Funny Valentine's Day Quotes

Humorous musing for Cupid's doings on February 14th

Couple drinking coffee face to face in cafe
Caiaimage/Sam Edwards / Getty Images

Every February 14th, Cupid hauls out his bow and a quiver of arrows and takes aim at lovers in the name of Saint Valentine. It's a day for love and romance, candy and flowers, cards and trinkets that's celebrated in America and nations around the globe. So, just who was this Valentine? There are several theories, but it's a good bet that while one saint or other of three martyred Catholic saints was eventually affiliated with it, the origins of the holiday likely date back to an ancient Roman fertility ritual known as Lupercalia.

The Historic Evolution of Valentine's Day

Valentine's missives were traded by lovers as far back as the Middle Ages, but the holiday truly came to into its own during the 17th century. A hundred years later, people from every social class had gotten into the spirit, exchanging cards and gifts. As the 20th century dawned, improved technology saw printed cards beginning to replace handmade ones. In addition to being economical and easy, such cards were viewed as an acceptable outlet for people's emotions in an era when expressing personal feelings—especially in person—was often frowned upon.

While Americans started passing hand-made valentines back and forth in the early 1700s, it wasn't until the 1840s that mass-produced valentines–courtesy of Esther A. Howland, a.k.a., “Mother of the Valentine in America"—made their debut. These days, the Greeting Card Association estimates that about 145 million Valentine’s Day cards are sent every year.

Is Valentine's Day Funny?

Sure, Valentine's Day can be a tough proposition if you don't currently have someone to share it with, but even so, it helps to try to keep a sense of humor about things. Who knows? By next year, your situation might change.

Even for those in love, humor and romance are not mutually exclusive. In fact, some people actually consider humor to be an aphrodisiac. Like Marilyn Monroe, one of the 20th century's most iconic sex symbols, so aptly said, “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.” In that spirit, here are some lighthearted quotes for this big-hearted holiday.

Quotes for St. Valentine's Day

“The only bubble in the flat champagne of February is Valentine’s Day. It was no accident that our ancestors pinned Valentine’s Day on February’s shirt: he or she lucky enough to have a lover in frigid, antsy February has cause for celebration, indeed.”―Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"

“Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.”Charles M. Schulz

“It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night."–Chelsea Handler, "My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands"
“If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.”
Ernest Hemingway, "88 Poems"
“It's called Valentine's Day, you moron. If you're going to date a human, Dankmar, you need to remember their holidays.”―Abbi Glines, "Predestined"
“On these little visual interpretations, no emblem is so common as the heart—that little three-cornered exponent of all our hopes and fears—the bestuck and bleeding heart; it is twisted and tortured into more allegories and affectations than an opera hat. What authority we have in history or mythology for placing the head-quarters and metropolis of God Cupid in this anatomical seat rather than in any other, is not very clear; but we have got it, and it will serve as well as any other. Else we might easily imagine, upon some other system which might have prevailed for any thing which our pathology knows to the contrary, a lover addressing his mistress, in perfect simplicity of feeling, 'Madam, my liver and fortune are entirely at your disposal,' or putting a delicate question, 'Amanda, have you a midriff to bestow?' But custom has settled these things, and awarded the seat of sentiment to the aforesaid triangle, while its less fortunate neighbours wait at animal and anatomical distance.”―Charles Lamb, "Re: Valentine's Day Cards," "Essays of Elia"

"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV."—Tracy Smith
“For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne’s day
Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate.”—Geoffrey Chaucer, "Parliament of Foules”

“Right,' he said, sitting on Harry's ankles, 'here is your singing Valentine: His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.”
J.K. Rowling, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"
"Valentine's Day Money-Saving Tips:
• Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
• In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid.
• Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!"
—David Letterman

"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry."Oscar Wilde

"The Eskimos have fifty two words for snow because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love."—Margaret Atwood

"Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone."—Lewis Black

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." —H. L. Mencken

“I'd never done Valentine's Day before. We didn't celebrate it in Catholic School. I understood Valentine's Day, as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow and you fall in love.”―Trevor Noah, "Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood"

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."—Erich Segal

"Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is."—Anonymous

"Women with pasts interest men. They hope history will repeat itself."Mae West
“Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.”Charles Dickens
“Oh God. valentine's Day tomorrow. Why? Why? Why is (the) entire world geared to make people not involved in romance feel stupid when everyone knows romance does not work anyway. Look at (the) royal family. Look at Mum and Dad.”―Helen Fielding, "Bridget Jones's Diary"
“...My funny valentine,
Sweet comic valentine,
You make me smile with my heart.
Your looks are laughable...
Unphotographable,
Still, you're my favorite work of art.
Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak,
Are you smart?
Don't change a hair for me,
Not if you care for me...
Stay, little valentine, stay—
Each day is Valentine's Day.”—Lorenz Hart, "My Funny Valentine"