Twitter Jokes

Funny Late-Night Jokes About Twitter

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"Donald Trump lashed out at a number of Republicans on Twitter today, the ones who have been distancing themselves from him. He called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan a weak and ineffective leader. He called John McCain foul-mouthed. He also tweeted, 'It so is nice the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.' This is how he's been behaving with shackles ON?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Twitter is testing a feature that will allow you to write a post that contains up to 10,000 characters.

They're calling this exciting new feature 'Facebook.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is making a special Twitter account to answer questions about the new nuclear agreement. Finally using Twitter for what it was designed for — explaining complex, international nuclear agreements involving several nations." –Seth Meyers

"A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service." –Jimmy Fallon

"The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: ‘They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents.

So, this is what Congress is doing?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The United States has been using Twitter to help fight the Taliban. The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enough tweets from Kanye West." –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama had a town hall on Twitter, and he took questions, the first time this ever happened.

It went smoothly af first, then of course came snarky questions from Republicans, and then the last four were just pictures of Anthony Weiner's penis." –Bill Maher

"Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented." –Jay Leno

"The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money." –David Letterman

"President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers." –Jay Leno

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." –Jay Leno

"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook.

I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired." –Craig Ferguson

"This Twitter is somethin' else. You know, in the old days, a congressman had to chisel images of his penis on limestone." –Jon Stewart, on the Anthony Weiner scandal

"Officials at the Secret Service had to delete a tweet from their official Twitter account because they made fun of Fox News.

Knock it off, Secret Service! That's my job. What is the Secret Service doing with a Twitter account? Isn't it their job to keep stuff secret?" –Craig Ferguson

"Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that's what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control." –Conan O'Brien

"Charlie Sheen created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online." –Jimmy Kimmel

"About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done." –Craig Ferguson

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter

10. You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch
9. You answer the phone: "Twello?"
8. You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower
7. You haven't touched your CB radio in months
6. You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
5. You sleep-tweet
4. No No. 4 — writer on Twitter
3. You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters
2. Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much
1. Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife.