taylor Loft yelling at a mannequin. 'That sweater set isn't very presidential! Sad!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The latest CNN poll has Donald Trump beating Hillary Clinton 45 percent to 43 percent. But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery." –Seth Meyers

"A reporter went through Hillary Clinton's schedule while she was secretary of state and found that she and Bill were often away from each other, and sometimes even on different continents.

When asked why they didn't try to coordinate their schedules, Hillary said, 'Oh, we did.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is more unpopular than ever, but still not as unpopular as Donald Trump. So this election is kind of like asking people if they'd rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea." –Conan O'Brien

"A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years." –Seth Meyers

"Of course, it's the Democratic Convention, which began last night. There were several big moments, and by the end, everyone was chanting 'I'm With Her!' Unfortunately for Hillary, they were talking about Michelle Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"Right now the New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she's excited by the news and can't wait to find a new way to blow it." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age." –Seth Meyers

"Although Hillary Clinton was cleared of charges in the investigation of her deleted emails, her actions were described by the FBI as 'extremely reckless.' However in her defense, the report pointed out that she was Hillary reckless, not Bill reckless." –Conan O'Brien

"The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she's getting some traction from her new slogan, 'Come with me, if you want to live.'" –Seth Meyers

"At a meeting with nearly 1,000 evangelical leaders today, Donald Trump told the attendees that Hillary Clinton is not worthy of their prayers.

Although I'm pretty sure Hillary's prayers were already answered when Trump won the GOP nomination." –Seth Meyers

"Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary's recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's new campaign slogan is 'Stronger Together.' Which replaces her old slogan, 'Goddammit, It's My Turn!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton had a big night, picking up victories in seven states. While speaking in Miami last night Hillary said, 'I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness.' Then she added, 'And I will crush anyone who won't let me do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely.

The final results weren't actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year." –Jimmy Fallon

"This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it'll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday's Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters, and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff into the White House." –Seth Meyers

"At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that 'in many areas judgment should be left to God.' Then God was like, 'OK. You really shouldn't have deleted all those emails.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that in the last month, Hillary Clinton's lead in Iowa has shrunk from 9 percent to 2 percent. Meanwhile, her fake smile has grown 200 percent." –Seth Meyers

"New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, 'You said we had a deal!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Associated Press just announced that they are no longer including Hillary Clinton's maiden name 'Rodham' in articles about her, nor will they call her 'Mrs. Clinton' anymore. While Republicans have announced that they will no longer call Hillary by the name 'Lady Voldemort.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At last night's CNN town hall debate for the Democrats, Hillary Clinton said that during her time in the White House, she would actually put on a baseball cap and sunglasses so she could walk around Washington, D.C., unnoticed. The only time it went wrong was when Bill pulled up and said, 'Hey baby, do you — oh, never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today.

When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that Hillary's staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn't have an official theme. Then Hillary said, 'Yes it does – revenge.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders' rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half." –Seth Meyers

"CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It'll feel like you're seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she's not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!" –Stephen Colbert

"Last week, the firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton went on 'Meet the Press' yesterday, and I saw that Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she's flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you're about to be spontaneous. “Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1...Boo!" –Jimmy Fallon

"The State Department just released another batch of Hillary’s e-mails from when she was Secretary of State. In the e-mails, Hillary asked an aide what time 'The Good Wife' was on, how to charge her iPad, and how to get wi-fi. Hillary sounds less like the Secretary of State and more like my mom at a hotel." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by 'Spider-Man' star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

"Ben of Ben & Jerry's is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called 'Bernie's Yearning.' It's selling a lot better than Jerry's ice cream for Hillary, 'Pantsuit Email Crunch.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person." –David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She's going to join the all-female cast of 'Ghost Busters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history." –Conan O'Brien

"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" –David Letterman

"There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy." –David Letterman

"Another scandal for Hillary Clinton — they're saying she used a private email address when she was secretary of state, which means the government couldn't archive and preserve her emails. Then Obama said, 'Don't worry, we saw them. We see everyone's emails.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she . . . will still be president." –Jimmy Fallon

"The RNC released its first presidential debate schedule, which includes at least nine debates in different states across the country. As opposed to the Democratic debates, which will just be Hillary staring at her opponents until they burst into flames." –Jimmy Fallon

See Also:
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"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." –Seth Meyers

"I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden 'would be a superb president.' In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview she said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad, the two of them needed to share a bedroom." –Conan O'Brien
 
"In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president 'by the end of the year.' Specifically, the year 1998." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won't make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015.

When asked where she'll travel, she said, 'New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview she said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad, the two of them needed to share a bedroom." –Conan O'Brien
 
"Hillary Clinton has a new book out on her experiences as secretary of state.

Instead of a book jacket, her book is wearing a pantsuit." –Conan O'Brien
 
"It's really starting to look like Hillary Clinton's going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama's campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

"A New York Times poll says that eight out of 10 Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. The same poll also shows that 10 out of 10 Democrats want Chris Christie to run against her." –Seth Meyers

"Today Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, 'Could you start early?'" –David Letterman

"During a speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. You know, just like I still ‘don’t know’ if I’ll have a beer on St. Patrick’s Day." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week in New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn't know if she's running for president in 2016.

Isn't that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she's the only one in the country who doesn't know she's running for president in 2016?" –Jay Leno

"People are saying that Republicans got nothing out of the deal. Not true. They got eight years of Hillary." –David Letterman on the government shutdown

"Joe Biden said this week that he still dreams of being president. To which Hillary said, 'Keep dreaming.'" –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden brought donuts for the government employees. That is very nice. A donut and Joe Biden are very different, of course. One's a doughy thing that Hillary Clinton's going to eat for breakfast — and the other is a doughnut.” –Craig Ferguson

"Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there's one thing Romney's campaign manager is good at, it's stopping someone from becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, 'Hillary in 2016!' and 'Washington needs Hillary!' and 'Hillary for the White House!' That's not her followers. Those were her tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him 'practice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called 'Ready for Hillary.' And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called 'Bracing for Biden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016." –Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him since 1998." –Jimmy Fallon

"When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, 'She's having a little fun being a private citizen.' And then he added, 'Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless." –Conan O'Brien