Jokes about Iran and U.S. Plans for War with Iran

Humorous Quotes from Late Night Hosts

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"A retired Air Force colonel said that U.S. military operations are already under way in Iran. You know what that means, time to break out the old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran has announced, 'We are a nuclear country.' ... You know what's scary about that? The president of Iran knows how to pronounce nuclear." --David Letterman

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb.

The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

"The president of Iran announced that they now have the capacity to enrich uranium. The Iranian president added, 'By the way, the girls didn't help at all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran." --David Letterman

"It's now believed Iran has the capability to make nuclear weapons but hasn't done it yet. Which could be big trouble, because if there's one thing the Bush Administration won’t tolerate, it’s a middle eastern country that could have weapons of mass destruction, that doesn’t." --Jay Leno

"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" --Jay Leno

"Bush said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together'...

Of course, it s a lot easier to be diplomatic when we've only got two armies left to deploy: Salvation and KISS." --Jon Stewart, on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities

"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." --Jay Leno

"President Bush criticized the election process in Iran.

He said there are groups there who try and suppress the vote, power there is in the hands of the very few, and the whole thing is dominated by religion. Hey, that is our system." --Jay Leno

"The new president of Iraq said that U.S. troops will probably be out of that country in two years. ... The bad news is they'll be next door in Iran." --David Letterman

"According to the New York Times, a commission due to report to President Bush this month will claim that our intelligence regarding Iran's weapon program is inadequate. Today Bush said 'Hey, good enough for me. Let's invade." --Jay Leno

"Russia has agreed to help Iran build a nuclear reactor. Yeah, because when you think well-built nuclear reactor you think Russia" --David Letterman

"Bush is denying reports today that he plans to invade Iran. Oh, we're still going to invade, we just don't have any plans." --Jay Leno

"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." --Bill Maher

"Iran said yesterday they will shoot down any of our drones.

You know what our drones are? They're those planes without any pilots. We got the idea for that from Bush and the National Guard." --Bill Maher

"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, 'President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually.'" --Jay Leno

"North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran." --Craig Ferguson

"Condoleezza Rice has warned Iran to stop its nuclear program.

They say stop the nuclear program or face the next step. ... And the next step being fabrication of evidence and then we march right in." --David Letterman

"The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." --David Letterman

More Jokes You Might Enjoy:

"In a speech today President Bush said contrary to reports, he has no plans to attack Iran. The president said 'That's ridiculous. We didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? Man he couldn't decide whether he should give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran." --Jay Leno

"An article in last week's New Yorker magazine, by reporter Seymour Hersch, who will apparently talk to anyone, alleges the Pentagon has been conducting secret spy missions inside Iran to identify possible targets ... or a possible full scale invasion. If you are wondering how our already stretched forces will be able to handle invading Iran as well -- shuttle service will be complimentary." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday, one of Iran's top leaders announced he wanted President Bush to win re-election. When he heard about this, Bush said, you know, for an evil-doer, he's not such a bad guy." --Conan O'Brien

"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said today he is looking into if Iran had anything to do with 9/11, but he's not declaring war yet. He said first he wants to know all the facts -- so apparently he's trying a new strategy." —Jay Leno

"In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran — not Iraq — that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!" —David Letterman

"There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran." —Jon Stewart