Russia Jokes

The Best Late-Night Jokes Mocking Russia and Putin

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Kurtzman, Daniel. "Russia Jokes." ThoughtCo, May. 30, 2016, thoughtco.com/funny-russia-jokes-2733945. Kurtzman, Daniel. (2016, May 30). Russia Jokes. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/funny-russia-jokes-2733945 Kurtzman, Daniel. "Russia Jokes." ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/funny-russia-jokes-2733945 (accessed October 20, 2017).
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Latest Late-Night Jokes

"President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world's biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, 'All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense.

And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, 'Invading Ukraine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?" –Bill Maher

"Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride.

But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger." –Jimmy Fallon

"Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." –Seth Meyers

Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China." –Conan O'Brien

"New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.'" –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward." –Seth Meyers

"This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison." –Seth Meyers

"The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, 'We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team." –Conan O'Brien

The Russians were supposed to do well in men's and women's hockey. Now they've both been eliminated. Not from competition; actually eliminated. They're gone. Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner." –David Letterman

"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started." –Craig Ferguson

Format
mla apa chicago
Your Citation
Kurtzman, Daniel. "Russia Jokes." ThoughtCo, May. 30, 2016, thoughtco.com/funny-russia-jokes-2733945. Kurtzman, Daniel. (2016, May 30). Russia Jokes. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/funny-russia-jokes-2733945 Kurtzman, Daniel. "Russia Jokes." ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/funny-russia-jokes-2733945 (accessed October 20, 2017).