Funny Valentine's Day Quotes

Laughter Makes Evergreen Relationships—and Cheers the Scorned

Couple drinking coffee face to face in cafe
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Remember the first time you met your sweetheart? How funny she was and how you were attracted to her witty lines? Lovers who share a sense of humor stay together longer, so if you want to win your lover's heart, use laughter. Make your day extra special with these funny Valentine's Day quotes.

Or maybe you're single and dreading that annual display of public affection known as Valentine's Day. There are a few lines here that you'll enjoy, too.

Helen Rowland
"A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting."

Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

Mickey Rooney
"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."

Rita Rudner
"I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

Tracy Smith
"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV."

Francis Bacon
"It is impossible to love and be wise."

Ally McBeal
"It’s funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love when we know at the back of our heads the person whom we truly love will always be an exception."

Mirabeau
"Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion."

Plato
"Love is a grave mental disease."

"The Hoosier Farmer" magazine
"Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots."

Rita Rudner
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

Phyllis Diller
"Never go to bed mad—stay up and fight."

Joyce Brothers
"No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along."

Oscar Wilde
"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry."

Margaret Atwood
"The Eskimos have fifty-two words for snow because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love."

Ann Landers
"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."

Yiddish Proverb
"Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love."

H. L. Mencken
"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia."

Jay Leno
"Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, ​Extortion day."

Erich Segal
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

Anonymous
"Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is."

Rosanne Barr
"Women are cursed, and men are the proof."

Mae West
"Women with pasts interest men. They hope history will repeat itself."