Outrageously Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

Decades After he cracked these jokes, they still resonate

Caucasian female (15 years old) wearing a funny disguise
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Groucho Marx and his brothers had an unmatched flair for comedy. However, it was Groucho Marx who became the reigning king of comedy in the 1940s. He was known for double meanings embedded in his one-liners, along with his ever-present cigar, prominent eyebrows and glasses. Groucho Marx quotes are regarded as evergreen classics, absolutely laugh-out-loud funny, even many decades later. His wit is timeless.

Groucho Marx Quotes on Women

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."

"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."

"Time wounds all heels."

On Reading

"Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter.

Some day I intend reading it."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

On Aging and Death

"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"

"Bury me next to a straight man."

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

Put-Downs and Puns

"All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."

"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."

"Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes?"

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."