Republican Primary Jokes

Best Jokes About the 2016 GOP Presidential Primaries

See Also:
Donald Trump Jokes
Jeb Bush Jokes
Marco Rubio Jokes
Ben Carson Jokes
Latest Late-Night Jokes

"Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them 'anxious.' And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them 'Canadian.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump announced that he's not going to participate in the Fox News debate tomorrow night. The other candidates are really excited to present their views in a serious, yet respectful manner — which means they haven't been told that nobody is going to watch this one." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"In New Hampshire, somebody broke into Rand Paul's campaign headquarters. Police became suspicious when they noticed someone in Rand Paul's campaign headquarters." –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republican presidential debate is tomorrow night. People have already come up with drinking games for it. The most popular game is the one where you skip the debate and go out drinking." –Conan O'Brien

"Among the debaters tomorrow night is Ben Carson who is a neurosurgeon.

Carson says he's not there to debate, he's there to diagnose exactly what's wrong with Donald Trump." –Conan O'Brien

"In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, 'Don't vote for me.' Graham's supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads." –Jimmy Fallon

"A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump's father, Fred Trump.

I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land, and this land is also my land." –Jimmy Fallon

"During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say 'Joe Biden,' the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say 'President Ted Cruz.” –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in Iowa just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It's always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said over the weekend that his decision whether to run for president is going to make a lot of people very happy. That's too bad. I was hoping he would run." –Seth Meyers

"Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham, who is single, said today that if elected he will have a 'rotating first lady.' Even creepier, he said it on Tinder." –Seth Meyers

"The Republican presidential race has more characters than 'Game of Thrones.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president.

Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares." –Jimmy Fallon

"Senator Lindsey Graham announced that he's running for president because, you know, you want 50 people to run for president." –Seth Meyers

"If elected, Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years.

And he'd also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony." –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition." –Jimmy Fallon

"After years of bashing Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood." –Conan O'Brien

"Tea party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he's one step closer to being a Fox News analyst." –David Letterman

"We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It's all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney announced that he is no longer considering running for president in 2016. As opposed to those other guys who forgot about running — the Seattle Seahawks." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will begin fundraising for a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the end of January. No word on what his platform will be, but if I know Christie it'll be really strong, maybe double reinforced steel." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs." –Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump said he is thinking very seriously about a 2016 presidential campaign. You can tell he's serious. Today I saw him shaking hands and firing babies." –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Senator Rand Paul reflected on Mitt Romney's potential 2016 campaign and said, 'It's sort of what Einstein said, that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.' When someone told him Einstein didn't actually say that, he said, 'In the words of Gandhi, 'My bad.''" –Jimmy Fallon

"Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney will reportedly address the Republican National Committee on Friday to talk about a possible third presidential run. It's never a good sign when you have to start your speech with 'Hear me out.'" –Seth Meyers

"Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush will release a decade's worth of tax returns to avoid comparisons to Mitt Romney. Yeah, they're nothing alike. They're just both former governors from wealthy families whose parents gave them super-weird names." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, 'Lingering Awkwardness' was actually Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is reportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. And somehow, miraculously, none of them were busy with other stuff." –Seth Meyers

"Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one." –David Letterman

"Jeb announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has 'come around' to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, 'I guess you could do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman