Gay Marriage Jokes

Best Late-Night Jokes About Gay Marriage

See Also:
Funniest Gay Marriage Memes
Funny Pro-Gay Marriage Signs
Gay Marriage Cartoons


"The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don't need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You're allowed three, and after that, you're done." –Jay Leno

"If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker.

It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that's n institution that bicameral. It's a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation." –Stephen Colbert

"The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights." -Stephen Colbert

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien

"You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage?

Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse." –Jay Leno

"Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married." –Craig Ferguson

"Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal.

Then he said, 'Okay, now where's my show on Bravo?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

"New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it's great for everybody — especially divorce lawyers." –David Letterman

"When you're a gay couple getting married, who gets the bachelor party? Who goes downstairs in the middle of the night to check on the noise? Who forgets the anniversary? Who refuses to stop and ask for directions?

And which one of you will take forever to get ready?" –David Letterman

"The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of 'Glee.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

"A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich yesterday. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. Newt is very firm in his belief. Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife ... and his mistress ... and the other woman he's seeing on the side." –Jay Leno

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition, saying it was unconstitutional.

Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco -- good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert." --Jimmy Kimmel

"People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it." --Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli." --Jay Leno

"Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." --Jay Leno

"A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy." --Craig Ferguson

"As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we'll get to hear these words out of Vermont: 'I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In New Hampshire the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, the big story here in California -- California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see.

Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" --Jay Leno

"The California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, but that's not all. The court also upheld Prop 9, which allows metrosexuals to continue using too much bronzer." --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

"On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage, after Governor Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It's the best news for gays in Maine since L.L. Bean introduced a line of assless duck-waders." --Seth Meyers "The gay agenda put another notch in its thick leather crotch harness yesterday Maine has legalized gay marriage." --Jon Stewart

"New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno

"In California, the ban on gay marriage passed. Gay people are furious. They stormed the State Capitol in Sacramento and caused $3 million in improvements to the city." --Craig Ferguson

"Somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. ... But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they're allowed to be miserable." --Bill Maher

"Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as 'beautiful' - and the honeymoon as 'horrifying.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno

"And New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno

"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno

"Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who's driving and who nags." --David Letterman

"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy Poehler

"The California Supreme Court ruled that it is legal for homosexuals to get married in California. ... As a result, thousands of wedding planners will finally get to plan their own wedding." --Conan O'Brien

"The California Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on gay marriage. Man, you thought it was bad for single women before. All the good ones are either gay or married. Now they're gay and married. ... In fact, in West Hollywood, man, guys are so happy, they were overturning each other." --Jay Leno

"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno

"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy Poehler

"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" --David Letterman

"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate. Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business. ... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"The Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else ... because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." --Jon Stewart

"Even though President Bush is pushing for this gay marriage amendment, Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't think the federal government should be involved. Cheney said the government shouldn't prevent men who are obviously in love with each other from having a relationship. For example, let's say an oil company wants to get in bed with the leader of the Republican Party -- they should be allowed." --Jay Leno

On Bush supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in the 2004 election: "Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage? And yet that was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. All I can say is, as election day gets closer, I would not be surprised to see a large suicide c*ck threatening Manhattan." --Jon Stewart

[Clip of Bush: "America is a free society, which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. In this country, people are free to choose how they live their lives."]
Jon Stewart: "And that's why I want to ban gay people from getting married."

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage, or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently, we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno

"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" --Jay Leno

[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." --Jay Leno

"Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." --Jon Stewart, on President Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage

"President Bush said today he's troubled by all the gay marriages. ... He said the only time two men should ever be in bed together is if one is a lobbyist and one is a politician." --Jay Leno

"Tempers are running really high in Washington about a lot of issues. Yesterday, Senator Arlen Specter and Senator Russ Feingold got into a shouting match over the issue of gay marriage. ... As a result, Specter and Feingold have cancelled their wedding in the Florida Keys." --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans say they plan to press for a constitution amendment to ban gay marriage. Because the founding fathers intended gay sex to be very casual. They didn't want it to be married." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush has been hard at work trying to make it illegal for gay people to get married lately. It's a suspicious move for an ex-male cheerleader I have to say. He's got this bill ... that will define marriage between one man and one woman and possibly one other woman they meet in a hotel bar on a business trip. ... The president is also focused now on border security, especially gay border security" --Jimmy Kimmel

"More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on same-sex marriage. Today, her husband bill described her as a disappointment on opposite-sex marriage." --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage and then he went back to slathering body oil all over his muscles in front of other guys." --Craig Kilborn

"If the last two days are any indication, the race for the White House will be pretty much decided by whether two middle-aged women can open a joint checking account." --Jon Stewart "Although he supports a constitutional ban of gay marriage, President Bush says he supports a civil union. It has all the legal rights of a married couple but it's more like an arrangement than a real marriage. Hey, it worked for the Clintons." —Jay Leno

"President Bush says he's troubled by all the gay weddings that have been going on in San Francisco. Bush also says he's troubled by Bert and Ernie's relationship on 'Sesame Street.'" —Conan O'Brien "Yesterday Canada joined Spain to become one of the only countries to legalize gay marriage. As a result, Canada and Spain are going to spend the weekend antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"Conservative groups are demanding that President Bush support a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. They feel that when the founding fathers were putting the Constitution together they made a mistake by not outlawing it. Have you ever seen the paintings of the founding fathers? The powdered wigs, the frilly collars, the pedal pushers — I think they were for it." —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush said gay marriage is immoral and that heterosexual marriage must be defended, that's what he said. ... You can tell Bush is serious because he said the new Axis of Evil is Cher, Bette Middler and Clay Aiken." —Conan O'Brien

"Our governor here has weighed in on the San Francisco situation. He said he wants them to stop the gay marriages going on up there, but he said that he still supports same sex groping. ... Governor Schwarzenegger says this is not the proper venue to express gay sexuality, but try the locker room at Gold's Gym." —Bill Maher

"President Bush is out of control. Now he says he doesn't even want gays to plan weddings." —Craig Kilborn

"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy." --Tina Fey

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman