Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Quotes

Political Jokes and Funny Quotes

Seth Meyers SNL Weekend Update
Saturday Night Live Weekend Update anchor Seth Meyers. Courtesy of NBC

Read the latest quotes from SNL Weekend Update

Seth Meyers Quotes on SNL's 'Weekend Update'

"A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government.

Well played, Canada." -Seth Meyers

"John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"Winner: the Tea Party. It's always nice to see a vocal minority get their way. You're like the naked lunatic that gets his own subway car. So congrats on soiling yourself into power." -Cecily Strong

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

“IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers

"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS?

You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler

"And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party?

Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing." –Seth Meyers

'President Obama this week denied that he knew about the inspector general's report detailing the IRS's increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America, there's just a bunch of stuff happening that the president doesn't know about.' –Seth Meyers

"The President also condemned the IRS for targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny saying, 'Public service is a solemn privilege.' In response, Joe Biden quietly deflated his whoopee cushion.' –Seth Meyers

"Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'" –Amy Poehler

"Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't." –Seth Meyers

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"Disney has developed a new video game called "Disney City Girl," which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder.

To win the game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made." –Seth Meyers

"Senators John McCain and Lindsay Graham this week said they would not proceed with the nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense until the Obama Administration provided more information about last year’s Benghazi attack. Then, and only then, will they return to their balcony seats on the Muppet Show.'" –Seth Meyers

"President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone for his second term, especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth control pills." –Seth Meyers

“This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s historic 'I Have A Dream' speech. As well as the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend’s 'I had the weirdest dream' speech. Guess which one was longer.” –Seth Meyers

"Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day.

So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." –Seth Meyers

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey"According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years. Of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?" --Tina Fey"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey"Tom DeLay, embroiled in a lobbying scandal, said he will not run for re-election and he will leave Congress in a few months. DeLay says he will spend his free time doing what he loves most: slapping ice cream cones out of children's hands" --Tina Fey"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. 18 Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler"According to Washington insiders, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he'd like to spend more time lying for his family" --Amy Poehler"South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.'" --Tina Fey"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey"Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey"President Bush and the Indian prime minister agreed Thursday on a landmark nuclear energy agreement in which the U.S. would share its nuclear know-how and fuel with India. And, in exchange, India would take all our jobs."--Tina Fey"Osama bin Laden released his first new audio taped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls." --Tina Fey"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said that New Orleans, when rebuilt, will be a chocolate city. And he will be the delicious nut in the center." -Amy Poehler"Fox News Channel has launched a contest called 'Bloviate with Bill,' in which six viewers will be flown to New York and given the chance to fend off O'Reilly's unwanted sexual advances." --Tina Fey"During the Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, tempers boiled when Sen. Ted Kennedy threatened to subpoena records of the controversial group Concerned Alumni of Princeton, and chairman Arlen Specter had to slam his gavel twice before boredom was restored. " --Tina Fey"During Sen. Graham's apology, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, Alito's wife, was so overcome with emotion she broke down in tears and left the hearing. To get an abortion." --Tina Fey"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you." --Amy Poehler"Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted during an interview this week that he has smacked his children, though only because he believed reports that they were carrying weapons of mass destruction." --Tina Fey"Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and widespread delays. Said President Bush, 'The what and the who?" --Tina Fey"While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn." --Tina Fey"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey "California voters rejected all four of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot proposals, all of them, every one, including Number One: No hogging the bench press. Number two: Towel off the incline board. Number three: Put the free weights back on the rack after use, and Number Four: Let me squeeze your buttocks and don't tell nobody." --Tina Fey"In the trial of Saddam Hussein on Tuesday, witnesses emotionally testified about the abuse the former dictator inflicted on them. Afterward, a tearful Saddam said, 'Ah, good times.'" --Amy Poehler"Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family." --Tina Fey"If convicted Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice: 10 years in prison; making false statements: 5 years; perjury: 4 years; going to jail with the name Scooter: priceless." --Tina Fey"Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic, with sustained winds at 175 miles per hour. Or, as it's called around FEMA, casual friday." --Tina Fey"A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler"U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush at the White House this week. Bono urged the president to help the world's poor. Bush urged Bono to get back with Cher." --Tina Fey"To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor." --Tina Fey"Shocking many on Thursday, the Religious Right participated in a second-term abortion." --Amy Poehler, on Harriet Miers' withdrawal of her Supreme Court nomination"The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesperson for Halliburton said, 'Millions? With an M? That is adorable.'" --Amy Poehler"It was reported that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay took several ethically questionable golf trips paid for by foreign lobbyists and that his wife and daughter were paid $500,000 from his own political action committee. DeLay referred to the allegations as 'just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me with my own actions words and illegal doings.'" --Tina Fey"President Bush on Monday defended U.S. interrogation of terrorists, saying 'We do not torture.' He added, 'We freedom electrocute.'" --Amy Poehler"Al Gore announced that he's creating an independent cable TV network called Current that will be aimed at 18 to 34 year olds and focus on technology, culture, fashion, television, music, politics, parenting and the environment. Oh My God even his cable channel won't shut up." --Tina Fey"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey"In an Election Day victory for their party on Tuesday, Democrats won the governors' races in Virginia and New Jersey. Democrats everywhere got together to celebrate before they realized they don't remember how." --Amy Poehler"A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey"In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an F." --Tina Fey"In the wake of newly-alleged prisoner abuse this week, Senator John McCain said that continued mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners is hurting the nation's image. Also hurting the nation's image: letting people drown when it rains." --Amy Poehler"According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them." --Tina Fey "In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey"Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler"It was announced Thursday that the Army will allow recruits to sign up for just 15 months of active duty. If that doesn't work, the military will try renaming Iraq 'Super Cancun.'" --Amy Poehler"D.C. City Councilman Marion Barry displayed a gasification machine, which can supposedly convert garbage or sewage into pollution-free energy and drinking water. However, he did not turn it on to prove that it works. And why would he? All I need to hear are the words 'Marion Barry' and 'gasification machine' and I'm ready to invest." --Amy Poehler"This week British Prime Minister Tony Blair was re-elected to a record-setting third term as George Bush's bitch." --Amy Poehler"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in there yet." --Amy Poehler"Tom DeLay's mug shot was released on Thursday. Even creepier, it was taken while he watched someone drown a bag of kittens." --Amy Poehler"While trying to defend his nomination of Harriet Miers, President Bush admitted he and Miers had never discussed abortion. Said Bush, 'Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.'" --Amy Poehler"Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attend by a U.S. delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Senior, Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush and one well-hidden Gameboy." --Amy Poehler"The congressional committee on steroid abuse this Thursday heard the testimony of six major league players including see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no English." --Amy Poehler"During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as 'mildly pro-choice,' which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant." --Amy Poehler"Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride." --Tina Fey"Earlier today former Vermont Governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee -- no word on who will be the neck." --Amy Poehler"Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of the CBS 'Evening News.' Apparently CBS really likes her idea for a segment called 'Where in the World is Osama bin Laden? ... Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.'" --Tina Fey"According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have combined $23 million left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair." --Amy PPoehler"The nation's energy chief says it'll take six months for energy production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old 'Save Gas: Fart In A Jar' t-shirt." --Amy Poehler"Last night on '20/20' Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration. And like all of her interviews Walters did not shy away form the difficult questions. [Clip of Walters: 'Are you a cat person or a dog person?'] Are you a cat person or a dog person? Of course with President Bush the questions don't need to be difficult to seem difficult. [Walters: 'What three words most describe your state of mind.' Bush: 'Excited, hopeful and appreciative.'] You know he wanted to say 9/11 but he couldn't figure out how many words that was." --Tina Fey