Royal Family Jokes

Late-Night Jokes Skewering the British Royal Family

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"Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince's first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla." –Craig Ferguson

"Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs.

Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'" –Jay Leno
 
"It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years." –Jay Leno

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge.

The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country's great history and gets him beaten up at school every day." -Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he's so rich that he's already dating a girl half his age." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby.

He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy." –Conan O'Brien

Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Buckingham Palace announced the child's gender. I wish they'd do the same with Camilla." –David Letterman

"Today we got our first look at the royal baby. Hurray for Kate and William. That little guy has only the tiniest tuft of hair on his head. And the baby's got some hair too." –Craig Fergsuon

"Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They're the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. This really is big news — I mean, if the year was 1250 then it would be big news." –David Letterman 

"The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown." –David Letterman

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our friends in the U.K. There's a new royal baby. The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby." –Craig Ferguson 

"Nude photos popped up on the Internet today of what appears to be Prince Harry having a big naked party in Las Vegas.

This has caused quite a commotion in London. But I'd be disappointed if my prince wasn't having naked parties in Vegas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"What's the point of being a prince if you can't round girls up in Vegas and get naked with them? In the olden days, it probably went on every night and if you told anybody about it, they cut your head off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider." –Jay Leno, on the opening ceremony for the London Olympics

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years.

In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada." –Jay Leno

"Queen Elizabeth turned 85 today. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, 'Is she dead?'" –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left." –Jay Leno

"The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno
 

"Hey, who's excited about the Royal Wedding? I'm conflicted. I can't figure out whether I don't care or whether I couldn't care less. I think we're all more excited about the royal divorce." –David Letterman

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" –Jay Leno

"When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom." --Seth Meyers

"And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I'm not saying it's easy to buy the Queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving." --Seth Meyers

"President Obama and the First Lady met with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family at Buckingham Palace. Actually, you know why they did that? This is all part of Obama's campaign to reach out to those people without any real jobs." --Jay Leno

"A lot of Americans don't understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president." --Jay Leno

"Obama was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse." --Bill Maher

"It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes." --Jimmy Fallon

"Barack Obama met with the Queen of England today. There was one embarrassing moment when the Obamas were meeting the Royal Family. The Queen said, 'Have you met my son, Charles?' And the Obamas turned to Camilla and said, 'Yes, how do you do?'" --Jay Leno

"A British genealogist who traced President Obama's roots claimed Obama is related to the royal family. Well, did you see President Obama standing with Prince Charles? If those ears are any indication, I think they may be related." --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson

"But President Obama -- this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back." --David Letterman