Google Jokes

Funny Jokes About Google

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"It's being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You'd think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, 'We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey shows that most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets.

Traditional news outlets didn't believe the news until they Googled it." –Seth Meyers

"Google is working on a pill that will detect cancer and other diseases in the human body. It contains tiny magnetic particles that would travel through your bloodstream to search for malignant cells. We spent years searching Google, and now they are going to search us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A pill like this would give Google access to very sensitive personal information, but Google says they have no intention of using that information for commercial purposes — and that promise is good enough for me." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of the most Googled questions during this week's State of the Union address was, 'How much does the president make?' When he saw it was $400,000 a year, Mitt Romney said, 'I'm out!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system.

The other is Ebola." –Conan O'Brien

"In California, Google has been testing its self-driving car on public roads. And that self-driving car has gotten into its first major accident. Already. The future is here." –James Corden

"Google has announced that the next version of its Android phone software will be called Marshmallow.

It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features." –Seth Meyers

"Here's how powerful Google is, and nobody is really talking about it. Apparently, if you do a search for 'Google car accident,' Google just redirects you to adorable cat videos. And it works." –James Corden

Facebook Jokes

"This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time." -Jimmy Fallon

"It was just announced that more than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It's great: Now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns you." -Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook." -Jay Leno

"Tunes announced a controversial app has been pulled after people said it was designed for stalkers. The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name: Facebook." -Conan O'Brien

"A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That's ridiculous. I don't need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Facebook has been redesigned and it now contains a real-time news ticker. Every update says, 'Breaking news: You’re screwing around at work.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day.

Nine times out of 10, the answer will be 'wasting your time on Facebook.'" –Conan O'Brien

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