British Royal Family Jokes

American Late-Night Hosts Skewer the British Royal Family

Trooping The Colour 2017
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Poking fun at the British royal family isn't just a sport in the United Kingdom. Plenty of late-night talk show hosts across the pond take their jabs at the royals as well, young and old.

Jay Leno

"It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years."

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years.

In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada." 

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" 

"A lot of Americans don't understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president." 

"A British genealogist who traced President Obama's roots claimed Obama is related to the royal family. Well, did you see President Obama standing with Prince Charles? If those ears are any indication, I think they may be related." 

Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of...the same." 

"Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial.

She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's." 

"It's a great day for our friends in the U.K. There's a new royal baby. The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby." 

"Today we got our first look at the royal baby.

Hurray for Kate and William. That little guy has only the tiniest tuft of hair on his head. And the baby's got some hair too."

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million."

David Letterman

"Hey, who's excited about the royal wedding? I'm conflicted. I can't figure out whether I don't care or whether I couldn't care less. I think we're all more excited about the royal divorce." 

"Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They're the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. This really is big news—I mean, if the year was 1250, then it would be big news."

"The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown." 

"Buckingham Palace announced the child's gender. I wish they'd do the same with Camilla." 

"But President Obama—this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back."

Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God.

What's labor?'" 

 "It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes."

"Right now, the top three [baby] name predictions are Arthur, Alfred, and James, followed by Ronnie, Pauly D, and The Situation. Actually, a lot of people were betting on the name of the royal baby. Those people have a name, too. They're called gambling addicts. But the baby weighed in at 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and he already has more hair than his dad."

Conan O'Brien 

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'"

"President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate.

Those things come in handy." 

"The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country's great history and gets him beaten up at school every day." 

"The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he's so rich that he's already dating a girl half his age." 

Jimmy Kimmel

"Nude photos popped up on the internet today of what appears to be Prince Harry having a big naked party in Las Vegas. This has caused quite a commotion in London. But I'd be disappointed if my prince wasn't having naked parties in Vegas.

"What's the point of being a prince if you can't round girls up in Vegas and get naked with them? In the olden days, it probably went on every night and if you told anybody about it, they cut your head off."

Seth Meyers

"When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom.

"And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I'm not saying it's easy to buy the queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving." 

"Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy [James] today. He was born 8 pounds, which works out to $11.15."

Bill Maher

"Obama was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse."

James Corden

“[The wedding of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle] was Britain at its finest. It was a picture-perfect day. Windsor castle, 600 guests, 30,000 flowers—or as Elton John calls it, a Thursday.”

"The boy [James] is now fifth in line to the British throne, right behind Harry Styles, but ahead of me, which is annoying. This is Kate's third child in just five years. When she heard that, Meghan Markle was like, 'Ha ha, we're not all expected to do that, are we?'"

"It looks less like how you announce a baby and more like how a fancy restaurant announces the soup of the day." —on the birth announcement being displayed on a golden easel outside the palace

John Oliver

"I would not blame [Meghan Markle] if she pulled out of this at the last minute....I don't think you need to have just seen the pilot episode of 'The Crown' to get a basic sense of she might be marrying into a family that could cause her some emotional complications."

Stephen Colbert

"[The town crier who announced prince James' birth] is just some guy. He's not official. He just does that every time there's a royal baby 'despite not having an official relationship with the royal family.'" But he's easy to mistake for royalty: He's got a stupid hat, and he doesn't have a real job.

He's real to us, and we believe him, because England is just weird. But he's just a guy who wanders London in a costume you can take your photo with. It would be like if we let the Times Square Elmo announce our Supreme Court decisions."