Social Security Jokes

Funny Late-Night Jokes About Social Security

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"According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names in 2016 are Noah and Emma. Least popular baby names? Donald and Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's not a great day for old folks. Today, the Social Security Administration announced there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. Social Security is the government's most popular program.

A couple of years ago, President Bush wanted to privatize Social Security and put all the money in the stock market. That would have worked out. That would be like hiring Michael Vick to look after your dog!" –Craig Ferguson

"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno

"And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors.

Or as we call it, Social Security." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It's eight." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher

"In Camden, N.J., an 80-year-old has been working as a prostitute or, as people are calling it, the Bush Social Security plan." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's Social Security plan is in trouble, and Republicans are angry.

They say everyone is attacking it and it is still a work in progress. They said, 'Of course it's not clear what the solution is -- we're still inventing the problem.'" --Bill Maher

"According to a new poll only 44% of Americans approve of President Bush's new plans for Social Security. 44%, or as Bush calls that, a mandate." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has started to make plans for what he's going to do after he leaves the White House. He better hurry up because under his plan he sure won't be able to live on Social Security." --Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made his case with Social Security reform. He said if you have a Social Security check you might want to cash it first thing in the morning." --Jay Leno

"Tonight in his speech, President Bush introduced his plan for Social Security. His plan: take the security part out of it." --Jay Leno

"A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey

"According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by 2052, completely broke.

Again I don't think President Bush understands these issues. He says '2052 -- well, that's all right, by then all our old people will be dead.'" --Jay Leno

“Take a look at this: gas under $3 a gallon – under $3 a gallon. Unemployment under 6%, whoever thought? Stock market breaking records every day. No wonder the guy is so unpopular.” –David Letterman on President Obama

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