Marco Rubio Jokes

Best Late-Night Jokes Skewering GOP Presidential Candidate Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio Robot
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See Also:
• Funniest Marco Rubio Memes
Funniest GOP Primary Memes
Latest Late-Night Jokes

"A member of Marco Rubio's inner circle said his boss benefitted from the Trump-Cruz fight because, 'Marco is everyone's second choice.' That explains Rubio's new campaign slogan, 'I'm the Least Worst.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote.

Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone on the GOP side is about to get plenty of face time at tomorrow's fourth Republican debate. All eyes are on Marco Rubio. He looked presidential at the last debate thanks to his brilliant strategy of standing next to Jeb Bush." –Stephen Colbert

"After being courted by several candidates, conservative billionaire Paul Singer has decided to endorse Marco Rubio. Now instead of having a button that says, 'Donate,' Rubio's website just says, 'We Good.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, 'Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's another breakthrough moment in campaign fundraising. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio's website already features some great merchandise like a Marco Polo shirt, or a water bottle that says 'Water great nation.' The fundraising breakthrough on the Rubio website is that for $250 you can adopt a Rubio staffer for a day.

That really pulls at the heart strings. I wasn't going to donate to Marco Rubio but I can't let his staff who are evidently orphans go unpurchased." –Stephen Colbert

"During the debate last night, Marco Rubio said, 'We need more welders and less philosophers.' Graduates with a philosophy degree were so furious, they got on their parents' computers and wrote angry emails." –Conan O'Brien

"USA Today's GOP 'Power Rankings' had some big shake-ups this week, with Marco Rubio in the lead and Chris Christie in the top five. Yep, Rubio is number one, while Christie is numbers two through five." –Jimmy Fallon

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien 

More 2016 Election Jokes

"In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, 'Close enough!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump was recently being interviewed, and said that he's not a fan of the man bun trend, and wouldn't want to wear his hair that way.

You know it's bad when even Donald Trump is like, 'I'm not putting that on my head.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw that NBC has officially granted Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore and Lindsey Graham free airtime to equal Donald Trump's recent Saturday Night Live appearance. When asked how they'll feature the candidates, NBC was like, 'Let's just say the Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, 'Hey, what does this button do?'" –Seth Meyers

"After a protestor was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend Trump told reporters, 'Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.' And he might have a point, because what the man was doing was attending a Trump rally.

–Seth Meyers

"Ted Cruz's campaign announced that it's going to launch a national 'prayer team' next month, where people will pray for Cruz to win. Then God said, 'Oh I tuned out of this thing weeks ago.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, 'Trump's a racist.' The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted." –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush is on Snapchat. He's been on for a while because he's cool too. The Bush campaign launched a contest people can enter to win a chance to have dinner with Jeb Bush. The contest is called, 'Will someone please come hang out with me?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump's support keeps growing, with the latest poll from New Hampshire showing him ahead by 22 points. That's higher than the age of his next wife. It's only slightly more than the number of candidates for president." –Stephen Colbert

"In a recent interview, Donald Trump hinted that he might consider Chris Christie for his ticket if he wins the nomination. Not to be his vice president — to be his wall between America and Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"GOP candidate Carly Fiorina is being criticized for repeatedly changing the story of how she met Vladimir Putin, where they met, and what they talked about. In other words, they DEFINITELY met on Tinder." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump’s latest attack on Hillary Clinton is that her hair isn’t real. Trump says he knows this because he saw her in line at his wig store." –Conan O'Brien

"I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, 'Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First Ben Carson said he attacked his mother with a hammer, now Ben Carson’s mother is saying she’s the one who attacked Ben with a hammer. I don’t know about you, but that’s going to be one awkward Thanksgiving at the Carson house." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It's almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he's winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee. And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president!" –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said in a new interview, 'We started off with 17 and one by one they're disappearing. It's a beautiful thing to watch as they go out.' Which begs the question, have we actually just been watching 'The Apprentice' this whole time?"–Seth Meyers