Late-Night Political Jokes

Best Political Jokes by the Late-Night Comedians - Updated Daily

Late-Night Comedians

See Also:
Trump Inauguration Memes
Trump Transition Memes
Trump Campaign Memes
Obama and Biden Memes
Best Anti-Trump Protest Signs

Jan. 25, 2017

"President Trump is still settling into the White House, and I read that Trump's gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump is trying to get down to business. In fact, he met with the CEOs of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler this week, to try and convince them to make more cars in the U.S. In fact he even pitched them the idea for a new car: 'The Really, Really Smart Car (Smarter Than You'd Ever Believe, That I Can Tell You.)'" –Jimmy Fallon

See Also: Funniest Trump Inauguration Memes

"There are reports that Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway actually punched a guy while trying to break up a fight at Trump's inaugural ball. Though she says it wasn't a punch, it was an 'alternative high-five.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican today. When the Pope heard it was the guy that said, 'I'll be back,' he said, 'Oh, I was expecting someone else. Sorry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today at the Vatican, Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis and tweeted that he is 'a true leader for the Church.' Then Pope Francis tweeted, 'I couldn't understand a word that guy said.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It's guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the musical." –Conan O'Brien

"A man and his 75-year-old mom survived being lifted out of their home during a tornado by sitting together in a bathtub. The man said the tornado didn't traumatize him but being in a bathtub with his mother did." –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump has called for an investigation into voter fraud during the presidential election. Trump said, 'I mean for God's sake, look who they chose!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight President Trump continued with his mysterious and puzzling claim that voter fraud cost him the popular vote in the election. He says 3 million to 5 million illegal voters chose Hillary over him. He knows if that's true he still has to be president, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump tweeted this morning, 'I will be asking for a major investigation into voter fraud, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal, and' — he goes on to another one — 'even those registered to vote who are dead, and many for a long time.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"That's right, dead people voted. And I like that he added 'many for a long time,' which makes it seem like if newly dead people vote, you can forgive that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a report from the Brennan Center for Justice, the rate of voter fraud, the real rate in U.S. elections, is between .00004% and .00009%.

In other words, about the same rate as the couples on 'The Bachelor' who get married." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a tiny percentage, but there will be a major investigation. He must get to the bottom of why he is stuck with this horrible job he didn't want." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the Vatican today, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Pope Francis. Or as Arnold called him, 'Pump Fracas.' Interesting meeting, because Arnold doesn't speak English — I mean Spanish — never mind. He doesn't speak English." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to The New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump's favorite snacks including Lay's potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers." –Seth Meyers

"US Weekly released their new cover story on Donald Trump's children and promised 'everything you didn't know about the Trump kids.' 'Is it their names?' asked Trump." –Seth Meyers

"Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana … Oh. Right." –Seth Meyers

"According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there's one thing women love, it's a man who can lie." –Seth Meyers

More Late-Night Jokes:
Donald Trump Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
Hillary Clinton Jokes

Jan. 24, 2017

"ABC will air a primetime special with President Trump tomorrow night, marking his first interview since taking office. Even though the interview hasn't even aired yet, Trump is already claiming it was watched by a billion people." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn't seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rolling Stone just did a big profile on Vice President Mike Pence, and revealed that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he even heard a voice coming from it that said, 'If you build it ... Mexico won't pay for it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Senior aides to Donald Trump say they try to keep him from watching cable TV. And that's partly because the news channels upset him, but mostly because he's now bought over 300 NutriBullets." –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump announced he will nominate a new Supreme Court Justice sometime next week. Trump said, 'I just need a few more days to come up with someone completely unqualified.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It is true, I'm not making this up, he did call his inauguration day 'A National Day of Patriotic Devotion.' So today, Trump was accused of fascism by Democrats and plagiarism by Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"The Oscar nominations came out today and the movie 'La La Land' got 14 nominations.

However, that's only because 3 to 5 million undocumented immigrants voted illegally." –Conan O'Brien

"A Fox News host claims he saw Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway get into a fistfight at one of the inaugural balls. However, today it was explained to him that 'that's just how Irish people dance.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump got his first approval rating numbers and they aren't good. His approval rating stands at 45 percent, which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or as his press secretary Sean Spicer put it today, 'The highest in history for a new president.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The number one thing on Donald Trump's mind right now is the election in November. He says that 3 million to 5 million illegal voters cost him the popular vote. There doesn't seem to be any evidence to support this belief but that doesn't matter." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm 100 percent convinced if given the choice, Donald Trump would rather have won the popular vote and lost the actual election than the other way around." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times used the word 'lie' to describe the president's take on this. But I don't know. A lie is when you say something you know isn't true. I think Donald Trump believes it. It's not so much a lie as it is a symptom." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Following President Trump's inauguration, the White House website no longer has an option for translation into Spanish. So, sorry, Mexican immigrants, if you want to live here, you'll just have to learn to speak Russian." –Seth Meyers

"President Trump today met with the leaders of Fiat, Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors. And he asked them one question, 'How many people do you think were at my inauguration?'" –Seth Meyers

"Oscar nominations were announced today with Meryl Streep nominated for 'Florence Foster Jenkins,' Natalie Portman for 'Jackie,' and Hillary Clinton for smiling her way through the inauguration." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 23, 2017

"Even though our studio can only hold 200 people, Donald Trump's press secretary says we've got 2 MILLION people here tonight! We're just a few days into Donald Trump's presidency. And I don't know what Trump's fitness initiative is, but because of him, millions of women got their steps in this weekend." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Women's March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump's inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, 'Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday was Donald and Melania Trump's 12th wedding anniversary. When asked what the traditional 12th anniversary gift is, Trump said, 'I don't know, I've never made it this far.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has admitted that Donald Trump did not write his inauguration speech. The speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker." –Conan O'Brien

"There were marches across all seven continents, including Antarctica. To be fair to Trump, the protest in Antarctica was just the March of the Penguins." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, 750,000 protesters attended the Women's March in downtown Los Angeles. The last time this many women gathered in downtown L.A., it was to testify against Bill Cosby." –Conan O'Brien

"Friends say Hillary Clinton is thinking of writing another book. This book's tentative title is 'Happy Now, [Jerks]?'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump did draw a huge crowd over the weekend. On Saturday between 3 million and 5 million people, mostly women, gathered to support him — was that what they were doing? — in New York, L.A., Chicago, and Washington, D.C." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There were protests in all 50 states. In 32 countries. They say it was the biggest protest in American history. Can you imagine having that many women get mad at you?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"On the opposite end of the female empowerment spectrum, tonight on ABC we had a new episode of 'The Bachelor.' The women packed up their emotional baggage for a visit to Nick's hometown in Wisconsin. Never has a group of women pretended to be more excited about going to Wachesaw, Wisconsin, than tonight." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During his inaugural address on Friday, President Trump said, quote, 'The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.' Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down." –Seth Meyers

"During his inaugural address President Trump said that the ideology for his administration will be 'America First.' Which also happens to be Putin's ideology. 'America first, then we go into Ukraine, then Eastern Europe…'" –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton said yesterday that the images of the Women's March were 'awe-inspiring.' Adding, 'Nice to see you all come out in full force, finally.'" –Seth Meyers

Jan. 19, 2017

"Tomorrow is the presidential inauguration. People from all across country will be there. But don't worry if you can't make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump apparently wrote a draft of his inauguration speech himself. A little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, 'Is boobs spelled with two 'o's or three?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Now, Trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. Well, we got a hold of some of them. So check these out: This first line Trump threw away was 'Four score and seven bankruptcies ago.' Then he tried, 'Read my lips. No new taxes — for me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"And finally he tried, 'Dwight D. Eisenhower said, 'Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy,' and to that I say, why not both?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"One of the DJs at Donald Trump's inauguration celebration used to be Hugh Hefner's personal DJ. When asked how he became a DJ for both Hugh Hefner and Donald Trump, he said, 'I'm not a very good DJ.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Southern California man has created a dating site exclusively for Trump supporters. It's a great way for angry white men to meet other angry white men." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's press secretary claims that Trump's cabinet will be one of the most diverse in history. Of course he didn't mean American history, he meant Confederate history." –Conan O'Brien

"The president of Gambia is refusing to step down, even though the country has elected a new president. Which raises the question, why can't we be more like Gambia?" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, in his last full day in office, President Obama commuted the sentences of 330 prisoners. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, 'I hope I'm one of them.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Meteorologists are predicting that the weather for the inauguration tomorrow will be cold, damp, and dreary. However, things will warm up later in the afternoon, during the Rapture." –Conan O'Brien

"Today is President Obama's final day in office, and I just want to say: Mr. President, you weren't great for comedy. You were always sincere and eloquent. You never had a scandal or fell down the stairs. You carried yourself with grace and dignity for eight whole years. So, on behalf of comedians and talk show hosts everywhere: We're gonna miss you, Joe!" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama surprised his White House staffers with a private concert by Bruce Springsteen to thank them for their work over the last eight years. Meanwhile, Trump thanked his supporters with a performance by a Bruce Springsteen cover brand's drummer's DJ friend." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump will be sworn in as president of the United States tomorrow. That's right. Basically, we as a nation are going from the first season of 'Lost' to the last season. As it turns out, we're all in purgatory. That's the best-case scenario." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea is reportedly readying two intercontinental ballistic missiles to nuke Donald Trump's inauguration. Listen, Tubby, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that if you want to scare us this weekend." –Conan O'Brien

Jan. 17, 2017

"Donald Trump's inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying, quote, 'We'll give you cookies and Kool-Aid.' Then Republicans in Congress were like, 'Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's expected to rain in Washington during Donald Trump's inauguration. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, 'The sky is rigged.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's rumored that Donald Trump's transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said after he's sworn into office on Friday, he's going to take the weekend off. Unless, of course, he has to deal with a national emergency or a 'Saturday Night Live' sketch. It could go either way." –Conan O'Brien

"It was announced that the B Street Band — a Bruce Springsteen cover band — that was booked for an inauguration gala has since decided to cancel out of respect for Springsteen's opposition to Donald Trump. You know it's bad when even a cover band is like, 'We don't want to compromise our artistic integrity like that.'" –James Corden

"The celebrities attending are so non-famous, they'd probably get cast on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –James Corden

"Maybe a Springsteen cover band canceling is all for the best. 'Born in the USA' would have been an insensitive song to play at a party celebrating a campaign that was actually born in Russia." –James Corden

"Donald Trump will be sworn in as president this Friday at 12 noon. That's when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the Bible." –Seth Meyers

"Today was first lady Michelle Obama's birthday. And for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited Joe Biden blew out her candles." –Seth Meyers

"We are just three days away from Donald Trump's inauguration, and just two days away from all those time travelers coming back to stop him. Or not." –Stephen Colbert

"So Trump might want to put in some more hours just to get his popularity up. He's got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it's not a popularity contest. And neither was the election." –Stephen Colbert

"Right now, Donald Trump has 40 percent favorable, whereas on his Inauguration Day, Barack Obama's favorability rating was 79 percent. But he was the first black president, and if America's known for anything, it's giving black men the benefit of the doubt." –Stephen Colbert

"Evidently, any bad news for Trump is rigged. If it rains on Inauguration Day, he'll tweet, 'Fake weather. Clouds are rigged. Apologize!'" –Stephen Colbert

"Even Trump's staunchest supporters are starting to have doubts because, evidently, white nationalists are already losing faith in the president-elect. That is so sad. I mean, they've gone from 'Heil!' to 'Huh?'" –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 16, 2017

"I saw that Donald Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that Trump raised a record $90 million in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, 'Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend, Donald Trump sent out angry tweets blasting civil rights legend John Lewis. So I guess we all celebrate Martin Luther King Day differently." –Conan O'Brien

"A Bruce Springsteen cover band is the latest musical act to drop out of performing [at the inauguration]. Yeah. That's right. That's the situation we're in right now. It is not a good sign when a cover band thinks you're not a legitimate president." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a replacement for Obamacare that will provide insurance for everybody. Yeah, it's called move to Canada." –Conan O'Brien

"Dozens of Democratic members of Congress are boycotting Donald Trump's inauguration. Which is shocking because I didn't know there were still dozens of Democratic members of Congress. I guessed there were like two left." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview, President Obama said that reading books helped him get through difficult times during his presidency. Reading books, yeah. So he said, 'Thank you, Judy Bloom.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new app out there that describes itself as Tinder for adopting babies. So one day, siblings will be taunting each other with, 'Ha ha, mom right-swiped you. You shouldn't be here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony is this Friday, which means Mike Pence's is on Monday." –Conan O'Brien

"After civil rights leader John Lewis called Donald Trump an illegitimate president, incoming chief of staff Reince Priebus claimed that Republicans never questioned the legitimacy of President Obama's election. And then President Obama sighed so hard his hair turned white." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump tweeted about Martin Luther King Jr. this morning, saying people should celebrate, quote, 'All the many wonderful things that he stood for.' He then quickly logged off before anyone asked him to name one." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump met with Steve Harvey at Trump Tower on Friday. Meanwhile, Trump's toupee and Harvey's mustache met for a play date." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump observed the holiday by visiting the National Museum of African American History, or more accurately, canceling his visit to the National Museum of African American History. Although I guess in a way that might be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation." –Stephen Colbert

"Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down. Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against a Trump presidency." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 12, 2017

"All of these accusations are coming out about Trump's ties with Russia. In fact, a 2013 interview just resurfaced where Trump says he has a relationship with Vladimir Putin. While Putin's like, 'Ugh, you poke someone back on Facebook, next thing you know you're in a relationship.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Trump held his first big press conference since the election, and he got into a shouting match with a CNN reporter who claims that Trump tried to have him thrown out. Then the other reporters were like, 'Oh, come on. Why does HE get to leave?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Now Penthouse is offering a million dollars to anyone who has compromising videos of Donald Trump. When he heard about the offer, Trump provided the videos himself. 'I know a good deal when I see one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, 'I'm not in the TSA.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The CIA is now saying that the Kremlin has multiple sexual recordings of Donald Trump. After hearing this, Trump smirked and said, 'Yeah, all from the same night… #stamina.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has named 72-year-old Rudy Giuliani to be his adviser on cybersecurity. Trump explained, 'I'm not up to speed on the latest technology, so I wanted to get

"Meanwhile, in our nation's capital, our elected officials had a late night of work. After seven hours of debating, they voted to approve a resolution that would rid the country eventually of Obamacare. Can you imagine, the senators finally worked until 1:30 in the morning, and it was for this? How would Congress like it if we all met in the middle of the night and voted to take THEIR healthcare away?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"If Obamacare is repealed, 20 million Americans could lose healthcare which is a very big deal, but we don't seem to be as fired up. If they voted to take Netflix away from us, we'd go nuts. We would burn things. It would be crazy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama today awarded Vice President Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom With Distinction, which is an honor only three other people have been given over the last 30 years. Then Biden gave Obama his highest honor, double finger guns with a wink." –Seth Meyers

"The head of the office of government ethics said yesterday that the only way for Donald Trump to completely avoid conflicts of interest is to sell his assets and place them in a blind trust. Trump was like, 'Fine, I trust Ivanka.'" –Seth Meyers

"Senate Republicans today passed a budget blueprint marking the first steps towards repealing Obamacare. Which means it's going to cost us a lot more to get this mole looked at." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama is wrapping things up at the White House. You know, cleaning out his desk, handing over the keys, and spackling over the holes in the office wall so he can get the security deposit back, squeeze a little toothpaste in there." –Stephen Colbert

"There's these allegations that Russia has compromising information on Donald Trump. It's all based on 35 pages of opposition research that was evidently put together by a British MI6 agent. Yesterday, we didn't know his name, and now we know his name is Steele — Christopher Steele. So, a Brit spy named Steele? Is he Remington Steele's cousin?" –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 11, 2017

"Donald and Melania Trump are scheduled to ride with the Obamas to the Capitol on Inauguration Day. And you thought your Uber pool was uncomfortable." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama offered to leave behind the swing set that he had installed for his kids so that Trump's grandkids could use it, but Trump turned him down. Trump said he'll be building a bigger, better swing set and he's going to make the kids pay for it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The big story right now is the new report claiming that Russia has enough embarrassing material on Donald Trump to blackmail him. On the other hand, so does anyone who follows Trump on Twitter." –Jimmy Fallon

"There will be a '20/20' special on Trump's inauguration that has forced ABC to push back its premieres of 'Scandal' and 'How to Get Away With Murder.' Yeah, to make room for the special about Trump called 'Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"At his press conference today, Donald Trump said America will build the border wall and then be reimbursed by Mexico. The invoice will be submitted to Mexico's Department of 'In Your Dreams, Pendejo.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a tweet today, Donald Trump compared the way he's been treated to Nazi Germany. Which is unfair, because everyone knows Hitler won his election without the help of the Russians." –Conan O'Brien

"In his farewell speech, President Obama said being a father to his daughters was his proudest achievement. In response, Donald Trump said being a father to his daughter is the reason he's not allowed to date her." –Conan O'Brien

"CNN reported that last Friday intelligence chiefs presented Trump with claims of Russian efforts compromise him. I gotta say, that is an awkward first meeting with your new boss. 'Hey, so, looking forward to working together, watercooler's down the hall, we heard you're a puppet of a hostile foreign government, Barbara validates parking any time you need it, any questions?'" –Stephen Colbert

"Intelligence officials prepared a two-page summary of allegations that Russian operatives claim to have compromising personal and financial information about Mr. Trump. Trump received these documents as part of his intelligence briefing, so we know one thing for sure: He didn't read them." –Stephen Colbert

"Trump immediately denied the report, tweeting, 'Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to leak into the public. One last shot at me. Are we living in Nazi Germany?' So true — we all remember how unfair Nazi Germany was to their charismatic leader. Those people were always going 'Talk to the hand!'" –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 10, 2017

"President Obama gave his farewell address tonight in Chicago and thousands of people waited outside in freezing temperatures to get tickets. Now those people have a week to get over their pneumonia before they lose their health insurance." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next 'Naked Cowboy' in Times Square." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary and Bill Clinton announced that they are going to attend Donald Trump's inauguration next Friday. Trump was really excited when he heard because they're the first celebrities that said they'll actually go. Even more awkward, she's sitting right next to Putin." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's being reported Yahoo might be changing its name to Altaba. The announcement was made so people could get a jump start on saying, 'You're still using Altaba?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Senator Rand Paul said that this week he will introduce a GOP replacement plan for Obamacare. The new comprehensive health initiative will be called 'Don't Get Sick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"CNN is reporting that the Russians have disgusting and damaging information about Donald Trump. Apparently, the Russian report on Trump contains 'everything we already know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it's going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together." –Conan O'Brien

"Today on Capitol Hill, Trump's pick for attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was grilled by senators during the first confirmation hearing of the Trump administration. Sessions is a controversial pick. For instance, in the past, he's been a vocal opponent of marijuana legalization. At one point he said, 'Good people don't smoke marijuana.' That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana." –James Corden

"Another controversial moment was in 1986, when Sessions was accused of racism while up for a federal judgeship. Sessions responded, 'I am not a racist. I am not insensitive to blacks.' And as everyone knows, the best way to prove you're not a racist is to use the term 'blacks.'" –James Corden

"Donald Trump appointed his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, as White House senior adviser. I bet when they first met, Trump was like, 'What are your intentions with my daughter?' Kushner was like, 'I'll be honest. I'm just sleeping with her to get close to you.' And Trump was like, 'Nice.'" –James Corden

"Tonight on all the channels President Obama gave his farewell speech. It's the Obama speech that Republicans have been looking forward to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama said while he was preparing the speech, he said 'I'm thinking about this as a chance to say thank you for an amazing journey' — sounds to me like someone's been watching 'The Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, 'I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.' Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, 'Ku Klux or Wu Tang?'" –Seth Meyers

"Eric Trump recently said that the Trump Organization will 'probably not' pursue business deals in Russia in the next few years. They'll also 'probably not' tell us if they do." –Seth Meyers

"Music streaming app Spotify today offered President Obama a job as 'President of Playlists.' And they say America isn't racist – white ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ." –Seth Meyers

Jan. 9, 2017

"Over the weekend, Pope Francis gave his support to a woman who was publicly breastfeeding. The Pope defended himself saying, 'I'm celibate, this is all I have.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick, James 'Mad Dog' Mattis. You know you're in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is making his son-in-law Jared Kushner a senior adviser to the Presidency. Today, Trump said, 'I've looked into it and nothing's ever gone wrong with a guy named Jared.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At last night's Golden Globes, Meryl Streep criticized Donald Trump, then Trump tweeted that she is 'overrated.' 'Overrated' is different from Trump's normal insult for women, 'over 40.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a tense exchange yesterday, a U.S. Navy destroyer fired warning shots at fast-approaching Iranian naval ships. So of course, our president-elect tweeted about how overrated Meryl Streep is." –James Corden

"Meryl Streep's speech last night at the Golden Globes took direct aim at Donald Trump when she called him a bully. Of course, Trump responded in a tweet saying Streep is quote one of the most overrated actresses in Hollywood." –James Corden

"If you want to see real acting, just watch the Republican Congress as they pretend that everything's going to be okay for the next four years." –James Corden

"Meryl Streep was given the Cecil B DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes last night and used her acceptance speech to criticize Donald Trump. That's right, the all-time queen of American drama was criticized by Meryl Streep." –Seth Meyers

"The movie 'La La Land' won a record seven Golden Globes last night. The movie tells the story of a struggling jazz musician named Sebastian, who against all odds, is white." –Seth Meyers

"First Lady Michelle Obama gave her final White House speech on Friday where she told young people to quote, 'never fear.' Though it was weird that she told old people to quote, 'Watch your backs.'" –Seth Meyers

"A man is claiming that his struggle with sleep-apnea caused him to grope a woman's breasts on a flight. Said the woman, 'Nice try, Mr. President-elect.'" –Seth Meyers

"Last night, President-elect Trump was too focused on defeating ISIS and creating jobs to pick a fight with a celebrity — just kidding, he tweeted: 'Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood...'" –Stephen Colbert

"Look, Mr. Trump. You can refuse to release your taxes, you can call to ban an entire religion, you can play footsie with a dictator, but calling Meryl Streep overrated? No!" –Stephen Colbert

"Trump spokeswoman and future award-winning Meryl Streep role Kellyanne Conway weighed in on the reporter controversy by explaining we shouldn't get hung up on little things like what Donald Trump says and does." –Stephen Colbert

"On Friday, the director of national intelligence released a report that found that Putin ordered the effort to undermine faith in the election and help Trump. Apparently, after Russia was embarrassed by the Olympic doping scandal, Putin wanted to discredit the image of the United States and cast it as hypocritical. Hey, Putin, we don't need any help looking hypocritical. Okay? We're the country that invented both chili cheese fries and open heart surgery. We got this one." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 4, 2017

"We're a little over two weeks from Trump's inauguration. Typically, you've got a bunch of stars there at the inauguration to perform for the new president. Reagan had Frank Sinatra, Clinton had Fleetwood Mac, George W. Bush had Ricky Martin, Obama had Beyonce. So, obviously, for Trump, everybody who's anybody is going to be there, except for anybody. Because he's having a wee bit of trouble getting famous acts to perform." –Stephen Colbert

"Turns out the Mormon tabernacle choir is scheduled to perform, but over the weekend, a choir member resigned because she didn't want to perform for Trump. Now the choir needs to fill that empty spot with a Mormon who has free time and can sing — Trump has a job for Mitt Romney after all!" –Stephen Colbert

"Bill and Hillary Clinton will attend Trump's inauguration. I think that's very nice that she's being a gracious loser. And if you count the popular vote, a gracious winner." –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 3, 2017


"Yesterday Donald Trump tweeted at North Korea after they announced plans to test an intercontinental nuclear weapon. Trump tweeted, 'It won't happen.' I'd like to believe he's right, but 'It won't happen' is exactly what everyone said about Trump becoming president." –James Corden

"I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you can't stop a nuclear missile by tweeting at it." –James Corden

"On New Year's Eve Trump tweeted: 'Happy new year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!' Enemies? The only people who admit to having 'Enemies' are Donald Trump and 8th grade girls." –James Corden

See Also: Best Political Cartoons of the Week

See Also:
Funniest Trump Memes
Funniest Ted Cruz Memes
Funniest Hillary Memes
Funniest Bernie Sanders Memes
Funniest GOP Primary Memes

Dec. 21, 2016

"Donald Trump loves Christmas. It's the one time of year where he can say, 'Those are real, those are fake,' and claim he was talking about Christmas trees." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump confirmed yesterday that he met with Mexican businessman Carlos slim recently.

And I guess it went well, 'cause he later tweeted in all caps, 'HE IS A GREAT GUY.'" –Jimmy Fallon

See Also: Funniest Memes Mocking Trump

"Even in print, Trump's way of communicating with foreigners is just speaking English louder." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rudy Giuliani said this morning that even though Donald Trump passed him over for a position in his administration, Trump hasn't forgotten about him. Said Trump, 'It's true. How could I ever forget Rudy Garziola? Gorgonzola, whatever. I'll never forget my good friend Judy.'" –Seth Meyers

"Bill O'Reilly said last night that liberals want to eliminate the Electoral College because they want power taken away from the white establishment. Bill, you don't have to say, 'White establishment.' It's redundant. That's like saying ATM machine. The 'M' means machine." –Seth Meyers

"Vice president Joe Biden will reportedly work at the University of Pennsylvania once he leaves office.

Apparently they had an opening for, 'Cool R.A.'" –Seth Meyers

More Late-Night Jokes
Donald Trump Jokes
• Hillary Clinton Jokes
Bernie Sanders Jokes
Best Jokes of the Week

Dec. 20, 2016

"Yesterday, Donald Trump officially became the president-elect after 538 electors from the Electoral College cast their votes — and immediately after, Donald Trump claimed that 3 million of them voted illegally." –Jimmy Fallon

"Apple's new operating system gets rid of the feature that tells you how much battery time you have left on your laptop. People will have no idea they're about to lose power. Or as Democrats put it, 'Been there.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is saying 'Merry Christmas' instead of 'Happy Holidays.' Donald Trump said he's a fan of Jesus because 'I like guys who inherit their dad's business and then think they're God.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Opera star Andrea Bocelli has backed out of performing at Donald Trump's inauguration after pressure from his fans. So congratulations to his replacement, Chumbawamba." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that after the election, he didn't call Bill Clinton, but instead, 'Bill Clinton called me.' Bill Clinton said, 'Actually, I was calling for Melania and he answered the phone.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Well, there are only four days until Christmas. So, Hillary, just choose a tree already. You've been in the woods long enough. Choose a tree and come home, Hillary." –Seth Meyers

"Netflix began streaming a biopic of President Obama this weekend called 'Barry.' They'll also air a documentary about Trump's presidential win called 'Barely.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump has now waited over four times longer than any other president-elect to hold a post-election press conference.

He is basically treating the press like a Tinder date. They did every dirty thing he wanted and now he's ignoring their texts." –Seth Meyers

More Late-Night Jokes:
• 2016 Election Jokes
Barack Obama Jokes
• Ted Cruz Jokes

Marco Rubio Jokes
• Jeb Bush Jokes

Dec. 19, 2016

"Today, the Electoral College officially cast its votes for president, and Bill Clinton actually teared up after voting for Hillary, saying that he's never cast a vote he's been prouder of. Then he said, 'Except for that wet T-shirt contest I judged in Cancun.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Barack Obama just held the final news conference of his presidency and at the end, Obama wished everyone a Mele Kalikimaka, which is the Hawaiian greeting for Merry Christmas. Mele Kalikimaka is also what Donald Trump tweeted when he was just trying to spell Merry Christmas." –Jimmy Fallon

"So far Donald Trump's cabinet picks have a net worth of over $14 billion. So hopefully, Trump's plan to balance the budget involves calling a meeting and then just passing the hat around." –Conan O'Brien

"The Electoral College met today to cast their ballots for president and vice president. It's the first college Donald Trump has gotten into without a letter from his father." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama recently said that he and Donald Trump most likely have different definitions of political correctness. And just as likely, different spellings." –Seth Meyers

"John McCain criticized President Obama yesterday and said he 'has no strategy and no policy' on dealing with Russia's recent hackings. Oh, he has a strategy all right — it's called running out the clock." –Seth Meyers

"The price of gold increased today after falling to its lowest level in almost a year. Which can only mean one thing — Trump is remodeling his bathroom." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 14, 2016

"We're just 10 days away from Christmas! And if you want to know if Santa has you on his 'nice' list or his 'naughty' list, just ask Russia to hack it for you." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Then Hillary said, 'I can't believe you'd be so careless with your email!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"And it turns out that two separate Russian hacking groups named Cozy Bear and Fancy Bear were targeting the DNC. It's confusing, 'cuz 'Cozy Bear' and 'Fancy Bear' are also Trump and Putin's nicknames for each other." –Jimmy Fallon

"When an FBI agent first contacted the DNC to tell them they'd been hacked, the person who took the call thought it was a prank. 'Yeah, it happens more than you'd think,' said FBI Agent Seymour Butts." –Jimmy Fallon

"So far, President-elect Donald Trump's cabinet is over 75% white men. It's the first presidential cabinet in history to be sponsored by Dockers." –Conan O'Brien

"Kanye West tweeted a photo of a Donald Trump-signed copy of Time Magazine's Person of the Year issue. Trump signed it, 'To my good friend, Ben Carson.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the president-elect met with Bill Gates, Jim Brown, and Kanye West. Today he met with executives from Amazon, Tesla, Apple, Google, and Facebook. He gathered all the major tech execs for a very important role: He wanted to see if any of them could figure out his iTunes login." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The CEO of Twitter, Jack Dorsey, did not meet with Donald Trump, I'm guessing for the same reason Dr. Frankenstein never went out of his way to meet the monster." –Jimmy Kimmel

Dec. 13, 2016

"This morning, Kanye West actually showed up to meet with Donald Trump at Trump Tower. People were shocked — they didn't expect those two to meet until the first presidential debate in 2020." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump announced he's nominating Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be his secretary of state, even though Rex supposedly has a friendly relationship with Vladimir Putin. Today, Rex said, 'Putin and I aren't friends,' while Putin said, 'That's SO something Rex would say.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney tweeted that it was 'an honor' to be considered for secretary of state. Romney then tweeted, 'Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?'" –Conan O'Brien

"A friend of Donald Trump's said that Trump dangled the office of secretary of state to Mitt Romney to 'torture him.' You can watch the whole thing in the new series 'White Billionaire Pranks.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, Donald Trump met with Kanye West. It's always cool when two future presidents hang out." –Conan O'Brien

"A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit, and said, 'There's not a hell of a lot we can do about it.' So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays!" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's pick for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was once the president of the Boy Scouts of America. Or as Donald Trump calls that, 'government experience.'" –Conan O'Brien

"There are only 11 shopping days left until Christmas, and only 37 shopping days to fill your doomsday bunker with canned goods before Trump becomes the president." –James Corden

"Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil." –James Corden

"The big story today was Trump's meeting with Kanye West. The two met in Trump's apartment and then took photos and answered questions in the lobby. When asked what they talked about, Trump had kind of a weird answer: 'We're just friends.' Just friends? What happened up in that apartment?" –James Corden

"Donald Trump met with Kanye West today — what an amazing thing to see. Our next two presidents side by side." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kanye tweeted, 'It's important to have a direct line of communication with our future president if we truly want change.' Yeah, that's great for you, but what about us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kanye needs to stay close to Donald Trump because at this point he's the only person who can afford to buy his sneakers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"On Twitter Trump announced his nominee for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, CEO of a small mom-and-pop business called Exxon Mobil. He announced he's changing his slogan from 'drain the swamp' to 'fill 'er up!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"These cabinet appointments are something else. I can't wait to see who he picks to actually be president of this country." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Kanye West met with Donald Trump at Trump Tower today. No word on what they interrupted each other about." –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush told reporters today that he does not think Russia 'influenced' the election. And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it's Jeb Bush." –Seth Meyers

"Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been named Donald Trump's pick for secretary of energy. And I have to say, he is the most qualified candidate from that particular season of 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Seth Meyers

"Rudy Giuliani said today that he had 'too much going on' to accept a cabinet appointment from Donald Trump. Added Giuliani, 'These pigeons aren't gonna yell at themselves!'" –Seth Meyers

"This morning, the president-elect met at Trump Tower with Kanye West. You can tell it was a high-powered meeting because Kanye wore his formal sweat suit." –Stephen Colbert

"Obviously, it's a security risk gathering the two most powerful American narcissists in the same room. Just for security reasons, they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government." –Stephen Colbert

"Today Donald Trump chose Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobil CEO, as his secretary of state. I assume from now on, all gas stations are official U.S. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim." –Stephen Colbert

"Tillerson is an interesting pick. For one thing, he's an oil main who believes in climate change. Well, of course he believes in it! He's from Exxon — he INVENTED it. It's pride of ownership. It's his baby!" –Stephen Colbert

Dec. 12, 2016

"According to The Washington Post, the CIA found that Russia interfered in the election to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Experts say this is the biggest scandal America's faced for decades, and the biggest scandal Trump's faced since Friday." –Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, Russia faced several obstacles in helping Trump win — namely Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that Donald Trump has been meeting with Mark Burnett, the creator of 'The Apprentice,' to plan next month's inauguration ceremony. If Omarosa swears this guy in, I'm moving back to England." –James Corden

"Is the whole thing going to be reality show-themed? Instead of Trump putting his hand on the Bible, the chief justice of the Supreme Court is just going to hand him a rose." –James Corden

"I understand to get to the White House he won an 'Amazing Race.' Out of the dozens of candidates, Trump was the 'Survivor.' Even though, according to the popular vote, he was 'The Biggest Loser.' But this is 'The Real World.'" –James Corden

"Trump may be a populist, but we don't need this type of 'American Idol' worship. America is facing real problems, and we need to give all the people of this nation a voice — no, 'THE Voice.' Not just to your daughter Ivanka, or Donald Jr., her 'Big Brother.'

That's why, Donald Trump, I have three words for you: 'RuPaul's Drag Race.'" –James Corden

"In other news, a restaurant just opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. It's called Trump Fish, and it's a fish restaurant with an unauthorized Donald Trump logo. They stole Trump's face and name. Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone." –James Corden

"The CIA says they believe that Russian hackers interfered with our elections, specifically to help Donald Trump win. But Trump says that's ridiculous — there's no way to know if the hackers were from Russia or China or some guy sitting on a bed someplace." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nonetheless, a bipartisan group, including Republican Sens. John McCain and Mitch McConnell, are calling for an investigation, and Trump does not like that at all. He refuses to point a finger at Russia. Why would he? He'll be up for re-election in four years, he might need them again." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people are saying we should vote all over again. Which, this election, is like the killer in a horror movie — just when you think it's over, he pops up in the back seat, it's going to get you again." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow." –Seth Meyers

"Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid recently said in an interview that Donald Trump is 'not as bad as I thought he would be.' Geez buddy, how low were your expectations?" –Seth Meyers

"Harry Reid is the guy that gets a rat in his bucket at KFC and says, 'Well, they're trying their best.'" –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton gave a speech last week criticizing the epidemic of fake news being spread … or maybe she didn't." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 8, 2016

"For his secretary of labor, President-elect Trump has picked an executive from the fast food restaurants Carl's Jr. and Hardee's. Afterwards, Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach." –Conan O'Brien

"Everyone's OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California's prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said she cannot take a position in the Trump administration because she has four young children. She said, 'This would mean taking care of one more.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton made her first public appearance on Capitol Hill since that whole election thing today. She was in town to honor outgoing Nevada Sen. Harry Reid and, what an impression. She showed up in black leather from head to toe, like Olivia Newton-John in the final scene of 'Grease.' Incredible." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump this weekend will give his first Sunday morning news interview since the election, and it's a big sacrifice for him because Sunday morning is usually when he tweets about 'Saturday Night Live.'" –Seth Meyers

"During Trump's Sunday morning news interview, he is expected to discuss the agenda for his first 100 days in office. Trump was like, 'Wait, I have to be president for a hundred days?'" –Seth Meyers

"Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that Donald Trump is a huge Elton John fan. 'That can be cured,' said Mike Pence." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump's team is reportedly desperate for an A-list celebrity to perform at his inauguration, with one official saying they can 'do better than Kid Rock.' Besides, Kid Rock is going to be too busy with his new job as secretary of state." –Seth Meyers

"Check one's calendar because right now we are 43 days from the inauguration, and Donald Trump continues to fill out his Cabinet. Watching Trump pick these people is like watching your Nana get a sponge bath — you know it has to be done, but it's upsetting." –Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday, Trump named Scott Pruitt, Oklahoma attorney general and sworn enemy of the EPA, to be the head of the — what's the word? — the EPA. I would change my phone number, or else he's going to get some pretty angry calls from himself." –Stephen Colbert

"There is a trend of Trump appointing people to head things they're against. I'm looking forward to Surgeon General Joe Camel." –Stephen Colbert

"So, what kind of EPA head will Pruitt be? Well, he's repeatedly explained that he thinks the states are in the best position to regulate local industries. Makes sense. If Missouri dumps chemicals into the Mississippi River, they just tell those chemicals, 'Remember,

Dec. 7, 2016

"Donald Trump said he has asked President Obama to help recommend some of his appointments. Obama said fine, and recommended Hillary Clinton for president." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. When he found out, Trump said, 'That's all I ever really wanted,' and then he quit public life, never to be heard from again." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has warned the media to stop spreading false information. Or as the media reported it, 'World's Top Rabbi Says 'Keep Up the Good Work!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump was named Time magazine's 2016 Person of the Year this morning. While Hillary Clinton was named runner-up. And when she heard, Hillary hiked so far into the woods, she's now living with Bran Stark." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump is reportedly considering arriving at his inauguration by helicopter, and so is Chris Christie. 'Take me with you! I can't go back to New Jersey!'" –Seth Meyers

"Former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski said today that Donald Trump's presidency will make it OK for people to say 'Merry Christmas' again. Corey, we've always been allowed to say 'Merry Christmas,' it's just no one says it to you." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said today that he doesn't believe that Russia interfered with his election in any way. Well, technically all he said was, 'Nyet.'" –Seth Meyers

"Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news, and just after the nick of time." –Seth Meyers

"On the 'Today' show this morning, Time magazine announced that Donald Trump is the Person of the Year. Then Al Roker said, 'Now let's check out the protests happening in YOUR neck of the woods!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that Trump will be getting a Goldendoodle puppy when he takes office. To teach it how to beg and roll over, they actually brought in Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"A real estate agency that sells apartments inside Trump Tower is advertising the new 24-hour presence of Secret Service agents as a, quote, 'new amenity.' While they're advertising the eggs that hit your windows as 'free grocery delivery.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Chinese state media called Donald Trump a 'diplomatic rookie' who has an 'inability to keep his mouth shut.' Or as Trump reported it, 'They just called me young and outgoing! Thank you CHY-na!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ladies and gentlemen, he did it. He won again. Donald Trump has just been named Time magazine's Person of the Year for 2016. The shocking thing about this is that Time magazine thinks Trump is a person." –James Corden

"The editors of Time magazine voted to make Donald Trump Person of the Year, although to be fair, 2.7 million more editors voted for Hillary Clinton, but the editors from Florida get more votes than editors from Rhode Island. It's complicated." –James Corden

"Time's Person of the Year is quite an honor, unless you are named in the year when Zika broke out; the Earth was the hottest it has ever been; Muhammad Ali, Prince, and David Bowie died; Syria exploded; Brexit happened; and oh, Donald Trump was elected president. Congratulations! You are the face of the worst year ever." –James Corden

"Time magazine has named their Person of the Year. It's none other than President-elect Donald Trump. He is the Person of the Year. Which is a big deal because this might be one of our last years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump won in spite of losing in Time's online poll to Hillary Clinton. Can she win anything? Really, Hillary's now just hoping to win a mug that says 'World's Best Grandma.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I do want to distinguish, it doesn't necessarily mean BEST Person of the Year, it's just Person of the Year, although don't tell Donald Trump that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the people of the year include Gandhi, Stalin, Churchill, Nixon, Putin, Obama, and Hitler. So Trump is definitely fitting in there — you decide where he fits in for yourself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So anyway, congratulations to Donald Trump, and to the photographer who got him to sit still and not tweet for 30 seconds. That's the guy who should be Person of the Year this year." –Jimmy Kimmel

Dec. 6, 2016

"The finalists for Time's Person of the Year include Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Mark Zuckerberg, Vladimir Putin, and Beyoncé. Putin was like, 'Most of group is weak. But even I cannot compete with Queen Bey!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Joe Biden said he's not completely ruling out running for president in 2020, and even said 'what the hell.' When asked what his campaign slogan would be, Biden said, 'I just told you — 'what the hell.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House just announced a new program to teach computer science to more American schoolchildren. They say if it goes well, one day America will be able to hack its OWN election." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended the New York Jets game at MetLife Stadium, where the Jets lost 41-10. Pence heard so much booing, he thought he was seeing 'Hamilton' again." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple's patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, 'It's clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, only 19% of New Jersey residents approve of their governor, Chris Christie. And they're all restaurant owners." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has yet to pick a secretary of state. Right now it's between Mitt Romney and a guy spinning a sign in front of a 'we buy gold' shop." –Conan O'Brien

"This week, Donald Trump is going to North Carolina, Iowa, and Michigan — all states that voted for him — for his 'Thank You' tour. Then, he comes here to California for the 'You're Dead to Me' tour." –Conan O'Brien

"Does Trump think Twitter is like Siri for the presidency? 'Twitter: Cancel plane order! Twitter: Appoint someone secretary of state! Twitter: [Tick] off the Chinese for me!'" –James Corden

"Vice President Joe Biden said yesterday that he may run for office in 2020 telling reporters, 'What the hell, man.' I don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but we already elected 'what-the-hell man.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump is reportedly considering a fast-food CEO for labor secretary. 'Oh, I'm not the Burger King,' said Newt Gingrich." –Seth Meyers

"Today in 1884, the Washington Monument was completed, and if George Washington were here today to see it he would probably say, 'That looks nothing like me.'" –Seth Meyers

"House Speaker Paul Ryan lit the Capitol Christmas tree today. It's the first time anything involving Paul Ryan could be described as lit." –Seth Meyers

"The Cleveland Cavaliers have announced that nearly half of their players will not stay at a Trump hotel in New York out of protest. And just to drive the point home, they're going to stay in the woods with Hillary Clinton." –Seth Meyers

"Gov. Chris Christie currently has a 19 percent approval rating in New Jersey. The only thing less popular in New Jersey is the top button." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 5, 2016

"Al Gore met with Donald Trump today to discuss climate change. They probably talked about how climate change could lead to massive floods in places like New York City. Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The other big news is that Trump appointed Ben Carson as his secretary of Housing and Urban Development. That means Trump talked with Ben Carson and Al Gore in the same day, which is kind of like popping an Ambien before you watch the Weather Channel." –Jimmy Fallon

"Meanwhile, Trump announced that the CEO of Disney will be advising his transition team. Thanks to him, Trump won't have to build a wall anymore. He'll just charge so much for admission that nobody will want to come in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is still trying to decide who to nominate for secretary of State. He's reportedly considering David Petraeus, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, John Bolton, and Jon Huntsman. Apparently, Trump is taking them all on a group date tonight, and one of them gets to join him in the fantasy suite." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, 'The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is reportedly considering two Democrats for his cabinet. That's right — and those Democrats are Donald Trump from 1996 and Donald Trump from 2004."

"The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It's a big win for Native Americans — and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even." –James Corden

"Protesters from all over the country have gathered there. I would like to imagine the guy who was late and just got there today, like, 'I'm here, how can I help? We did it? Yeah!'" –James Corden

"The Native American people who have been protesting announced that their fight is far from over, but for now, hippies with guitars can stop coming to help them." –James Corden

"This is kind of a blow to the oil executives, who say they plan to regroup, re-plan, and look for alternate ways to ruin our environment. So we look forward to that." –James Corden

"Donald Trump has announced another Cabinet position. Dr. Ben Carson, who ran against him in the primary, has been nominated for secretary of Housing and Urban Development. I just get the feeling that Trump heard the word 'urban' and immediately decided, 'Who do I know who's black?'" –James Corden

"Trump actually first announced this in a tweet, and it becomes official as soon as Congress retweets it. I think that's how the U.S. government works nowadays." –James Corden

"Congratulations are in order for Dr. Ben Carson. Do you remember him? President-elect Donald Trump picked him to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Which is going to be quite a surprise when he finally wakes up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ben Carson, in case you don't know, is a former neurosurgeon with no experience in Housing or Urban Development. This is the first time the phrase 'Well, it's not brain surgery' is actually a bad thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why would he get this job? He's a medical doctor. I feel like Donald Trump just heard the word 'urban' and nominated the first black friend he had." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump's been busy assembling his Cabinet. His nominees are all pretty out there. As of today, the least-controversial person in his Cabinet is a guy named 'Mad Dog.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump began his post-election victory tour last week. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton has wandered so far into the woods she found the Blair Witch." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump reportedly invited the leader of the Philippines to the White House next year despite the fact that he previously told President Barack Obama to go to hell. Obama was like, 'Oh, I'm already there. I'm already there.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump has nominated Ben Carson to be his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, or HUD. Incidentally, 'hud' is the sound that Ben Carson made when he heard the news. 'Ben, Donald Trump is on the phone.' 'Hud?'" –Seth Meyers

"Ben Carson has accepted Donald Trump's offer to be secretary of Housing and Urban Development, despite previously saying he did not feel qualified to lead a governmental department. But he changed his mind because he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night." –Seth Meyers

"A recent poll found that 58 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump will try to work with Democrats. Oh, Russia has Democrats? I didn't know." –Seth Meyers

Dec. 1, 2016

"Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin to be his secretary of Veterans Affairs. Palin says she's great at helping veterans. John McCain was like, 'Wrong.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Jill Stein officially requested a hand recount of 4.8 million ballots in Michigan, but Donald Trump says he's going to fight it, by shouting out other numbers while they're trying to count." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is a true story: For his secretary of defense, Donald Trump has chosen a retired Marine general whose nickname is Mad Dog. So sleep well, America!" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that President-elect Trump has chosen four-star Gen. James Mattis for secretary of defense. When Trump was told the general had four stars, he said, 'Wow, that's a great Yelp review.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney is being mocked by many Republicans for going to a fancy French dinner with Donald Trump. It's also not helping that afterwards, Romney let Trump get to third base." –Conan O'Brien

"The cereal company Kellogg's pulled their advertising from the conservative alt-right website Breitbart News and its readers responded by calling for a boycott of all Kellogg's products. That's right: The culture wars have now reached cereal." –James Corden

"Breitbart News received a lot of criticism for running questionable news stories during the election. So basically Breitbart counts as real news in the same way that Apple Jacks counts as real fruit." –James Corden

"Kellogg's pulled their ads because they say Breitbart promotes discrimination. It really isn't a surprise that Kellogg's would be sensitive about this. The mascots of one of their best-selling cereals are three male elves that all live together.' –James Corden

"With roughly seven weeks until he takes office, President-elect Donald Trump still has a few things he's researching. Needs to figure out, like, 'What does a president do?'" –Stephen Colbert

"And now we know he knows it's not going to be that easy, because Trump surrogate and flesh snowman Newt Gingrich recently told USA Today that he talked to Trump about his new responsibilities as president and, according to Gingrich, Trump said, 'This is really a bigger job than I thought.'" –Stephen Colbert

"What do you know? Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment." –Stephen Colbert

"The bad news is, starting Jan. 20, Donald Trump can send unlockable mass text messages to the entire nation. Yes, President Trump will be able to send text messages to every phone in the nation. The only person I would trust less with this technology is Anthony Weiner." –Stephen Colbert

Nov. 30, 2016

"The Obamas just had the White House decorated for their final Christmas before they leave. They want to make it look nice for Santa, since he's not coming back for at least four years." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump and Mitt Romney were spotted having dinner here New York last night, and everyone's talking about Romney's expression. It got even worse when the spaghetti came and Trump said, 'Ever see 'Lady and the Tramp'?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, 'Don't I get credit for anything?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Donald Trump had his third top secret intelligence briefing. If you'd like to know the details, just check Trump's Twitter feed." –Conan O'Brien

"At their dinner together, President-elect Donald Trump and Mitt Romney dined on sautéed frogs legs. I don't know about you, but eating frogs legs with Donald Trump sounds like someone lost a bet." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Donald Trump sat down to dinner with Mitt Romney at Jean-Georges French restaurant in the Trump International Hotel, because nothing says 'man of the people' like eating an $800 dinner in a tower you named after yourself." –James Corden

"If you are wondering what was on the dinner menu, Romney started by eating his words. Then for the main course he swallowed his pride, dignity, and self-esteem." –James Corden

"Trump and Romney last night were dining at a four-star French restaurant called Jean-Georges. Sounds fancy, but Jean-Georges could be French for 'Waffle House.'" –Stephen Colbert

"And they were joined by Reince Priebus, who is Trump's chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. 'Would you care to start with some priebus? It has been lightly reince'd.'" –Stephen Colbert

"The billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sautéed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents." –Stephen Colbert

Nov. 28, 2016

"Today is cyber Monday, which means tomorrow is 'Russia has your credit card info Tuesday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump went on Twitter yesterday to claim that he actually won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of illegal voters and that any recount will change nothing. Speaking of nothing changing, Trump won and still says the election was rigged." –Jimmy Fallon

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"The secret service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of trump tower, forcing taxpayers to pay $3 million in rent back to trump's company. Trump said that is absolutely not true and the rent is $4 million." –Jimmy Fallon

"The secret service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of trump tower, forcing taxpayers to pay $3 million in rent back to trump's company. Trump said that is absolutely not true and the rent is $4 million." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump was seen wearing a hat that says '45' on the side, signifying that he will be the 45th president. Or the total number of days before he quits being president. He's like, 'It's been fun — it's been a fun month and a half. You take it from here, Pence.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, you promised.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is giving key positions in his cabinet to people who were loyal to him early on. So congratulations, Defense Secretary Scott Baio!" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on Election Day. Then someone told Trump it's not illegal for women to vote." –Conan O'Brien

Nov. 22, 2016

"A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, 'Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Right now, the focus is on who Trump will appoint to his cabinet. In fact, C-SPAN aired a live feed of the elevators at Trump Tower that captured potential cabinet members going up to meet him. It even caught the moment when Ted Cruz was approaching the elevator and everyone inside frantically hit the 'door close' button." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, was being interviewed yesterday and said she's 'very confident' that Trump isn't breaking any laws during his transition. Then Americans were like, 'Uh . . . we weren't even suspicious until you said that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it's that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well." –James Corden

"The Dow Jones industrial average topped 19,000 today for the first time. When they heard that, Americans everywhere nodded in approval as if they actually know what the Dow Jones industrial average is." –James Corden

"According to reports, incoming White House chief of staff Reince Priebus tried to get Donald Trump to cancel today's meeting with The New York Times because Trump could face questions he wasn't prepared to answer. It's the same reason he canceled yesterday's meeting with Highlights Magazine." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama today awarded 21 people with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Said Obama, 'You're free! Quick, go before he sees you!'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said this afternoon that he was 'surprised' one of his top picks for secretary of defense is not in favor of waterboarding. Man, you think you know somebody. And then they turn out to be a decent human being." –Seth Meyers

"When asked this afternoon if he reads The New York Times, Donald Trump told reporters, quote, 'I do read it. Unfortunately. I'd live about 20 years longer if I didn't.' 'Got your paper, sir!' said Mike Pence." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 21, 2016

"Donald Trump claimed that he decided to settle the Trump University lawsuits so he could focus on running the country. Then he went back to tweeting insults at the cast of 'Hamilton.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President-elect Mike Pence went to see 'Hamilton' over the weekend, and was booed by people in the audience when he entered the theater. And if the crowd wasn't mad enough already, Pence waited until a quiet scene to open up a bag of Skittles. –Jimmy Fallon

"Mike Pence got a rude greeting when he attended the musical 'Hamilton' over the weekend. He was booed going to his seat and the cast addressed him directly at the end of the show. And this looks bad for Pence. I mean when the theater kid picks on you, you know you truly are the least popular kid in school." –James Corden

"Many Trump supporters called for a boycott of the show telling people you can't go to see 'Hamilton.' To which 2,000 freezing tourists in line for tickets say, 'Yeah, we know.'" –James Corden

"The New York Times reports that Trump's wife Melania and 10-year-old son Barron will stay in Trump Tower instead of moving to the White House in January. Apparently Melania doesn't want to pull Barron out of school, and when she was asked about it she was like, 'Yeah, yeah, it's because of Barron's school. That is why I don't want to live with Donald.'" –James Corden

"After the cast of Broadway's 'Hamilton' addressed Vice President-elect Mike Pence following a show this weekend, Donald Trump demanded they apologize and tweeted, 'The Theater must always be a safe and special place.' To which Muslims replied, 'Two tickets to the theater, please!'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump spent the weekend at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. 'Fore!' yelled Trump at a random woman he saw." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 17, 2106

"Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows up on his first day of work and Trump goes, 'I said 'Tom Cruise.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, 'I'm eager to discuss the issues facing our nation.' While Biden said, 'If you tell the waiter it's your birthday, you get a free piece of cake.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ricky Martin announced that he is engaged to his boyfriend, who happens to be Syrian. Ricky got down on one knee and said, 'Will you help me make Donald Trump's head explode?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During President Obama's visit to Greece yesterday, huge anti-Obama protests broke out. However, Obama was able to quiet down the crowd by saying, 'Wait till you see the next guy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ben from 'The Bachelor' has called off his wedding. Apparently, Donald Trump wants to interview him for secretary of defense." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was the American Cancer Society's Great American Smokeout event, which encourages people to stop smoking and help their loved ones do the same. That's right, quit smoking a week after Trump was elected. Good luck with that." –James Corden

"Donald Trump today had his first official meeting with a foreign leader as president-elect. He met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in New York. The meeting actually got off to a rocky start. Trump asked the prime minister if he could teach him how to do the crane kick from 'Karate Kid.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton was in our nation's capital last night. She confessed there were times in the past week she just wanted to curl up and never leave the house again. That's when Bill stepped in and said, 'Oh, yes, she will.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the end of the speech, Clinton said America is still the greatest country in the world — and then she got on a plane and flew to Sweden, where she will live out her remaining days on Earth." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump is planning a victory tour of the states he won. He's planning on holding a series of rallies starting sometime after Thanksgiving. Maybe this is where he reveals it was all a prank." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton made her first appearance since the election last night and told the crowd, 'There had been a few times this past week when all I wanted to do is just to curl up with a good book or our dogs and never leave the house again.' Oh, sure, NOW you're relatable." –Seth Meyers

"Vice president-elect Mike Pence was seen today using a selfie stick while posing with a group of House Republicans. Of course, right after using the selfie stick, Pence had to go to confession." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new report, Donald Trump's transition team still has not contacted the Pentagon. Apparently, they can't find that shape on the phone. 'I'm having no luck here. I've called Triangle like 50 times. They keep putting me through to Square. Square said he was Circle.'" –Seth Meyers

"Trump's transition continues its transitioning. Don't know a lot about what's going on, but I do know that his team has not yet called the Pentagon, possibly because he knows more than the generals. Or maybe he's never going to call them. He'll just launch a literal tweet war: '@Pentagon, please bomb Syria. #LyingNewYorkTimes.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Trump doesn't even believe in the existence of global warming, having tweeted: 'The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive,' and calling global warming 'very expensive BS.' Of course, 'Very Expensive BS' is also the motto for Trump University. "–Stephen Colbert

"Chinese officials have responded to Trump's accusation with a strongly-worded statement, and I'm going to read this in the original Mandarin: 'Nuh-uh.' I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly." –Stephen Colbert

"They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, 'whatever the circumstances.' Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven't, because it's hidden behind their air." –Stephen Colbert

Nov. 16, 2106

"President Obama was in Greece yesterday to meet with the Greek prime minister. Yep, Obama went to the birthplace of democracy to say, 'Spoiler alert!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama began his final foreign trip in Athens, Greece, while back in the White House Joe Biden held his final toga party as vice president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Donald Trump and Mike Pence reportedly received their first presidential daily briefing of sensitive national intelligence. Or as Trump asked Putin, 'Do you prefer email or fax?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in Greece today and he visited the ancient Greek Acropolis. Obama said, 'I wanted to get used to seeing a once-great democracy in ruins.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Experts say one of the biggest threats facing Donald Trump's presidency could be North Korea. Evidently, Kim Jong Un is so incompetent and unstable, they're worried Trump will give him a Cabinet post." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said the transition is going well and he has spoken to 'many foreign leaders.' Then someone had to explain to Trump that Barack Obama is not a 'foreign leader.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Donald Trump is in the process of building his Cabinet right now and it's going to be a solid gold Cabinet full of all the finest snacks. This is kind of nutty. One of the names on Trump's short list for attorney general is Senator Ted Cruz. Who, of course, was Trump's bitter rival on the campaign trail. This is going to be like if Tupac hired Biggie to be his head of security." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of Donald Trump's potential attorneys general is reportedly already working on a plan to make Muslims register with the government. Does anyone see a problem with that, or do you 'Nazi?'" –Seth Meyers

"Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together this afternoon. And just to [tick] him off, Biden told the waiter it was their anniversary." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, almost 60 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump should compromise with Democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the Mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain?" –Seth Meyers

"The mayor of London said recently that if people based in the U.S. want to escape Donald Trump's administration, quote, 'London is open.' Said Melania, 'Taxi!'" –Seth Meyers

Nov. 15, 2016

"President Obama actually said yesterday that if things get better under President Trump, he'll be the first to congratulate him. Well, technically, he'll be the second because Trump will congratulate himself first." –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that Donald Trump doesn't want to live at the White House full-time. He's thinking about commuting from New York City. It's all part of Trump's plan to make America great again, and to make traffic in New York City worse than ever." Jimmy Fallon

"Trump apparently wants to commute to Washington, D.C., by helicopter. Trump asked the pilot if he's got those radio headphones so they can talk to each other in the air and the pilot was like, 'Nope.'" Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump has reportedly asked for his adult children to get top-level security clearance so that they can see classified documents and explain them to him. Trump is trying to get top-secret security clearance for his kids, which explains why today Vladimir Putin asked Trump to adopt him." Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to run for president. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'It hasn't been this tense around my house since … well, you know…'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has announced that as president, he'll take a salary of $1 a year. And he promises he'll earn every penny." –Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Trump tweeted that he would have won the popular vote if he had campaigned more in New York, Florida, and California. Trump explained, 'I just got tired and ran out of terrible things to say.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced this week that, after meeting with Donald Trump, he plans to spend more time with his successor than presidents typically do in order to help ease the transition. When asked how long he thought the transition would take, President Obama said, 'Four years.'" –James Corden

"Obama is going to walk Trump's team through all this. So, basically, Obama is going to be going around the White House saying, 'OK, now hit control-c. OK, now hit 'P' to print.'" –James Corden

"It was reported that Trump's team was unaware that they needed to replace the entire West Wing staff. Trump's team basically thought the White House was like a Best Buy that occasionally gets a new store manager." –James Corden

"Former President George W. Bush announced that he and his wife, Laura, went to an animal shelter last week and welcomed their new dog, Freddy, into their family. Yeah, apparently even the Bush family needed an emotional support dog after that election." –James Corden

"Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly told Donald Trump that he isn't interested in serving in the Trump administration. And just like at the debates if his name is called, he won't answer." –Seth Meyers

"High school students across the country walked out of class today in protest of Donald Trump. Which is weird, since he's living proof that you can do none of your homework and still become president." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 14, 2016

"Last night, on '60 Minutes,' Donald Trump gave his first TV interview since being elected — and get this, he said that he will only take $1 a year as president. All part of Trump's unending commitment to never pay taxes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump said that he would not accept the standard $400,000 salary that presidents get. That story again: Trump made his first deal as president-elect and lost almost $400,000." –Jimmy Fallon

"After Donald Trump met with President Obama, Trump seemed surprised by the scope of the president's duties. Trump said, 'Who knew?' And Hillary was like, 'I did.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"During the interview last night on '60 Minutes,' Donald Trump said, 'I'm a very sober person.' After hearing this, half of America said, 'So were we, until last Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's children are helping him transition to the White House. Right now 10-year-old Barron Trump is interviewing the next head of the NSA." –Conan O'Brien

"On '60 Minutes' last night, Donald Trump said he wishes his campaign's tone had been 'nicer' and more 'on policy.' Trump said, 'But then, I would have lost.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump has stated he wants to make it easier to sue journalists. He also wants to use the Second Amendment to shoot the First Amendment." –Conan O'Brien

"Rumors are circulating that Donald Trump has been telling his advisers that he plans to spend his weekends in his Trump Tower penthouse in New York City instead of the White House. I don't think that's what voters meant when they said they wanted a Washington outsider." –James Corden

"If he does decide to live in Trump Tower, presidential historians tell us this is the first time a sitting president will be living above a Niketown." –James Corden

"I love that Trump thinks he can just take off back to New York. Just imagine Trump on a Friday afternoon at the White House asking his national security adviser, 'Hey, you think this ISIS briefing will be over by 6:00? It's just I've got a thing.'" –James Corden

"When Hillary Clinton found out Trump wasn't planning on staying in the White House on weekends, she was like, 'Since you're not going to be there… '" –James Corden

"President Obama held a press conference today, his first since the election. At which every one of the reporters asked him about Donald Trump. A few of them tried to get Obama to say something insulting about Trump but he didn't bite, he was very diplomatic. He says he hopes Donald Trump makes things better, plans to do everything he can to help them. In other words, 'Good luck, dummies, I'm out of here!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, protests continue across the United States. This afternoon a group of student protesters for some reason decided to storm a local mall. It got a little bit crazy. The good news is this is the first time in almost five years that anyone under the age 21 has been to a mall. Good for Orange Julius, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a '60 Minutes' interview, Trump said going forward, he will be 'very restrained' on Twitter and Facebook. So, the interview was taped Friday, and then on Sunday — two days later — he went on a tirade against The New York Times on Twitter. But he didn't use all caps! Baby steps. It's something, right? Lowercase." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During an interview yesterday, Donald Trump told his supporters not to harass Latinos and Muslims. 'Uh-oh,' said black people." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump told supporters last night not to harass Latinos and Muslims, saying, 'I will say right to the cameras, 'Stop it'' — and then he winked so hard his wig unsnapped." –Seth Meyers

"According to The New York Times, Donald Trump wants to continue holding large rallies after he takes office — and Hillary Clinton wants to continue hiking deeper and deeper into the woods." –Seth Meyers

"A new study revealed that having a pint of beer every day can help prevent strokes and heart disease — so this one is on me, Justice Ginsburg. Keep going." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 10, 2016

"It was a busy day today at the White House with President Obama hosting NBA champions the Cleveland Cavaliers, as well as President-elect Donald Trump. It actually got a little awkward when Trump walked up to LeBron James and said, 'Nice to meet you, Mr. President.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"While President Obama met with Donald Trump, Michelle Obama met privately with Melania Trump. Michelle said, 'It's a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.' Melania said, 'It is a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"So, Michelle actually had a nice time showing Melania around, although it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said, 'Wow, what a lovely closet.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's talk that Donald Trump may appoint Sarah Palin as secretary of the interior, which means she would oversee the National Park Service. When they heard that, bears were like, 'Well, we had a good run.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Later, the market went down when Trump announced he's getting rid of Obamacare. The market went up when Trump simply assured everyone that he replaced it with 'something terrific.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump will be the first U.S. president ever to have appeared in an ad for Pizza Hut. In fact, some pundits are predicting Trump will run in 2020 against Flo from Progressive." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are admitting that it's weird to say 'President-elect Trump.' It's especially weird for me because 'President-elect Trump' happens to be my safe word." –Conan O'Brien

"Melania Trump's home country, Slovenia, is said to be 'very proud' of her. Then Slovenia admitted, 'We really don't have a lot going on.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been 48 hours since the election — I'm happy to report the healing has begun. I just unblocked three family members on Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"A man is suing Donald Trump for $1 billion, claiming the campaign caused him 'emotional distress.' That man's name is Billy Bush." –Conan O'Brien

"Some analysts say a Donald Trump presidency could cripple the future of legalized marijuana. And to make matters worse, once it's crippled, Trump will make fun of it." –Conan O'Brien

"So many people protested the results of the election. I saw some tweets that said this election is a total sham and a travesty, the Electoral College is a disaster, and we should wage revolution. The surprising part — this was all from Donald Trump's Twitter feed after the 2012 election. So technically, all of those Trump protesters actually agree with Trump. See, we're already coming together." –James Corden

"It was another interesting day in America today. The transfer of power has already begun at the White House this morning. President Obama sat down with President-elect Trump, but Trump did a funny thing. He came in and said, 'You're fired.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first time they met. They never met before. That must have been so strange. 'Sasha, Malia, come down, meet the man who questioned Daddy's citizenship for the last eight years.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"They were to meet for 15 minutes, but it was 90 minutes. Trump had questions for Obama, like 'How the hell do I get out of this?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"They were besieged by reporters in the Oval Office at which point the president offered Mr. Trump unsolicited advice for dealing with the press. [plays clip of Obama] 'Thank you, everybody. We're not — we are not going to be taking any questions. [To Trump] This is a good rule — don't answer any questions when they're yelling at you.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"While their husbands were talking, the first lady met with soon-to-be first lady Melania Trump. Michelle said, 'Welcome to the White House, Mrs. Trump.' And Melania said, 'Welcome to the White House, Mrs. Trump.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Joe Biden got together with incoming Vice President Mike Pence. Biden went over the primary responsibilities of being vice president, which are: not falling asleep at the State of the Union address . . . and that's about it. So they covered that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"While our leaders try to make the best of this, millions of Americans were very unhappy about how this election played out. Thousands of protesters took to the streets last night in Chicago, New York, here in L.A., a number of cities. It's somewhat refreshing to see people angry in real life instead of just on Facebook, isn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a busy bay at the White House. In addition to the Trumps, they welcomed the Cleveland Cavaliers to be honored for winning the NBA title this year. It happened to be on the same day. There was one awkward moment when LeBron James grabbed the basketball to sign it — turned out top Donald Trump's head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama and Donald Trump met at the White House today, where they discussed foreign and domestic policy. You know, things like which one is which." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump visited President Obama in the White House today, which got Trump really excited to do his favorite thing: evict a black family from their home." –Seth Meyers

"Newt Gingrich said in an interview yesterday that would he like to serve as chief planner for Donald Trump's administration. But first, before starting his new job, though, he must finish up his contract at the Keebler tree." –Seth Meyers

"Bernie Sanders told reporters yesterday that he is prepared to work with Donald Trump. But then he warned Trump, 'I keep the office hot and I don't clean up my pistachios.'" –Seth Meyers

"Trump is now receiving the classified daily intelligence briefing known as 'the book,' making it the only book he owns that doesn't have his picture on it." –Stephen Colbert

"Today, the transfer of power began when President Obama hosted Trump at the White House for the most surprising remake of 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Can you imagine how awkward that meeting was? The first African-American president sitting down with a president-elect who was endorsed by the Klan? A guy who spent five years, created his political career, demanding Obama prove where he was born, then denying he did it." –Stephen Colbert

"What did they talk about? What was the tour like? 'All right, Donald, this is the Blue Room, this is the Red Room, and down the hall is the office I said you were fundamentally unfit for. Library's downstairs.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Of course, Trump wasn't alone. Melania was there for a private meeting with Michelle Obama, to ensure the peaceful transition of speeches." –Stephen Colbert

Nov. 9, 2016

"Donald Trump is gonna be president. Republicans hope he’ll keep his promise to build the wall, and Democrats hope he’ll keep his promise not to accept the election results." –Jimmy Fallon

"After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. He said he couldn’t have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half . . . FBI Director James Comey." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama called Donald Trump last night to congratulate him, and even invited him to the White House for a meeting tomorrow. Of course, it was hard to understand Obama, ’cuz at the time he was chewing 80 pieces of Nicorette." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump also received congratulations from Russian President Vladimir Putin. They spent two minutes on the phone discussing politics, then an hour saying, 'No YOU hang up!' 'No YOU hang up first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I read that polls may have been off because the shift to cellphones made it harder to collect data from people. Then Hillary said, 'They seemed to have a pretty easy time collecting data from MY phone!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Two things happened last night: Donald Trump got elected president, and my job just got easier for the next four years." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Donald Trump was elected president. The first thing I did this morning was call my old high school bully and congratulate him." –Conan O'Brien

"For the millions who are disappointed for Hillary, remember, America has a special place for people who lose. Ironically, it’s the cast of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

"People who voted for Trump are happy today. People who voted for Hillary are disappointed. But listen, no matter who you voted for, the important thing is you all got stickers." –James Corden

"It was a weird night to be watching the news. If you were flipping around, every news anchor on every channel was just going, 'uhhh,' and then going to commercial." –James Corden

"When Hillary found out she lost she conceded with grace and dignity. When Gary Johnson found out he lost he was like, 'Wait, the election was yesterday?'" –James Corden

"I had the weirdest, weirdest dream last night. Remember that guy who used to host “The Apprentice”? I dreamed we elected him president." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night Donald Trump reached out and grabbed America by the . . . Virginia." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As the evening went on and the results came in, every anchor looked like a child slowly realizing that no one was showing up to his birthday party." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary underperformed among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, and young voters. Really the only place she did very well was among pollsters." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, 'No, he didn’t!'" –Seth Meyers

"President Obama congratulated Donald Trump in a speech today and reminded the country that we 'are all on the same team.' It’s just that now, half of us are on defense." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama has invited Donald Trump to the White House on Thursday to discuss transition plans. And Trump is pretty nervous, he’s never been to a black man’s house before." –Seth Meyers

"Apple began selling refurbished iPhones in its online store yesterday. Which is good news for the 40 million people who smashed their screens last night." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 7, 2016

"The election is finally here and tomorrow, people who cast their vote will receive one of those 'I Voted' stickers. Actually, with such a crazy election, they’re going with a different sticker this year: 'So, That Happened.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The New York Times reported that people running Donald Trump’s campaign have blocked him from using Twitter. More accurately, they’ve switched his phone with a calculator, and he still hasn’t noticed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sources say that Trump is already finalizing his cabinet in case he wins tomorrow. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall." –Jimmy Fallon

"Out of the 100 largest newspapers in America, Hillary has been endorsed by 57, while Trump has only been endorsed by two. The most shocking part of that story is that America still has 100 newspapers." –Jimmy Fallon

"In less than 24 hours the election will be over. Right now, Hillary has the edge and Trump supporters are threatening that if she wins, there might be a revolution. Americans these days can’t get nine guys to show up for softball every Thursday night, do you think they’re going to be signing up for a revolt?" –James Corden

"They’re going to be like, 'Ah, I can’t do Wednesday, I’ve got a parent-teacher conference Wednesday. Can we move the revolt to the weekend?' 'I can’t, the kids have got judo. They’re doing so well.'" –James Corden

"One thing helping Hillary is the fact that FBI Director James Comey told Congress on Sunday that his latest probe into her emails still found no evidence of wrongdoing. This is a complete reversal of the bombshell letter he sent last week. It makes Director Comey look really bad; in fact, now at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list is a new FBI director. This investigation of Clinton’s emails was built up to be this huge game-changer and in the end there was nothing to it. It was basically the Apple Watch of scandals." –James Corden

"The early voting results are in and on Saturday, Nickelodeon announced the winner of its Kids Pick the President initiative. This is an event where school kids vote, and the majority were overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton. Nickelodeon may have voted for Hillary, but we need to find out what Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel say before we can call it a lock." –James Corden

"Tomorrow we will elect either Biff from “Back to the Future” or one of the robots from 'Westworld.' You will decide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on Election Day. People used to get drunk like St. Patrick’s Day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that from happening. I think this is the year to bring that tradition back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If there’s one thing that we learned from this election, it’s that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use Facebook; that was a mistake." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There’s been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. Whoever wins, I want us to all promise one thing: Let’s never do this again." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We tried democracy, I think we proved we're not mature enough to handle it, we can’t do this. Let’s go back to only caring about pet videos." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In other words, stand in line and then take that 'I Voted' sticker and put it right over your lips. We don’t want to hear about it anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In less than 24 hours the election will be over. The race for the White House in 2020 will begin in two months, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow is Election Day, so it’s time to finally decide. Are you with her, or are you with the FBI, Vladimir Putin, the KKK and Scott Baio?" –Seth Meyers

"It’s finally Election Day, which means CNN’s countdown clock starts all over again." –Seth Meyers

"The final polls from the major news outlets show Hillary Clinton with anywhere between a 4- and 6-point lead, or as The Huffington Post reported it, 'a 46-point lead!'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump was rushed off the stage at a rally over the weekend after someone in the crowd yelled, 'Gun,' which is surprising because I just assumed that’s how people at Trump rallies greeted each other. 'Gun!' 'And gun to you, good sir!' 'A good gun to us all!'" –Seth Meyers

"According to the New York Times, Donald Trump’s press aides have revoked access to his Twitter account in the final days before the election. They changed his password to something he would never guess: 'ILoveWomenOver40." –Seth Meyers

"Trump’s aides have taken away his Twitter but don’t worry, he is still tearing it up on Yelp." –Seth Meyers

"In Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton held a huge rally in front of Independence Hall with Bruce Springsteen. Bruce talked about global warming and trade policy. Hillary, as always, closed with 'Thunder Road.'" –Stephen Colbert

"This weekend, aides to Donald Trump have finally wrested away his Twitter account. What?! You can’t take away Trump’s Twitter account! That’s like taking away Batman’s utility belt! All you’re left with is a billionaire with anger issues. He’s got none of his tools!" –Stephen Colbert

"Trump based his whole campaign on that Twitter account. What’s he going to do now? Write messages in bronzer on bedsheets and hang them out the window of Trump Tower?" –Stephen Colbert

"Twitter is Trump’s lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that Donald Trump does not use a computer. No computer at all. He even files his taxes the old-fashioned way — not." –Stephen Colbert

Nov. 3, 2016

"Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs, who won their first World Series in 108 years. When asked how it was to witness history, Cubs fans said, 'I don’t remember.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They mentioned the tarp used during last night’s rain delay was once a poncho worn by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

"Another big story is that Cubs team president Theo Epstein has now ended World Series droughts for both the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. Now, he’s going to take on his toughest job yet, president of RadioShack." –Jimmy Fallon

"Theo Epstein said last night that he’s going on a month-long bender to celebrate. Hillary Clinton was like, 'If you can wait five more days, I’ll join you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ted Cruz wants to make America great again. Remember the guy everyone wanted to punch in the face? He campaigned on behalf of Trump today, a man who insulted his wife and his father and his face. Back then Ted Cruz called Trump a sniveling coward, but at a rally with Mike Pence today, he told the crowd he believes Donald Trump is the sniveling coward this country needs right now. Clearly, the man has no principles whatsoever." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So the Indians lost last night. While other minorities will find out if they lost on Tuesday." –Seth Meyers

"Authorities are investigating why an official FBI Twitter account, that have been dormant for over a year, suddenly posted several tweets praising Donald Trump. Oh, you don’t know why? Well, take your time. I won’t 'Russia.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump will reportedly hold a small gathering on election night instead of a large celebration, because he is superstitious. Oh, sorry, I read that wrong, 'super racist.'" –Seth Meyers

"Former KKK leader David Duke told reporters today that if he’s elected to the Senate, he would be Donald Trump’s most loyal advocate. When asked what he’d do if Trump loses, Duke said, 'I'll burn that cross when we come to it." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are neck-and-neck in New Hampshire, while Chris Christie isn’t even neck." –Seth Meyers

Nov. 2, 2016

"A new poll finds that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a statistical tie just a week from Election Day. But on the bright side, at least Trump's finally in a tie that was made in America." –Jimmy Fallon

"Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have run national commercials during the World Series games, marking the only time Cubs and Indians fans were booing at the same time." –Jimmy Fallon

"What an insane week this is. The Cubs may win the World Series, Donald Trump may be elected president, and the whitest man in America is on stage at the Apollo! It's officially the end of days, ladies and gentlemen. This was prophesied in the Bible." –Conan O'Brien

"The rumor now is that there's a Donald Trump sex tape. Yes! In response, Trump is saying, 'Vote for me or I'll release it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton." –Conan O'Brien

"But, you know, Trump voters—really? Not even the guy who says he wants to f**k his daughter? This is not a deal-breaker for you? I mean, what does it take? A racist, a liar, a tax cheat, a draft-dodger, a deadbeat, a Russian agent, and a rapist. You know we’re a nuclear power, right? These are red flags.” —Bill Maher

"No matter what side you're on, people are stressed about what's about to happen after the election. In fact, things have gotten so crazy that Joe Walsh, a former Republican congressman, tweeted: 'On Nov. 8, I'm voting for Trump. On Nov. 9, if Trump loses, I'm grabbing my musket.' To be honest, it is just nice to hear a Republican saying is he going to grab something that's not part of a woman." –James Corden

"Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password." –Seth Meyers

A recent study found that always letting children win games in competitions could damage their ability to learn. Which is scary, because we're six days away from letting the biggest child win the biggest game." –Seth Meyers on Trump

"In anticipation of her victory, Hillary Clinton has reportedly planned a fireworks show over the Hudson River for election night. Oh god, remember how excited she got over balloons? What's she going to do if she sees fireworks?" –Seth Meyers

"It looks like the FBI is trying to hurt Hillary's campaign, which has a lot of people upset. Mostly Russia. That's THEIR gig." –Stephen Colbert

Nov. 1, 2016

"Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns. Twelve women have accused him of sexual assault, and he’s going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media is talking about is emails. It’s like if during the O.J. trial, everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration." –Seth Meyers

"While hosting their final White House Halloween party yesterday, first lady Michelle Obama actually told the kids, 'Hey! Candy for everybody!' Then Barack looked around and was like, 'OK, who's that in the Michelle Obama costume?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The election is just one week from today. So I guess in one week, we'll know if Donald Trump is our next president — or if Hillary Clinton rigged the election." –Jimmy Fallon

"A memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, 'Oh my God, I forgot it was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it's not CHINA?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The 2016 presidential election is in exactly one week! One weak Republican, and one weak Democrat." –Seth Meyers

"That's right, there's exactly one week until Election Day, and this is probably a bad sign, but that's where the calendar just stops." –Seth Meyers

"Ted Cruz posted a photo on Twitter last night of himself dressed as the Phantom of the Opera for Halloween. Said trick-or-treaters, 'Aggh! We can still see half your face!'" –Seth Meyers

"Mark one's calendar because Election Day is but one week away. Seven days. Enough time to tell your family you love them and make your peace with God. As the captain of the 'Titanic' once said, 'This is not a drill.'" –Stephen Colbert

"The polls are tightening. The latest ABC News/ Washington Post poll has Donald Trump moving ahead of Hillary Clinton by one point as enthusiasm declines. Though, to be fair, any time Trump gets close to a woman, enthusiasm tends to decline." –Stephen Colbert

"For the first time in their 111-year history, Variety has endorsed a presidential candidate — Hillary Clinton. That's right, the magazine named Variety said, 'Let's have a second President Clinton!'" –Stephen Colbert

"Democratic contributor Donna Brazile has resigned from CNN after WikiLeaks revealed she leaked a primary debate question to the Clinton campaign. Turns out the question was about lead poisoning in Flint, Michigan. So, finally, someone lost their job over Flint." –Stephen Colbert

See Also:
Funniest Trump Memes
Funniest Ted Cruz Memes
Funniest Hillary Memes
Funniest Bernie Sanders Memes
Funniest GOP Primary Memes

Oct. 31, 2016

"These Hillary email scandals brought Anthony Weiner back into the news. Here's a question nobody is asking. Anthony Weiner is Jewish, right? Right? So, does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Weiner?" –Jimmy Fallon

"It makes sense on the weekend of Halloween that Donald Trump's campaign comes back from the dead for one final scare." –James Corden

"On Friday, FBI Director James Comey sent a letter to Republican lawmakers saying he has found new emails that may be involved in the Hillary Clinton email scandal and that the FBI plans to investigate. Donald Trump has been caught on tape admitting he gropes women and yet the election has turned back to emails." –James Corden

"The emails the FBI are investigating actually came from the computer of Anthony Weiner. Anthony Weiner is, of course, the politician who was disgraced for sending naked pictures to, well, just about everyone. Of course a Weiner was going to get in the way of the first female president in the White House." –James Corden

"On Sunday night, Trump supporters started using the hashtag 'Hillary for Prison,' but they were adding an extra 'I' so it read hashtag 'Hillary for Prision.' They thought that the correct spelling was being blocked by Twitter." –James Corden

"The thing is, nobody who wants Hillary to go to jail can even describe to you why she should have to go there.

They're like, 'because, you know, there was the email thing and — hashtag prision, man.' Which makes me thing that these people are 'mor-ions.'" –James Corden

"According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall.

So basically, Reese's got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary's private email server came back from the dead." –Seth Meyers

"There are just eight days left until the election. So if anyone's still thinking of running, now's the time." –Seth Meyers

"After claiming the election is rigged, Donald Trump said at a rally last week that the country should, quote, 'Just cancel the election and give it to Trump.' And then on Friday, FBI director James Comey said, 'OK.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump told supporters last night that Hillary Clinton wants to bring 650 million immigrants into the United States within one week of taking office. Whereas if he wins, Canada gets 150 million immigrants." –Seth Meyers

"NASA's early-warning asteroid intruder alert system spotted an asteroid as it passed by Earth last night, and I think I speak for all of us when I say, 'Come back, asteroid!'" –Seth Meyers

"A Trump supporter was arrested in Iowa last week for in-person voter fraud after she attempted to vote twice. She said the first vote was to make America great. And the second one was to make America great again." –Seth Meyers

"The FBI found the emails while investigating illicit messages sent to an underage girl by Clinton aide Huma Abedin's estranged husband and es-strange guy Anthony Weiner. Apparently, they found them while searching his laptop. Dear God, I hope they used gloves." –Stephen Colbert

"This October surprise comes right as Secretary Clinton was riding high in the polls in the wake of sexual assault accusations against Donald Trump. Truly, for the Clinton campaign, horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away." –Stephen Colbert

Oct. 26, 2016

"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 years old today — while Donald Trump said, 'The media is reporting that today is Hillary's birthday, but a lot of people are telling me that it's actually MY birthday. Rigged!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary's press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday.

It was really fun — you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her 'surprised' face." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary went to a fundraiser here in New York City that was attended by Stevie Wonder. And even Stevie was like, 'Let me guess — loud pantsuit?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out 'Trump!' to signal an audible during Sunday's game. Manning said actually 'Trump' is a signal for 'Illegal Use of Hands.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy." –Conan O'Brien

"Today is a special day, today is Hillary Clinton's birthday. You could email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks." –Conan O'Brien

"We would be remiss if we didn't start off by wishing Hillary Clinton a happy birthday. It must be tough being a close friend of Hillary. I mean, no matter what you get Hillary Clinton for her birthday, it will never be as good as the gift Billy Bush gave her." –James Corden

"Hillary's birthday party is just like any other birthday party except when people yell 'speech, speech,' she charges them $250,000." –James Corden

"Donald Trump was on the Herman Cain radio show yesterday criticizing, of all things, wind. He said he's against wind turbines because they're killing eagles and thousands of other birds. Like Bob Seger, he's against the wind." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I happen to know why Donald Trump is against wind power and I'll tell you, it's not because it kills birds. Donald Trump is against wind because of what it does to his hair." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Hillary has said that she likes the term first gentleman. She hasn't been able to say it without laughing but she likes the term." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie.

If I had a vote I would go with the first lady's man." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump's running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent." –Seth Meyers

"Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News' Megyn Kelly of being 'fascinated with sex' by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there's a difference between being 'fascinated by sex' and being 'horrified by sexual assault.' It's kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men." –Seth Meyers

"We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the Trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking." –Stephen Colbert

"Trump's surrogates are doing just what the passengers on the 'Titanic' did — remaining calm on the ship and talking about how great it is." –Stephen Colbert

"Last night, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. First off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If you're not, there's a pill for that now." –Stephen Colbert

"But the thing is, Megyn 'Kelly File' isn't talking about fun-time, bedroom whoopee-making. She's talking about assault. Wait, unless Newt doesn't know the difference? Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, let's do this: 'Newt, sweetheart, you're growing up so fast. In fact, you're 73. Your body's changing.'" –Stephen Colbert

Oct. 25, 2017

"Donald Trump's running mate, Mike Pence, threw a baseball to reporters today with a note saying that he's rooting for the Cubs. And then the reporters turned the ball over and the other side said, 'Help!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump's campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he's somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, The New York Times published a giant list of everyone and everything Trump has insulted on Twitter since declaring his candidacy. Then they had to print a correction today after Donald Trump insulted the list itself." –Jimmy Fallon

"Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they'd be married." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances." –Conan O'Brien

"It's come out that Donald Trump has spent a large portion of his campaign donations buying copies of his own book, 'The Art of the Deal.' Trump supporters are angry that he misused their money, and even angrier that he bought a book." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the biggest night for Major League Baseball in a very long time. Not your usual World Series. Tonight from Cleveland, game one between the Indians and the Cubs. Two perennial losers. Neither the Cubs nor Indians have won the World Series since two months before Jesus was born." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A political science professor at SUNY Stony Brook claims he has developed a new mathematical model that predicts Donald Trump will win the election. Said Trump, 'Mathematical model? She sounds ugly. Hard pass.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump today criticized some of his Republican primary opponents for refusing to endorse him, saying, quote, 'I don't know how they live with themselves.' Said his opponents, 'We don't. We live with our wives.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump's new Facebook Live show and said Trump 'unequivocally' will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There's a NEW often-wrong news channel in town!" –Seth Meyers

"The government just announced that next year [Obamacare] premiums are going up by 25 percent. I haven't seen Obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans." –Stephen Colbert

"And the next president clearly will have to come in and clean up this mess. Unless it's Trump, in which case, all healthcare will be replaced by a 'Dr. Oz' episode about calf implants." –Stephen Colbert

"WikiLeaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton campaign, because they're committed to transparency — or however you say 'transparency' in Russian. Transparenchnik." –Stephen Colbert

Oct. 24, 2016

"I want to say congratulations to the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians, who are set to play each other in the World Series! Or as voters put it, 'Finally – a crazy match-up we can actually ENJOY!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, a massive cyber-attack brought down several websites for 11 hours, including Twitter. Experts say it was the best thing to happen to Donald Trump's campaign in weeks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Donald Trump, his son Eric was out on the campaign trail, and a lot of people online noticed that Eric was photographed at an In-N-Out Burger holding a free water cup that was filled with lemonade. While the employee who gave it to him said, 'That wasn't lemonade.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the weekend in Gettysburg, Donald Trump told a crowd that as soon as the election ends he will sue the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. It's being called 'the second greatest Gettysburg Address in history.'" –Conan O'Brien

"On Friday, a cyber-attack shut down Amazon, CNN, and Twitter. Apparently, the cyber-terrorists shut down Amazon first, then Amazon suggested they may also like CNN and Twitter." –Conan O'Brien

"During a campaign event at a Florida pumpkin patch, Donald Trump met with pumpkin farmers. There was an awkward moment when one of the pumpkin farmers tried to carve Trump's head." –Conan O'Brien

"Hillary's voters are now more excited to vote for Hillary than Trump voters are to vote for Trump. Which is crazy because getting excited about Hillary is like getting excited about taking your car in for an oil change. It's not fun, but the alternative is your car bursting into flames." –James Corden

"I can't imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump, but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republican, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I've no idea where he lost people." –James Corden

"Trump has received his first and only endorsement from a major newspaper — the Las Vegas Review-Journal said that Trump does not represent the danger his critics claim. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement. That's like a restaurant review that says this place probably won't even give you food poisoning." –James Corden

"Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted this weekend that Donald Trump is trailing Hillary Clinton. Said Conway, 'No, literally, he's trailing her.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said at a rally this weekend that Hillary Clinton was exhausted and weak after the debates. Yeah, probably because you kept sniffing all the oxygen out of the room." –Seth Meyers

"Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama last week said that this year's election is like Dante's 'Inferno.' Well that's fine, as long as it doesn't turn into a disco inferno." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 20, 2016

"The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn't know you could do that. I didn't know you could just not accept things. If that's the case, I've decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition." –James Corden

"Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he 'will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election — if I win!' So in other words, no. No, right?" –James Corden

"At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because 'Celebrity Apprentice' never won one. Which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn't grabbed." –James Corden

"Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some 'bad hombres' here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood." –James Corden

"'Bad hombres' doesn't sound like drug dealers. 'Bad hombres' sounds like what TGI Friday's would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter." –James Corden

"'Bad hombres' sounds like the Spanish-language version of 'Grumpy Old Men.' 'Bad hombres' sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland." –James Corden

"'Bad hombres' sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. 'Bad hombres' sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of 'Cops.'" –James Corden

"Last night from Las Vegas, 'Trump vs. Clinton 3' — and just like that, we're one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their TV." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in a time machine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to run for Pope." –Jimmy Kimmel

"So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump's tiny, whining, loser hands?" –Stephen Colbert

"Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here's what she said about her tax plans: 'We are going to go where the money is.' And she knows where the money is. It's where she gives her speeches." –Stephen Colbert

Oct. 18, 2016

"Yesterday Trump's devoted wife Melania gave an interview to Anderson Cooper where she defended Donald, saying that Billy Bush basically manipulated her husband into saying those things. Because if there's one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do." –James Corden

"Melania was standing by her husband. Well, actually she stands behind him. Otherwise he'll try to grab her you-know-where." –James Corden

"Responding to accusations of harassment, Melania said that she's seen many women try to slip Trump their phone numbers. Much like how Melania tried slipping Anderson Cooper a piece of paper that said 'Please rescue me, my life is a prison.'" –James Corden

"This week, Ringling Brothers Circus is launching a new campaign titled 'The circus wants the circus back,' because they're tired of people referring to the election as a 'circus,' saying it casts a negative light on their profession. You know the election is bad when the bearded lady and lizard-man are like, 'I can't be associated with this freak show.'" –James Corden

"Every four years Scholastic News Magazine sponsors a mock election where kids from all over the country cast a vote for president. The results have been correct in every election since 1964 and this year Hillary Clinton won in a landslide; she beat Trump 52-35. The other 13 percent voted for SpongeBob." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course Trump took to Twitter to express his frustration. 'Children are fat and disgusting.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Spending at Trump-brand properties is said to be down more than 16 percent from last year. New reports say travelers have been canceling vacations at Trump resorts and avoiding restaurants on Trump properties. Good news, sales of red baseball caps are through the roof." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Every day, we get another revelation about Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we're going to need WikiDepends." –Stephen Colbert

"The latest is a list of the vice presidents Hillary Clinton was considering. It includes political superstars like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, and Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Also in this WikiLeaks-released list are business leaders like Apple CEO Tim Cook and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Apparently, Hillary decided against Schultz because the race already had one pumpkin-spiced candidate." –Stephen Colbert

"It's been 11 days since we heard Donald Trump on the Grope-Town Express, and a lot of people have distanced themselves from Donald Trump — at least one arm's length." –Stephen Colbert

"Last night, Melania explained who she really blames for Donald Trump's behavior. Yes, it was all Billy Bush's fault. Now I know why they were on a bus — it's easier to throw Billy underneath it." –Stephen Colbert

Oct. 17, 2016

"Donald Trump is telling his supporters the voter turnout will be manipulated by the Democrats on November 8th. Then again, this is coming from the guy who said, 'Make sure you get out and vote November 28th.'" –James Corden

"No matter what happens on November 8th, or the 28th, or whenever the election is happening, Trump apparently has a contingency plan — because now it seems Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner is in talks to create a Trump media network. Could you imagine Trump being on your TV 24 hours a day? That would be like — well, it would be like right now." –James Corden

"It means Billy Bush is going to be back on TV in no time." –James Corden

"This will probably be a news network. Trump News: It's for people who love the news but feel like it's not being yelled at them loud enough." –James Corden

"Donald Trump, you really have to hand it to him, I don't think I've been this interested in a show since the first season of 'Lost.' Every week, a completely new twist. We've gone from Mexicans to Muslims, little hands to Lyin' Ted, Megyn Kelly to Melania's speech, Crooked Hillary's health to Billy Bush's bus. Now he's saying the election is rigged, even though it hasn't happened yet." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of 'he said' and 'she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The election continues to be insane. Ever since the tape of the Billy Bush Locker Bus came out, Trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting Donald Trump." –Stephen Colbert

"Donald Trump tweeted that the 'election is absolutely rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked Hillary — but also at many polling places. Sad!' Yes, even at polling places, the election is being rigged against Trump. I heard that on Nov. 8th, millions of 'riggers' will be behind curtains in private booths, and with a secret ballot, collude to defeat Trump." –Stephen Colbert

"Trump has tweeted multiple times about the media rigging the election, and he's right. From day one, the media rigged this election — in favor of Donald Trump. You can't turn on the TV without seeing Trump. He's like the Geico gecko, but more cartoonish." –Stephen Colbert

"On Saturday, Trump said that Hillary might be using drugs to help her performance in the debates. Remember what she said about her debate strategy: 'When they go low, we get high.'" –Stephen Colbert

See Also:
Funniest Trump Memes
Funniest Ted Cruz Memes
Funniest Hillary Memes
Funniest Bernie Sanders Memes
Funniest GOP Primary Memes

Oct. 14, 2016

"Hillary Clinton's campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That's right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, 'Ugh, I guess...'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump said that he wants to 'give back to the country' he loves. Then people were like, 'There's always that OTHER way to give back to your country — Pay your taxes!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The final debate will take place next week in Las Vegas. So, Trump insisted that everything that happens there stays there." –Jimmy Fallon

Oct. 13, 2016

"The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary's holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, 'Yeesh, what does the loser get?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"But the best email that's been leaked so far claims that Hillary met with rapper Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. The big takeaway for Hillary: Whatever you do, don't try to rap." –Jimmy Fallon

"I guess the meeting with Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterwards, she actually came up with some rapper names for herself.

First, she tried Lil' Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. And finally, she tried Wiz Deleeta." –Jimmy Fallon

"I got a personal email from Mr. Donald J. Trump who offered me an exclusive Trump Presidential Black Card. For a one-time initiation fee of $35, you can get a card that has no benefits or rewards whatsoever.

A black card? Is this how he's reaching out to the black community, with the card?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"How did Donald Trump get my email address? I bet the Russians had something to do it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's also a Trump Gold Card. That's $49. So you can get the elite Black Card for $35, or the even less exclusive Trump Gold Card for $14 more. There's finally a card that's more embarrassing to carry than Discover." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We are 25 days away from the election and Donald Trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately with them, touching, etc., including a reporter from People magazine and former pageant winner. Which is very bad news for his campaign. The good news is, he just got an offer to be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding. –Jimmy Kimmel

"After that 'Access Hollywood' tape came out, a number of prominent Republicans called for Trump to drop out. But now, because of the pressure from the 'Trump-ublican' base, some of those who denounced him say they're still planning to vote for him. They essentially un-unendorsed him so as not to anger those who might vote for them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This is putting a lot of Republicans running for re-election in a tough spot.

If they support him, they lose a lot of moderates, but if they don't, they lose the rest. It's like they found themselves in a 'Saw' movie just before Halloween." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump spoke at a campaign event in Florida today where he once again said Hillary Clinton should be locked up. Well, Donald, if it's any consolation, it looks like the election is locked up." –Seth Meyers

"During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will 'be their worst nightmare.' Oh, wow, so he's also running for president of ISIS?J" –Seth Meyers

"President Obama has only 100 days left in office. Obama was like, 'I just can't wait to get home to Kenya.'" –Seth Meyers

Oct. 12, 2016

"Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and 'stop pussyfooting around.' That's the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, 'I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.'" –Seth Meyers

"Trump denied the (groping) allegations, calling them 'ludicrous' at a rally today.

But here's the problem for Trump: There's very good reason to believe he did what he's accused of. Why? Because an irrefutable, inside source told us so: Donald Trump. Donald Trump is his own Deep Throat. He's Creep Throat." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump told supporters last night to go out and vote on November 28th, when Election Day is actually November 8th. Unless November 8th is just a lie being spread by the liberal media." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump, last night, criticized Republicans who are dropping support for his campaign, saying, 'I wouldn't want to be in a foxhole with a lot of these people.' Trump made the comment while talking to everyone's favorite foxhole, Bill O'Reilly." –Seth Meyers

"Today was Yom Kippur, or as Gary Johnson calls it, 'The capital of Thailand?'" –Seth Meyers

"Former House Speaker John Boehner says he still plans on voting for Trump even though he said, 'Donald wasn't my first choice, wasn't my second choice, for that matter he wasn't my third choice.' 'Who was your fourth choice?' whispered Jeb." –Seth Meyers

"A former 'Apprentice' contestant says that Donald Trump didn't know the names of all the women on the show, and would describe them by their bodies and looks. When asked about it, Trump said, 'Which woman said that? Brown Hair/Lazy Eye or Blond Hair/Nose Job?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump just released a new TV ad attacking Hillary Clinton's health, with clips of her coughing. Which was effective till the end, when he says, 'I'm Donald Trump and I approve this message. (LONG SNIFF)'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, Al Gore campaigned for Hillary Clinton at a Florida rally attended by 1,600 people. Unfortunately for Gore, a recount showed that it was only 1,300 people." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is winding down his time in office. He's got less than 100 days left. But he's keeping busy, still pushing his agenda, he's working to fight climate change, he's shortening sentences for drug offenders, every night he goes down to the basement to visit Merrick Garland, his nominee for the Supreme Court." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The reason President Obama is working so hard up to the end is to avoid helping his wife pack the house; it's a pain in the [butt], and he wants no part of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some very prominent Republican donors are reported to be asking for their money back. Because if there's one thing Donald Trump is known for, it's giving money back." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Asking Donald Trump for your money back is like asking Chris Christie for a bite of his cheeseburger, it isn't going to happen. You'll have to pry it out of his cold, tiny hands." –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 11, 2016

"In a new MTV documentary with Macklemore, Obama says that when he was a teen he drank and did drugs, adding, 'I pretty much tried whatever was out there.' When asked what made him stop, Obama said, 'Stop?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy 41st wedding anniversary to Bill and Hillary Clinton! Yep, they celebrated with a quiet dinner. A really, REALLY quiet dinner. 'Did you say something?' 'No.' 'Good.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new national poll found that Democrats now have a significant lead over Republicans in the congressional races. Republicans said, 'And there's only one man to blame for this,' and Donald Trump said, 'Exactly: Billy Bush.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump is still under fire for the lewd and offensive tape that was released last week which he referred to as 'locker-room talk.' Well now pro athletes are speaking out against this, saying that's not how they speak in the locker room. While Tim Tebow said, 'I don't even like to say 'Billy Bush!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump lashed out at a number of Republicans on Twitter today, the ones who have been distancing themselves from him. He called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan a weak and ineffective leader. He called John McCain foul-mouthed. He also tweeted, 'It so is nice the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.' This is how he's been behaving with shackles ON?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"A number of cable news outlets called it a tweet storm. During this terrible tweet storm I think we should take a moment to acknowledge Donald Trump's thumbs because those chubby little baby carrots have been working so very hard lately, they're worn down to the nubs and I applaud them for doing so much work." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump tweeted earlier today, quote, 'It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.' What shackles are you talking about? The only thing that ever shackled you was the 140-character limit on Twitter." –Seth Meyers

"And NOW you're going to fight for America? Hey buddy, you're not Rosa Parks. You know how I know? People LIKED what Rosa Parks said on the bus. Huge difference." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton campaigned in Florida today with Al Gore. You're making Al Gore go back to Florida? That's so cruel. That's like making Joe Frazier go back to Manila." –Seth Meyers

"The Cleveland Indians yesterday completed their sweep of the Boston Red Sox and will move on in the ALCS. 'I hate the Indians,' said Donald Trump, who wasn't talking about baseball." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 10, 2016

"Last night was the presidential town hall debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and the audience was made up of undecided voters — or as they're also known, the worst people to be in line behind at Baskin-Robbins." –Jimmy Fallon

"A man in the audience asked Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to say one positive thing that they respect about each other. At this point, both candidates claimed their microphone was broken." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump later tried to downplay the comments, saying it was just locker-room banter. People didn't know what was crazier, his excuse or the idea that Trump's ever been to a gym." –Jimmy Fallon

"With the election just a month away, it seems like everyone's encouraging people to vote. In fact, I saw that last week, some politicians in Arizona took part in a voter registration event at a strip club. The politicians said the hardest part was pretending they had never met the strippers before." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook has a new 'secret conversations mode' that lets you automatically set messages to delete — or as Hillary put it, 'Like.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I was looking forward to the presidential debate last night; 67 million people watched Donald Versus Hillary 2. Rarely is a sequel better than the original but this definitely was." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Anyone who expected Donald Trump to reel it in was way off the mark. He was on fire. He promised that if he was president he'd throw Hillary in jail. He called her the devil — not A devil, THE devil. Which I think might have been his way of coming on to her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of post-debate analysis registered surprise that with all that was going on with Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton didn't definitively win the debate. The truth is you don't win a debate like that. You survive it. You board up the windows and you get in the basement. You curl up in a ball until it blows over. It's like a tornado." –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of the fascinating things that happened on Friday was, before the Billy Bush tape was released, all the news was about Hurricane Matthew. I thought Hurricane Matthew was going to come to California and get us, there was so much news." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The minute that tape came out, Hurricane Matthew just disappeared from television. The only channel that continued their round-the-clock coverage of the hurricane was Fox News because they didn't want to talk about the Trump tape. Even the Weather Channel was like, 'To hell with this, let's go with the Trump tape!'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"More than 1 million people lost power in their homes. The only person mentioning disaster on a national level was Donald Trump." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Washington Post on Friday leaked the behind-the-scenes 2005 video of Donald Trump chatting with Billy Bush on the 'Access Hollywood' bus. Trump was caught on tape telling Billy about the time he tried to have sex with 'Entertainment Tonight' reporter Nancy O'Dell. He says he took her furniture shopping. By the way, I want some follow-up, I want to know if that happened, and if it did, what did he buy her? A sizable item? A hutch or a dinette set? Are we talking ottoman?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"So, of course, people were outraged. Trump apologized, Billy Bush got suspended from his job. Poor Jeb Bush. Billy Bush is his cousin; he has to be thinking, 'Why in the hell didn't he release this tape a year ago?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"What a great time to be in Washington. The Nationals won yesterday. The Redskins won yesterday. And the Orange-skin lost." –Seth Meyers

"After a video surfaced of Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd sexual comments about women, NBC announced Bush would be suspended from the 'Today' show indefinitely. Bush could not be grabbed for comment." –Seth Meyers

"Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said this morning that 'Last night's debate was a good night for democracy.' But I think what she really meant was, 'Good night, democracy.'" –Seth Meyers

"After hearing Donald Trump's lewd comments about women, vice presidential nominee Mike Pence canceled a campaign event in New Jersey today. Even worse, he forgot to tell Chris Christie." –Seth Meyers

"During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton accused Donald Trump of being hateful and racist — before adding, 'Oh my God, he's right behind me, isn't he?'" –Seth Meyers

"Fox News' Geraldo Rivera said this weekend that he has additional embarrassing tapes of Donald Trump. And if Geraldo thinks they're embarrassing, you know it's bad." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 4, 2016

"Tonight is the debate between vice-presidential candidates Tim Kaine and Mike Pence. They're going to debate the economy, foreign policy, and which one of them is Tim Kaine and which one is Mike Pence." –Conan O'Brien

"During the final push of the election, Bill Clinton criticized Obamacare in a speech and said it's 'the craziest thing in the world.' It's all part of Bill's nationwide 'Not Helping' tour." –Conan O'Brien

"It's rumored that Donald Trump's tax returns were leaked by one of Trump's ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody." –Conan O'Brien

"It's come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, 'How was I supposed to know that something wasn't right with Jihadi Joe's Savings and Loan?'" –Conan O'Brien

"The first and only vice-presidential debate of this election season was held tonight, and it was pretty much the same as the debate I had with my wife about painting the foyer. 'Do we want eggshell or ivory?'" –Seth Meyers

"Eric Trump today defended his father's recent 3 a.m. Twitter rant about former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, telling reporters, 'At least my father is up at 3 o'clock in the morning.' Why do you think that's a good thing? You know who's up that early? People who are wondering where they went wrong with their son." –Seth Meyers

"The New York Times revealed today that Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they're constantly getting slapped out of his hands." –Seth Meyers

Oct. 3, 2016

"We're just four weeks away from Halloween: people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as that's also called, running for president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, LeBron James wrote an op-ed in which he endorsed Hillary Clinton. LeBron says he and Hillary are all about the same thing: taking forever to finally win something." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn't been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, 'Get out of the way if you want to live!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump's charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, 'I'd like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I'll funnel it through Donald Trump.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn't pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a 'genius.' They also say three marriages makes him a 'feminist,' so it kind of works out." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, a person or persons spray-painted graffiti all over Donald Trump's new Washington, D.C., hotel. Police have narrowed their list of suspects down to '50 percent of the country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Experts say LeBron's endorsement will help Hillary Clinton win in Ohio and lose in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial." –James Corden

"He lost a billion dollars. Right now, Gary Busey is like, 'Hold up, wait — didn't you fire me on 'Celebrity Apprentice' for losing the Snapple challenge?'" –James Corden

"Now, nobody knows where this leak has come from, but some are suggesting that the source of the leak was Trump's ex-wife Marla Maples, who leaked the taxes as revenge. Even Beyoncé was like, 'Now that is making lemonade.'" –James Corden

"These aren't the only leaked documents Trump has to worry about. Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is supposed to give a big announcement where he said he will release documents to hurt both nominees. People are calling it the 'October Surprise.' I don't like the name. I don't. October Surprise is the most ominous title we can give this?" –James Corden

"October Surprise doesn't sound sinister; it sounds like your aunt's recipe for a squash casserole. I added a little nutmeg!" –James Corden

"Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates. Americans replied, 'Wait, it's going to make us like them?'" –James Corden

"Assange was originally going to make this announcement from the balcony of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, but has since rescheduled it. I can't believe he rescheduled the October Surprise. You can't reschedule October Surprise, Julian. That's like me texting my wife saying, 'Hey, honey, your surprise birthday party has been moved to Saturday.'" –James Corden

"The big story is Donald Trump might not have paid any income tax since Xena: Warrior Princess went on the air." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times got its hands on a tax document from 1995, which shows Trump declared a $916 million loss that year which would have allowed him to avoid paying any income tax for 18 years. The documents were sent to the Times from inside Trump Tower. The trump campaign said the Times illegally obtained the documents and we all know how much Donald Trump hates hacking. So that's no good." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Trump campaign isn't denying the authenticity of the forms which is remarkable, considering the fact that they deny almost everything. This morning they denied Trump is running for president." –Jimmy Kimmel

"LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton over the weekend. Which Clinton says for her campaign is a real home run." –Seth Meyers

"Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will face-off tomorrow night in the only vice presidential debate of the election. The vice presidential debate is brought to you by white out." –Seth Meyers

"Are you guys excited for the VP debate tomorrow night? Yeah, no, you're not. No you're not. Nobody is." –Seth Meyers

"A new report has found that despite his recent string of gaffes, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson has four times as many newspaper endorsements as Donald Trump. So if you've got weed, he's got papers." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview this weekend, Joe Biden described his relationship with President Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when Obama forgets to pick him up from soccer practice." –Seth Meyers

"Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That's right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, 'The house always loses.'" –Stephen Colbert

"But here's the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than $50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. Well, when life gives you lemons, don't pay taxes." –Stephen Colbert

"Now, the idea that Trump hasn't paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with — what's the word — people. But according to the former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is." –Stephen Colbert

"Yes, only a genius can lose $1 billion running a casino. How loose were his slots? Tell you what, I like you, I'm going to comp everyone's room forever." –Stephen Colbert

"It's not like Donald Trump does his own taxes. He's not there doing the numbers. Shouldn't we really be voting for his accountant? Jack Mitnick. Something about the 'Mitt' that sounds so presidential." –Stephen Colbert

See Also:
Funniest Trump Memes
Funniest Ted Cruz Memes
Funniest Hillary Memes
Funniest Bernie Sanders Memes
Funniest GOP Primary Memes

Sept. 29, 2016

"Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter's second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more." –Jimmy Fallon

"While speaking to students at the University of New Hampshire yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, 'Isn't this one of the strangest elections you've ever seen?' And then college kids were like, 'Uh, we're 18.

It's the ONLY election we've ever seen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Bernie Sanders is also campaigning with Hillary. Yesterday, he asked a crowd at one of her rallies, 'Is everybody here ready to transform America?' Followed by his next question, 'Does anybody here remember where I parked?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, 'Oh, so you CAN hear us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, 'If anyone's going to abuse U.S. government computers, it's gonna be me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump's secretary of state." –Conan O'Brien

"Meanwhile, Donald Trump has a new scandal to deal with today.

According to Newsweek, in 1998 he spent $68,000 on a business venture in Cuba. Which was illegal because of the embargo. Trump, of course, denied the allegations. He said there's no such place as Cuba." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Remember when Mitt Romney almost had to drop out of the race because he put his dog on the top of the car?

They were simpler times." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump spoke at a rally yesterday and told supporters that Hillary Clinton's campaign is the most unserious campaign in American history. Unserious? This is the person you're calling unserious? [shows photo of frowning Hillary] She always looks like you just told her you wrecked her car." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview yesterday, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson was unable to name any world leaders when asked who his favorite head of state was. Wow. This might have cost him the election." –Seth Meyers

"America Online founder Steve Case endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. Although the last thing Hillary wants to hear is 'You've got mail.'" –Seth Meyers

"A woman in Washington, D.C., received 13,000 text messages after C-SPAN accidentally put up her phone number during their post-debate analysis. Replied C-SPAN, 'We have 13,000 viewers?'" –Seth Meyers

"We are still trying to figure out who won Monday's presidential debate. Democrats say Hillary won, while Republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates." –Stephen Colbert

"Secretary Clinton is still struggling with millennials. By the way, if you're not sure who millennials are, they're the ones who never use the term 'millennials.'" –Stephen Colbert

"A recent poll shows Clinton has the support of just 31 percent of likely voters under 35. So Hillary's doing everything she can to attract young people. That's why, for the first time since July, she appeared on the campaign trail this week with that millennial heart-throb, Bernie Sanders." –Stephen Colbert

"Bernie! They really like him. He really connects with millennials, because a lot of his clothes are also 18 to 30 years old." –Stephen Colbert

Sept. 28, 2016

"
There are now about six more weeks left in the election. And we know that because this morning, Trump's hair popped out and saw its shadow." –Jimmy Fallon

"The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, 'Why'd you have to do this in OUR town?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they're torturing themselves." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's upcoming South by South Lawn festival at the White House will have a virtual reality psychological experiment that makes you feel like you're in a small jail cell. Or as Obama calls it, 'the Oval Office.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, a group of Democratic senators sent a letter to Yahoo asking why they took so long to report the hack of 500 million users. That's how little faith they have in Yahoo email — they sent a LETTER." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They're trying to get millennials with the opening line, 'Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton's affairs. Hillary's not too worried, because the debate's only 90 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to 'cut taxes bigly.' Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he'll 'speak more goodly.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That's why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is 'hey, u up?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday's debate — this is a quote — 'I pretended I was talking to my family.' Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS." –Conan O'Brien

"According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump's wealth is down $800 million from last year. He's only worth $3.7 billion now, and I'll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it." –Jimmy Kimmel

"But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote.

The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here's the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options." –Jimmy Kimmel

"SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans yesterday to colonize Mars, saying the main requirement for early settlers would be that they are, quote 'ready to die.' Said Hillary, 'I'll let you know November 9th.'" –Seth Meyers

Sept. 26, 2016

"After tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over." –Seth Meyers

"Ahead of tonight’s debate, Hillary Clinton posted an article on Twitter pointing out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary was so prepared, my new nickname for her is Preparation H. Yeah, it’s a compliment. In the primaries, she already proved she could 'soothe the Bern.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump was furious and said, 'A billionaire reality star has no business being at a presidential debate.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Pundits are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino, and an openly gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.'" –Seth Meyers

"We all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats were divided between two strong emotions: panic and pants-crapping. Democrats have not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone." –Stephen Colbert

"Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder — on camera." –Stephen Colbert

"The debate was moderated by NBC’s Lester Holt, which makes sense since he hosted “Dateline” and is used to two rich white people who want to murder each other."  –Stephen Colbert

"There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, 'What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In addition to costumes, they also banned balloons and drones. Which explains why Trump uninvited Chris Christie and Ben Carson." –Jimmy Fallon

"The experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of competence, experience, wisdom, health, and vitality, without coming off as angry, bookish, or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his [genitals]." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Green Party candidate Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus this afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of tonight’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, 'Don’t you know who I am?' and they said, 'No. No one does.'" –Seth Meyers

Sept. 21, 2016

"It was announced that you'll be able to watch next week's debate on Twitter. So, finally a way to see Trump say something really crazy on Twitter." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw that on Monday Donald Trump met with the Egyptian president in New York City while he's in town for the U.N. General assembly. Trump said he's always felt connected to Egypt, mostly because Trump University was a huge pyramid scheme." –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn't recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, 'So what do you do?' Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, 'Nothing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, Donald Trump told an African-American audience, 'Black churches are the conscience of our country.' In response, the crowd said, 'Yes, that's why we're not voting for you.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump falsely claimed that NBC News anchor Lester Holt is a Democrat, when he's actually a registered Republican. In other words, Trump just alienated the one black guy who might have voted for him." –Conan O'Brien

"Fox News has forbidden Sean Hannity from appearing in any more campaign ads for Donald Trump. Fox said, 'We want to appear neutral while covering the race between Mr. Trump and that Sickly Lying Witch.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Two days ago, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were tied in Florida, but today she is up by five points. Of course, there's a margin of error... of Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama appeared before the U.N. General Assembly for the final time in his presidency to announce that the U.S. would be admitting 110,000 refugees in the coming year. Now the refugees will include people fleeing dangerous places like Syria, Libya, Florida..." –James Corden

"This might sound like a lot of people, 110,000 people are coming in, but you've got to remember millions will be fleeing if Trump is elected." –James Corden

"Obama announced this today, the day after a tweet by the Trump campaign comparing refugees to poisoned Skittles. Obama was basically like, 'It was going to be 100,000, but after your little Skittles tweet, it's now 110,000.'" –James Corden

"President Obama's half-brother, who lives in Kenya, told reporters this week that he will be voting for Donald Trump in the country's mock U.S. election. Oh, that's got to sting for Trump — an Obama wants to vote for him, but it's the one with the Kenyan birth certificate." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said at a campaign rally yesterday that he would put Syrian refugees in safe zones, and make Middle Eastern countries pay for them, adding, 'There's nothing like doing things with other people's money.' 'You said it, baby,' said Melania." –Seth Meyers

"Tomorrow is the first day of fall. I am so excited to watch Donald Trump change colors." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 19, 2016

"Hillary Clinton is here and today is my birthday! Later we're going to bring out a cake and let Hillary cough out the candles." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Last week Trump revealed his child care proposals, including a plan to guarantee six weeks of paid maternity leave. Mothers will get six weeks off, as long as their babies can produce their long-form birth certificates." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she's saying that last week's coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit." –Conan O'Brien

"Only 50 more days until the election. That's according to my calendar, The Book of Revelation." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, Martha Stewart said Donald Trump should not be president because he is 'totally unprepared.' Though to be fair, by Martha Stewart's standards, we're ALL unprepared." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump's running mate Mike Pence said that his role model for the vice presidency is Dick Cheney. To prove it, this weekend Pence had six heart attacks and shot his friend in the face." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump held a press conference Friday where he announced that he believes President Obama was born in the U.S. Said Trump, 'I hope that settles the issue. That Muslim was born here.'" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light." –Seth Meyers

"The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, 'Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.'" –Seth Meyers

Sept. 15, 2016

"We have Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on the show tonight, which means security is very tight. On their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's been a busy week for Trump. Earlier today, he appeared on 'Dr. Oz' and said that he wants to lose about 15 pounds. And his barber said, 'Hey, come by any time you like!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about these leaked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell. In one, he actually called Dick Cheney an idiot. Cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women's Health magazine. While next month she'll be featured in 'Bad Timing' magazine." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has announced that America will accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald Trump wins, they'll accept 110 million refugees." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump admitted to Dr. Oz that he is overweight, loves fast food, and doesn't exercise. In a related story, Trump just won Wisconsin." –Conan O'Brien

"During a campaign rally yesterday, Donald Trump said, 'You think Hillary Clinton could stand up here for an hour?' Then he debuted his new campaign slogan, 'I Can Stand Up for an Hour.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were 'unfair.' Of course it's understandable, most of us wither under the intense political grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine." –Conan O'Brien

"Ivanka Trump cut short an interview with Cosmo because of what she said was all the 'negativity.' Which is weird because all the interviewer said was, 'So, your dad is Donald Trump, right?'" –Conan O'Brien

"We've been hearing a lot recently about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. But there is finally another politician in the news, because former President George W. Bush announced today that he is releasing a book of his paintings." –James Corden

"Recent polling has shown that Hillary Clinton's lead over Donald Trump has almost totally disappeared and the candidates are basically tied. They're neck and neck. Well, for Hillary it's the neck. For Trump it's more like a gizzard thing." –James Corden

"This week a study was released by the World Health Organization showing that the United States is the third most depressing country in the world after India and China. When Americans heard the news they were like, 'Oh, we only got third?'" –James Corden

Sept. 14, 2016

"Donald Trump taped an appearance on 'Dr. Oz' today to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes fast food because, 'At least you know what they're putting in it.' Then workers at Taco Bell and Arby's said, 'You keep telling yourself that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump's childhood home in Queens is going up for auction next month. Apparently, the house has five bedrooms, or as Trump calls it, '20 walls.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The upcoming movie about President Barack Obama's college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. Or as the president calls him: 2017 Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that Donald Trump is now leading in Nevada. Which actually makes sense, since 50 percent of Nevada voters are also failed casino owners." –Conan O'Brien

"In newly leaked emails, former Secretary of State Colin Powell calls Hillary Clinton 'greedy,' and Donald Trump 'a disgrace,' and Dick Cheney an 'idiot.' In response, Americans everywhere said, 'Hey, three for three.'" Conan O'Brien

"In the leaked emails from Colin Powell, he calls Donald Trump 'a national disgrace.' Trump was furious and said, 'Hey, I'm an international disgrace.'" Conan O'Brien

"Today Republican candidate Donald Trump decided to clear the air and reveal the results of a recent physical, on 'The Dr. Oz Show.' Which is an interesting move. Like for Donald Trump, you know, sure, Dr. Oz is a respected doctor — you know, in the same way that Dr. Dre is a respected doctor." –James Corden

"If you think that a presidential candidate appearing on 'Dr. Oz' is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury Povich show and found out that he is not the father." –James Corden

"Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of all email charges by Judge Judy." –James Corden

"Donald Trump will appear on 'Dr. Oz' tomorrow, while his traditional doctor will appear on 'Law & Order SVU': 'I didn't know she took all of those pills!'" –Seth Meyers

"Hacked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell show he recently referred to Donald Trump as 'a national disgrace' and 'an international pariah.' Trump was like, 'Listen, I love Pariah. I have all of her albums. So that's a compliment to me.'" –Seth Meyers

"Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson took out a full-page ad in today's New York Times asking to be included in the first debate. Green Party candidate Jill Stein took a full-page ad out of The New York Times and folded it into a neat little hat." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 13, 2016

"Last night was the big season premiere of 'Dancing With the Stars.' And at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, 'They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Hillary tweeted to her supporters that like anyone who's ever been home sick from work, she's just anxious to get back out there. Then those people said, 'Nope, we're pretty happy just staying home and watching Netflix.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary's campaign workers that he's also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton revealed to Anderson Cooper that she has fainted 'a few times.' Of course, I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper." –Conan O'Brien

"A fistfight broke out at a Trump rally yesterday. Or, more accurately, a Trump rally broke out during a fistfight." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump will be going on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his health. He will then discuss his immigration plan with Dora the Explorer." –Conan O'Brien

"During last night's 'Dancing With the Stars,' two protesters rushed the stage during Ryan Lochte's performance. So finally, an assault on Ryan Lochte that really happened." –Conan O'Brien

"There's been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton's recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she's 'just anxious to get back out there.' That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don't want to go back to work. Nobody's in bed at 1 p.m. thinking, 'Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda's PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.'" –James Corden

"Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn't think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton?" –Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump is currently projected to have the necessary 270 Electoral College votes to clinch the election. So you know what that means — a dance off!" –Seth Meyers

"Newt Gingrich commented on Hillary Clinton's current health concerns last night, and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. Oh, but you'll trust Donald Trump's doctor? He looks like he got his medical license from a Dave & Buster's claw machine." –Seth Meyers

"Bill Clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about Hillary Clinton's health and said that she's almost certainly in better health than her opponent. I don't know, Trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins K, F, and C." –Seth Meyers

"It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump." –Stephen Colbert

"Most damaging of all may have been a remark she made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump's voters as a 'basket of deplorables.' Wow. Hillary should put her insults in 'the hamper of awkwardness.'" –Stephen Colbert

Sept. 12, 2016

"Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you're keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone's surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she's sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK." –Jimmy Fallon

"I guess Trump really does want her to get better, because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, 'Get well soon, you shrill, lying crook.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she's been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, 'Man, I wish.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After Hillary Clinton's health scare yesterday, Donald Trump has said he will release his medical records and he said he's expecting some 'very large numbers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend Hillary Clinton called half of Trump supporters a basket of deplorables. A basket of deplorables is not only an insult, but it's also the top-selling item at KFC." –James Corden

"While in New York Hillary became overheated and had to leave an event to receive medical attention. It turns out that she had been diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday. I mean this was a scary moment for Donald Trump because he was thinking, 'Oh God, I might actually have to be the president.'" –James Corden

"But today on Fox News Trump actually said, 'I just hope she gets well and gets back on the trail.' I mean forget Hillary, is Trump OK?" –James Corden

"Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of deplorables, which is also Trump's usual order at KFC. 'I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy.'" –Seth Meyers

"RNC Chairman Reince Priebus spoke out against Hillary Clinton's attack on Donald Trump's supporters and said, 'Clinton's comments show outright contempt for ordinary people.' Then again, so does the name Reince Priebus." –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, 'Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka.'" –Seth Meyers

"Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. 'Wait, you wanted me to save those?' said his doctor." –Seth Meyers

"Green Party candidate Jill Stein said on Sunday that she would not have assassinated Osama bin Laden, but instead would have captured him and brought him to trial. I would say that will hurt her poll numbers but she only has one." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 9, 2016

"Fashion Week is in full swing here in New York City. During one interview, Kendall Jenner made the comment that Hillary Clinton might look good in a jumpsuit. Then Hillary said, 'Well, hopefully they never find those emails or it'll be an orange jumpsuit.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin told Bloomberg Businessweek that Russia never interfered with the U.S. election and doesn't plan to. Putin was like, 'Trust me – it was hard enough rigging 'The Bachelorette.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night North Korea conducted what they claim was a successful test of their biggest nuclear warhead yet. So congrats to them. I'm glad they're finally figuring that out. Will someone please tell Kim Jong Un they like his new glasses and he looks like he lost weight so he doesn't kill everybody on the West Coast?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Don't worry, though. Donald Trump is going to take care of all of this. How do you fight crazy hair? With even crazier hair." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you saw this but some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is [shows photo] at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It looks like the first three minutes of a 'Girls Gone Wild' video. It represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before 'Celebrity Apprentice' — just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She ruined this for them. She took his wing man away." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said this week that Vladimir Putin has been a leader far more than our president has been a leader, and he's got a point. I mean, if President Obama was as strong a leader as Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump would be dead by now. That would be the difference." –Seth Meyers

"Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an interview this week that he doesn't feel it's his job to call out the candidates when they lie. 'Super!' said Hillary and Donald at the same time." –Seth Meyers

Sept. 8, 2016

"Last night was NBC's Commander-in-Chief Forum where Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump gave live back-to-back interviews about national security, and the candidates decided who would go first with a coin toss. But there was an awkward moment when Trump saw the coin, grabbed it, and put it in his pocket. 'So what? I didn't see a coin, what coin, what are you talking about?'" –James Corden

"In all seriousness Donald Trump called heads, but just in case he lost he also called the whole thing rigged." –James Corden

"The forum was hosted by 'Today Show' host Matt Lauer and a lot of people were very angry with his performance last night. Not Apple-losing-the-headphone-jack angry, but they were angry." –James Corden

"Much of the criticism stemmed from Lauer not pressing Trump when he lied or didn't answer questions. My question is, how did Matt Lauer even end up with this job? Was there a conversation at NBC like, 'You know who would be great for the presidential forum?' And they were like, 'Oh, the guy on 'The Today Show' who excitedly announces they're now making pumpkin spice marshmallows.'" –James Corden

"Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back-to-back in front of a crowd of American veterans. The winner, the leader who came off strongest and best last night, was Vladimir Putin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump loves Vladimir Putin. After all is said and done, if he doesn't become president, at the least, Donald Trump will have amazing sex with Vladimir Putin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The one guy Donald Trump has nothing bad to say about is Vladimir Putin. Maybe he is afraid Putin will cut off his supply of wives." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence broke with his running mate yesterday, saying that unlike Donald Trump, he does not doubt that President Obama was born in Hawaii. Though interestingly, Pence refused to respond when asked if it was true that he was born in Lego Land." –Seth Meyers

"Last night they held, like, an appetizer debate — an 'amuse douche,' if you will. It was called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump's wedding." –Stephen Colbert

"It took place right here in New York on the aircraft carrier Intrepid. Once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to cut it loose and let it drift out to sea." –Stephen Colbert

Sept. 7, 2016

"Donald Trump has just revealed that he's not practicing for the upcoming debates in a 'traditional' way, and has not been using a stand-in for Hillary. Which explains why today I saw Trump at Ann Taylor Loft yelling at a mannequin. 'That sweater set isn't very presidential! Sad!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he's endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. Well, actually what he said was, 'I have an endorsement for . . . Hilarity? Is there a Hilarity here? Hillberry? Hill-am-bee?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jessica Alba's Honest Company is selling 'bipartisan diapers' featuring the Democratic donkey and Republican elephant holding hands. Because at the end of the day, both Republicans and Democrats are basically full of the same thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump may have gotten a sign he will win in November because Trump's attorney, Michael Cohen, tweeted out a picture of a cloud that kind of looks like Donald Trump, along with the caption, 'In case anyone is unsure as to who will be our next #POTUS, the Lord has chosen the people's messenger.' Yes, God made a Trump-shaped cloud, though the cloud actually holds a position longer than the real Donald Trump." –Stephen Colbert

Sept. 6, 2016

"Yesterday, in China, President Obama had a meeting with Vladimir Putin. And before they started, Obama texted Michelle: 'Going into a meeting, love you.' While Putin texted the same thing to Donald Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

"A photo of Obama greeting Putin is going viral, because people think they're giving each other the death stare. I feel like both guys were just thinking, 'Oof, he's gotten old.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of people were saying President Obama was snubbed by China when they didn't have the stairs ready for him to get off the plane. In fact, Donald Trump said that if that ever happened to him, he'd just close the plane doors and leave the country. Every other country was like, 'That's all we have to do? Thank you. That's perfect!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. It was the first birthday party where someone jumped into the cake instead of out of it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see Donald Trump dancing at the gospel church? Donald Trump this weekend, as part of his new initiative to woo African-American voters, visited the Great Faith Ministries Church in Detroit. He said he was there to listen. I don't know what he was listening to but based on his dancing, it clearly wasn't music." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The latest CNN poll has Donald Trump beating Hillary Clinton 45 percent to 43 percent. But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery." –Seth Meyers

"A national Washington Post survey found that Donald Trump has historically low support among college-educated women. It's from their new segment, 'Stuff You Could Have Guessed.'" –Seth Meyers

"President Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went." –Stephen Colbert

"The president is there for his very last G20 Summit. So, the next time he talks international economics, it'll be with a really bored person at a party." –Stephen Colbert

"There was a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of the meeting, when Chinese officials wouldn't let President Obama get off Air Force One using the normal staircase, or 'Stair Force One' … I hope that's what they call it." –Stephen Colbert

"Have you heard about the latest FBI report on Hillary Clinton's emails? Probably not, because they put it out the Friday before Labor Day. You couldn't hide that news more if you welded it inside a lead capsule and fired it into the heart of the sun." –Stephen Colbert

"One of the big revelations of this latest email dump is that Secretary Clinton didn't use just one smartphone in office as she originally claimed, she used up to 13 different mobile devices in four years. Madam Secretary, tell the truth. Are you a crack dealer? Because I can't figure out why else you would need 13 phones." –Stephen Colbert

Sept. 1, 2016

"Donald Trump gave a big speech on immigration last night. And during the speech, he said that Mexico is 100% going to pay for his, quote, 'beautiful border wall.' Mexicans were like, 'Wait, you never said it was going to be beautiful. Who do we write the check out to?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rudy Giuliani spoke at Donald Trump's rally last night after he got back from Mexico and debuted a new campaign hat. This is real. We did not make this up. It reads, 'Make Mexico great again also.' They didn't stop there. They also debuted another hat that says, 'Oh, yeah, I guess we better make Canada great again, too, while we're at it, in addition to the United States and Mexico.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, Donald Trump said if he's elected, he will employ a 'deportation task force.' It's not really necessary, because if he's elected most people will probably leave voluntarily." –Conan O'Brien

"In his speech last night, Donald Trump proposed new screening to prevent violent extremists from entering the U.S. In response, Trump's supporters said, 'But we're already here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll reveals that supporters of both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are motivated by fear, not excitement. And third-party candidate Gary Johnson supporters are motivated by being related to Gary Johnson." –Conan O'Brien

"A prominent Latino Trump supporter announced today he is withdrawing his support for Donald Trump. He said, 'I would have done it sooner but I just came out of a year-long coma.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump maintains that he will build a [border] wall. A beautiful wall. He keeps saying the wall will be beautiful. You know, there are some people who think we need to build a wall; I don't think anyone's requiring that it be beautiful. It seems like a simple basic wall, maybe from IKEA, would do the trick." –Jimmy Kimmel