Funny Winston Churchill Quotes

Famous and Witty Quotes by British Prime Minister Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill. Kirby/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

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"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." –Winston Churchill

"If you are going through hell, keep going." – Winston Churchill

"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly." –Winston Churchill

"We can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities." –Winston Churchill

"You have enemies?

Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." –Winston Churchill

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." –Winston Churchill

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." –Winston Churchill

"Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip." –Winston Churchill

Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." –Winston Churchill

"Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those others that have been tried from time to time." –Winston Churchill

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." –Winston Churchill

"In those days he was wiser than he is now - he used frequently to take my advice." –Winston Churchill

"There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you." –Winston Churchill

"I am easily satisfied with the very best." –Winston Churchill

"A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year.

And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen." –Winston Churchill

"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." –Winston Churchill

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." –Winston Churchill

"Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart.

Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains." –Winston Churchill

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." –Winston Churchill

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." –Winston Churchill

"For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use to be anything else." –Winston Churchill

"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, then asks you not to kill him." –Winston Churchill

"Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught." –Winston Churchill

"Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result." – Winston Churchill

"He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." –Winston Churchill

"Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it." –Winston Churchill

"Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting." –Winston Churchill

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." –Winston Churchill

"I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod." –Winston Churchill

"A joke is a very serious thing." –Winston Churchill

"From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." –Winston Churchill

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often." –Winston Churchill

"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes." –Winston Churchill

"When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber." –Winston Churchill

"If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever.

Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack." –Winston Churchill

"We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy." – Winston Churchill

"Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage." –Winston Churchill

"If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons." –Winston Churchill

"We contend that for a nation to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle." "A sheep in sheep's clothing." (On Clement Atlee)

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy."

"Those who can win a war well can rarely make a good peace and those who could make a good peace would never have won the war."

"Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." –Winston Churchill

"History is written by the victors." –Winston Churchill

"When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone." –Winston Churchill

"Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all." – Winston Churchill

"I have never developed indigestion from eating my words." –Winston Churchill

"We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out." –Winston Churchill

"In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet." –Winston Churchill

"I am ready to meet my Maker.

Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." –Winston Churchill