Pope Jokes

Funny Late-Night Jokes About Pope Francis

Pope Francis
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"While he was in Washington, the Pope gave a major speech to Congress and asked them to accept immigrants as their own children. And Congressmen were like, 'Eh, we've already got enough children our wives don't know about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope.

You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames." –Jimmy Fallon

"The big story right now is Pope Francis visiting the U.S., and I saw that yesterday, the Pope's plane couldn't land right away because he arrived earlier than planned. That's right, the Pope's flight was early. So I guess he really CAN perform miracles!" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope addressed about 11,000 people at the welcoming event. He spoke about climate change. He said it's a problem that 'can no longer be left to a future generation.' Global warming is a very important issue for the Pope because as you know he has to wear a floor-length, long-sleeved gown to work every day and it's hot." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis is here.

He got in yesterday. He didn't do anything last night, they want him to rest for his hectic schedule the next few days. He did get some rest — much of it during his welcoming ceremony on the south lawn of the White House. That's one thing about being Pope — nobody knows when you're sleeping or when you're praying." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama this morning gave Pope Francis a sculpture of an ascending dove made with pieces of the Statue of Liberty and wood taken from the White House lawn, as well as a key to the house of the first American-born saint.

The Pope then said, 'Oh, I didn't get you anything' and quietly put a $40 Starbucks gift card back in his pocket." –Seth Meyers

"The Pope is coming to America tomorrow. When the Pope's plane lands in the United States, President Obama is going to be there to greet him. President Obama is going to be the guy at arrivals holding a sign that says 'Pope.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis arrived in Washington, D.C., today. I saw that President Obama actually picked him up at the airport. When asked how the Pope will get back to the airport, Obama was like, 'Uber? I don't know. It's not my problem.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, President Obama picked up Pope Francis at the airport. Because what better way to alleviate the traffic the Pope is about to cause than sending out a presidential motorcade?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames." –Jimmy Fallon

"In addition to the 'no shaking hands,' Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope's visit. First, there's 'Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope arrived in the U.S. today. I think that's exciting. The Pope flew into Washington this afternoon on Lifelong Virgin Air." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien

"The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic." –Craig Ferguson

"As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina.

He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he's kind of the bouncer for Heaven." –Jimmy Fallon

"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel Alliance." –Stephen Colbert

"Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night." –David Letterman

"The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble." –David Letterman

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do." –Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.” –Conan O’Brien

"The search for a Pope has begun.

The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate." –Conan O'Brien

"Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.'" –Conan O'Brien