Pope Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Pope Benedict XVI

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"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job." –Jay Leno

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened.
Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

"With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They'll send out white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it's 2013." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up 'being Pope.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope is resigning. I just hope it's not steroids." –Jay Leno

"Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, 'Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically.
To which Lance Armstrong said, 'I've got some stuff that can help you with that.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" –Jay Leno "Pope Benedict announced he's retiring.
This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill." –David Letterman

"The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids." –David Letterman

"The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work." –David Letterman

"The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place." –Craig Ferguson

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

"The Pope is now on Twitter.
The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money." –David Letterman

"The Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction. Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin." –Conan O'Brien

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" –Jay Leno

"In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." –Seth Meyers

"In a new book, the Pope exonerates the Jews for the death of Jesus. Well, not a moment too soon. He really nipped that one in the bud." –Jay Leno

"The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you're dating someone from the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno "It's exciting to be here now because you know what's going to happen? The pope is coming to New York City. Can you feel the excitement? He arrived earlier today in Washington, D.C. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic." --David Letterman

"But did you hear about this? He's getting on the flight in Rome, and he was almost not allowed on the aircraft because he tried to bring on more than three ounces of holy water." --David Letterman

"We also want to wish Pope Benedict a happy birthday. Tomorrow, he'll be 81 years old. The pontiff, 81 years old. Do you realize in a couple more years, he could be the next Republican nominee?" --Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They're both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It's a fine line." --Stephen Colbert

"The pope 81 years old, and he's going to be saying a mass at Nationals Stadium in Washington Thursday, and then on Sunday, he'll be saying a mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. And I'm worried about that Sunday Mass because the pope will be doing that one on two days' rest. What a schedule. And right after the mass at Yankee Stadium, the pope goes down to Madison Square Garden and administers the last rites for the Knicks" --David Letterman

"This seemed odd to me. For the pope's arrival ceremony at the White House tomorrow, they're going to give him a 21-gun salute. Now, really, isn't there a better welcome for the Apostle of Peace than a show of firearms? I mean, whose idea was that? Dick Cheney's?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we've all prayed every single day." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear what President Bush said to the pope after his speech today? This is an exact quote. I'm not changing it. He said, 'Awesome speech, your Holiness.' That's what he said to the pope. See, he didn't want to say 'dude,' because it was a formal affair." --Jay Leno

"The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn't attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, 'You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, when the pope arrived at the White House, he was given a 21-gun salute. That's got to make Barack Obama a little uncomfortable. Guns and religion, you know, that kind of thing. Get a little bitter. I don't know about that." --Jay Leno

"And coincidentally, today is the pope's 81st birthday. Isn't that remarkable? 81st birthday, yeah. President Bush greeted the pope, and he knew it was his birthday, so he gave him a gift card to Big and Tall Hats." --David Letterman

"And at the White House, this was great. The pope was greeted by a 21-gun salute, 22 if you count Cheney. Ka-boom!" --David Letterman

"President Bush actually met the pope at the airport. He picked him up. That wasn't easy, you know, they don't let you stop at the curb anymore. So, Bush had to keep circling. Bush is driving by, and the pope is trying to flag him down." --Jay Leno

"It was a huge, huge, big deal. Although I don't think President Bush is too familiar with the Catholic religion. There was one awkward moment when President Bush kept looking behind the pope going, 'So, where's Mrs. Pope?'" --Jay Leno

"The pope will be visiting New York later in the week. He'll be doing a mass at Yankee Stadium. That'll be pretty cool. Then, he's going to spend over 12 hours hearing the sins of the two New York governors." --Jay Leno

"The Pope will be here tomorrow. You know who's picking him up at the airport? President Bush. This is true. It's the first time the President has ever picked up a visiting leader at the airport. See, that's when you know your presidency is winding down, when you're picking up people at the airport. And they expect tens of thousands of well-wishers to show up. Tens for Bush and thousands for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"Are you excited about the pope? He is rich, he is powerful, and guess what, girls, he's single. He is going to be in New York a couple of days and he is very busy. He will be at Yankee Stadium, saying Mass at the Yankee Stadium. That will be emotional. That will be his last Mass at the old stadium. That'll be on Sunday. Then on Monday he'll be performing in an exorcism at 'The View.' So he will have his work cut out for him there." --David Letterman

"Radical Muslims are still angry at the Pope. They say the Pope insulted a whole people and their religion. Then they went back to calling for the destruction of Israel and killing everyone." --Jay Leno

"There've been huge protests in the Muslim world over anti-Muslim comments made by the new Pope, Pope Benedict. Today the Pope apologized, saying he never should have gone drinking with Mel Gibson." --Jay Leno

"There's a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology." --David Letterman

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"Last week at Germany's University of Regensburg, which as you know is a safety school, Pope Benedict gave an address in which he discussed Islam's concept of jihad by quoting 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II. You know if you're going to make a wholesale generalization, say it in German. It gives it that extra 'oomph.'" --Jon Stewart

"The Pope said those weren't his words. He said he was just quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor. And today Mel Gibson said, 'Yeah, me too.'" --Jay Leno

"The Vatican has increased protection around the Pope. How ironic is that -- A Catholic using protection?" --Jay Leno

"In the West Bank a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism fire bombed four churches, telling the Associated Press the attacks were carried out to protest the Pope's remarks linking Islam and violence. The irony of the statement, and this is often the case we find, was lost on them." --Jon Stewart

"Muslims all over the world are rioting because they are upset with the Pope. Again, I don't think President Bush understands these issues. Like today, he said, 'These Muslims, why can't they ask themselves what would Jesus do?'" --Jay Leno

"It's hard to say you're sorry, especially when you're infallible. But by last weekend, Benedict offered these words of apology. He's sorry that people felt bad. That's known in Vatican terminology as a 'me-a-kinda.' It's a time-honored tradition in the Catholic Church dating back to the Inquisition when Pope Innocent IV said, 'We deeply regret the fact that so many non-believers happen to be flammable'." --Jon Stewart

"Muslims are very upset with the Pope over some anti-Muslim statements that he made. You can tell the Vatican is getting nervous like today they issued a statement saying the views of the Pope do not necessarily reflect the views of the Catholic Church and its subsidaries."

"The Pope has gotten so many threats now, they are considering transferring him to another parish."

"I think the Pope might be getting worried. Today he led officials on a slow speed chase through Vatican City on the Pope mobile."

"Muslims all over the Middle East are rioting in the streets. These are one billion of the touchiest people I have ever seen on my TV. The latest target of their rage, of course, is Pope Benedict XVI. Last Tuesday, the Pope gave a speech and quoted 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II, who said that everything introduced by Islam is 'evil and inhuman.' Well I say, don't back down your Holy Pope 'cause it's true -- what did they give us? Optics, hydraulic engineering, algebra. There's not an eighth grader in the world who would convict you, sir." --Stephen Colbert

"Pope Benedict said that Christmas isn't about expensive presents; it's about joy. After the statement, the Pope went back to his gold and marble apartment."—Conan O'Brien

"The pope is in his native Germany. He's actually promoting his new movie, the 80-year-old virgin. He spoke at a synagogue in Berlin that was destroyed by the Nazis and apologized for the destruction. Then he politely wondered if, by any chance, during the rebuilding, anyone had found his wallet." --Bill Maher

"The Pope said that churches in countries like the United States are dying out. He said it's like they're going out of business. You know why? People used to need churches to help them understand the word of God. But, see, now that job has been transferred to the federal government." --Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict the Sixteenth said that he prayed that he would not get elected but then he did get elected. Today Hillary Clinton called the pope and said can you pray for me not to get elected in 2008. ... He had hoped to live his last years living quietly and peacefully, and today Al Gore said 'You know, it's not that great.'" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend in Indianapolis over 30,000 fans attended a Star wars convention. ... Experts say it was the highest concentration of celibate men since they elected the new pope." --Jay Leno