Try Not to Laugh at These 17 Hysterically Funny Urban Legends!

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The Cigar Arsonist

The Cigar Arsonist
Funny Stories from the Urban Legends Archive. Stockbyte / Getty Images

Need a laugh? Sit back and enjoy this collection of funny stories from our archive. 17 awesome urban legends with a punch line!

A CHARLOTTE, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against (get this) fire! Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued — and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that the cigars would be insured against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company grudgingly accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms.

So don't piss off your insurance company!

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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The Zoo Parking Attendant

Parking Lot
Mitch Diamond / Getty Images

Subject: A well-planned retirement

From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars 1 pound (about $1.40) and coaches 5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Er... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Er... no", said Bristol Zoo management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Er... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 pounds (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 3.6 million pounds ($7 million).

And no one even knows his name.

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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Thank You from the Old Folks' Home

Letter from the Old Folks' Home
Viral image | Source unknown

JUST WHEN you lost faith in human kindness. . .

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch, and was writing to say thanks:

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Fuck you."

Life is good.

Sincerely, Edna

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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The Kangaroo Thief

THESE TWO guys my friend knows work for Chase Bank. Every year they go to Australia for a big, bank-sponsored golf tournament. This past year, these guys and their team won the entire tournament and went on to drink lots of beers and celebrate while wearing their newly-won green tournament jackets.

After drinking up a storm, they plopped into their rented car and were driving on deserted roads nearby when they accidentally hit a large kangaroo. Getting out of the car, they realized that the kangaroo had died in the accident.

Being so drunk, though, they propped up the kangaroo, its lifeless head bouncing from one side to the other, dressed it in one of their new green jackets, and took pictures of themselves with their arms around it.

After a few minutes of picture-taking, the guys were shocked when it seemed that the kangaroo came back to life! It turns out that the poor kangaroo wasn't dead, but it had passed out, and when it came back to consciousness started to box with the drunken guys! It actually broke one guy's jaw!! It then hopped away into the landscape.

The men couldn't drive their rented car, as the keys were in the green jacket, which was still on the kangaroo, so they had to walk back to the tournament. A little while later, a pack of kangaroos was seen in the distance, one of them wearing the green jacket.

(As told by a reader)

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In Lieu of a Loo

A YOUNG lady has a new, well-to-do boyfriend. He suggests that she come and meet his parents by having dinner at their place. After a pleasant drive into the country he pulls into a long, impressive drive and she is shocked to find that "their place" is a huge country estate. The door is opened by a butler, who shows the couple in. It's a very impressive, stately home with history, etc.

Everything goes well as they are given drinks and introduced. Being a normal, working class girl, she is a bit awestruck and worried about making a faux pas or breaking some rule of etiquette she is unaware of.

After several drinks she relaxes and they are shown into the dining room for a large feast. Halfway through dinner, the girl, having drunk a fair bit, needs the loo. In her best, polite manner she asks for "the bathroom?" and is shown out of the room by a servant and pointed upstairs to a room.

It's a huge house with many rooms and she finds what she thinks is the right door, only to find a "bathroom" — i.e., no toilet, just a sink and bath. As she only needs a quick wee, she locks the door, hitches up her skirt and, balancing one leg on the bath, sits on the pedestal sink. Unfortunately, it starts to tip over and she hits her head on the bath and knocked unconscious.

She is awakened by a commotion as the door is pushed in and her new boyfriend and family burst in to see her, knickers down, skirt raised and soaking wet, with the broken sink on the floor and water pouring everywhere!!!

(As told by a reader)

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Biscuits for Brains

THERE WAS a sweet older lady who would often do grocery shopping for the infirm and elderly in her church. One hot, summer day a lady asked her to pick up a few things and bring them by her house in a dangerous part of Baltimore City. The sweet old lady was wary but felt that she couldn't say no, even though she was terrified of driving in the part of the city that often had shoot-outs and other drug violence. Anyway, the woman went on her way, picked up the groceries and proceeded to the lady's house.

As she entered the lady's neighborhood she noticed young hoodlums gathering on every street corner. Although she had no air conditioning in the car, she rolled the windows up tightly (as a safety precaution) and suffered in the 90+ degree heat.

She drove ahead until suddenly she heard a loud "POP!" and felt a jolt to the back of her head. She reached to feel the back of her head and came back with a wet oozing mess that she was sure was part of her brain! Knowing that she had been shot, the woman turned around and raced to a local hospital.

Somehow she made it to the emergency room and had the strength to walk right in. She told the attendant that she had been shot. Immediately she was rushed back to an exam room. Doctors whirled around and asked where she had been shot (since they saw no blood). She said "my head," and the doctors found a mass of the oozing white substance the woman had first noticed.

Upon inspection the doctors realized that the white substance wasn't part of her brain but was instead a lump of biscuit dough (the kind in a can) that had exploded from the heat of her car!

(As told by a reader)

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The Wrong Bank

Subject: Vanilla Pudding

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:


(Viral text via forwarded email)

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The Pregnant Turkey

ONE YEAR at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, You've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep, you got it....


(Viral text via forwarded email)

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Read Label Before Using

A HAPPY, hip, happening woman living in San Francisco has to endure a visit from her mother, a prim and proper matronly sort from somewhere in the Midwest. The mother is in the throes of menopause, apparently very cranky and physically uncomfortable, what with hot flashes and the like, and the daughter, in an effort to help but probably also to get Mom out of the house for awhile, suggests that the mother visit her gynecologist.

Mom is not fond of the idea of visiting a gynecologist in a strange city. But after the daughter assures her that the man is thoughtful, kind, humorous and sweet and implores her to go just to make sure everything is okay, the mother reluctantly assents and makes an appointment.

The morning of the appointment, mother is VERY nervous and in preparation takes a shower AND a bath, deodorant head to toe, FDS vaginal spray, the whole nine yards, and heads to the gynecologist.

So. Mom's in the stirrups, the doctor's mucking about down there, and he looks up, fixes her with a funny smile and says, "Looks like we've got ourselves a PARTY GIRL!!"

Mother is shocked, to say the least. "What... what did you say??!!!"

He grins even wider. "I said, 'Looks like we've got ourselves a PARTY GIRL!'" and this is accompanied by a smirk and a wink. Mom is flabbergasted and doesn't utter another word for the balance of the exam, hastily dresses and runs out while avoiding his glance.

Later that evening, the daughter returns home from work, inquires how the appointment went, and the mother says, "You have a very rude doctor! He called me a party girl!"

"A what?"

"A party girl!" Mom is sniffling now. "Why would he call me that?"

"I don't know, it's very out of character for him..." the daughter puzzles. "There must be some reason. Think back. Did you say anything, maybe?"

"No!" The mother bristles. "I didn't say anything like that!"

"Come on, think back. What did you do before the appointment?"

"Well," the mother sniffs, "I was VERY conscientious with my hygiene. I took a bath AND a shower, I used your deodorant and FDS — I hope you don't mind — and then I got dressed, and..."

"Mom!" the daughter interrupts. "Mom, I don't have any FDS."

The mother is silent. They both head to the bathroom where the mother points out what she mistook for FDS. It wasn't. It was orange glitter hair spray from the previous Halloween.

The moral being: READ THE LABEL!

(As told by a reader)

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MasterCard Wedding

FOR ANYONE who feels they've been invited to too many weddings lately, have a laugh. This is actually true. It was in a local newspaper in South Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on The Tonight Show.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming, and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming, bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said that this was his gift and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex... with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!" He turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here!"

He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:

1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.

2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And, best of all...

3) Trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh?

Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests — $32,000
Photographers for the wedding — $3,000 Deluxe
Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks — $8,500
The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex — PRICELESS!!!

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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The Queen, the President, and the Flatulent Horse

AT HEATHROW Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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Bricklayer Accident Report

THIS IS a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation  Board.  This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my
presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.  At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.  

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.  Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.  This explains the two broken legs.  

I hope this answers your inquiry.

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

WHEN APOLLO Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL), while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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The Exploding Toilet

A MAN was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day...

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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The Halloween Surprise

A MARRIED couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

(Viral text via forwarded email)

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An Irish Ghost Story

THIS STORY happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look, Paddy... there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!

(As shared on the Internet)

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Don't Forget Your Undies!

FROM THE Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who  drove their car into K-Mart only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband standing idly by.

The mechanic however had to have three stitches in his head.

 (As shared on the Internet)