Joe Biden Jokes

Funny Late-Night Jokes about Vice President Joe Biden

Joe Biden and President Barack Obama
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

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Stupid Joe Biden Quotes


"Vice President Joe Biden got together with incoming Vice President Mike Pence. Biden went over the primary responsibilities of being vice president, which are: not falling asleep at the State of the Union address . . . and that's about it. So they covered that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term – because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly." –Jimmy Fallon

"A spokesman for the White House yesterday said Vice President Joe Biden has received President Obama's blessing to run for president. Not that he necessarily needs it, but Biden hasn't made a decision yet, but he plans to as soon as Amazon delivers the magic eight ball he ordered." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There was a time when it seemed unimaginable that Joe Biden could ever be taken seriously enough to win his party's nomination, but Donald Trump just blew that idea right out the window." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton's high-profile return to the state. He'll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, 'Because he'd make me look AMAZING.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn't a good idea, because, quote, 'no one wants President Joe Biden.' And that's when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate." –Jimmy Fallon

"A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date.

Isn't that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can't really describe what he does for a living." –Conan O'Brien

"The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no." –David Letterman

"After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it '2012 VP113' or 'Biden' for short.

Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden's bedtime." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that's not a proposal, that's harassment." –Jay Leno

"This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, 'Is this Hell?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's a great day for President Obama. His healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. The president apparently had three speeches ready to go this morning. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld, and one if Joe Biden chewed up the other two." –Craig Ferguson

"Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick 'an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.' When he heard that, Joe Biden said, 'Thanks, I've already got a gig.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A reporter in Florida was forced into a closet by Joe Biden's staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fund-raiser.

The guy said it wouldn't have been so bad if Biden wasn't already in there for the same reason." —Jimmy Fallon

"Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama's reelection is Joe Biden." —Craig Ferguson

"The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden..." —Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence." –Craig Ferguson

"Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just 'hang in there.' What a difference two years makes: Remember 'hope and change'? Now it's 'hang in there.'" —Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal.

He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison." –Jay Leno

"Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'" --David Letterman

"At the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place.

See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks....This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno

"There was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the 'Today' show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don't ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don't think Joe Biden’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease.” –Jay Leno


"Vice President Joe Biden said on the 'Today' show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this - the subways weren’t safe before swine flu." –David Letterman

"Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed -- Joe Biden's office." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I thought this was nice.

To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno

"President Obama says his daughters will take care of the dog, but who picks up the dog's poop after the kids go to sleep? Well, that duty will fall on a low-level employee with nothing else to do. Joe Biden's going to be cleaning up." --Craig Ferguson

The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion. Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." --Conan O'Brien

"It's Vice President-elect Joe Biden's birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can't say anything stupid." --Craig Ferguson

"Late last night, Sen. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of these United States. And even if you are a Republican or a member of one of the small crazy people parties, you could find something to be happy about, whether it's that we have our first-ever African-American president or even that we have our first vice president with hair plugs." --Jimmy Kimmel

"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another." --Jay Leno

"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nailin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nailin Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up." --Jay Leno

"In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!" --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years." --David Letterman

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"And they say that Barack Obama now is a little down in the polls. Now this is a surprise, because after they announced the vice presidential candidate, they were hoping to get that Joe Biden bounce. Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce -- that'll get you impeached." --David Letterman

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the 'full package,' that's what she called him, that's the actual term she used, she called him the 'full package.' Now he's getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig." --Jay Leno

"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, the Republicans are raising questions about his health now.

I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney, okay?" --Jay Leno

"As you know, John McCain is an older white haired man who has been in the Senate over 20 years, voted for the Iraq war, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on. I'm sorry, I got confused." --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama 'the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history." --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he'd rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing.

He said he'd rather be home making love to Joe Biden's wife too." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032." --Jay Leno

"There was another big Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia.

Seven candidates on stage debating. Seven, which, sadly, for Joe Biden, is the biggest crowd he's ever drawn." --Jay Leno

"A team of astronauts, engineers and scientists have asked the United Nations to make plans to deflect a giant asteroid that could hit Earth on April 13, 2036. There's a one in 45,000 chance it could hit. So it's about the same chance Joe Biden has of being president." --Jay Leno

"Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden’s question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He’s brilliant. Do you know what he said? 'I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?'" --Jay Leno

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