Johnny Carson Jokes

Classic Johnny Carson Quotes and Political Jokes

Johnny Carson
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"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."

"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"

"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out.

Larry is stil in."

"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."

"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan

"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."

"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"

"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush

On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."

"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"

"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians

"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle."

Classic Jay Leno Quotes

"An estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the Willamette River. And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!" --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that only one out of four people approve of the job President Bush is doing. One out of four. That means, when he's having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table who thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we’re making so much progress.

So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is." --Jay Leno

"Things aren't looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she's just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing." --Jay Leno

"President Bush welcomed Bill and Hillary Clinton back to the White House for the unveiling of Bill's official portrait. There are two firsts involved. It's the first presidential portrait ever painted by an African-American artist. And it's the first presidential portrait to feature full-frontal nudity." --Jay Leno

"The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10." --Jay Leno

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