These 30 ROFL Steven Wright's Funniest Jokes Are Crazily Funny

Steven Wright Brand of Humor: Deadpan Jokes That Get You Cracking!

Standup Comedian Steven Wright
Steven Wright, Comedian. Credit: Gary Miller / Contributor/Getty Images

The Persona of Steven Wright: Deadpan, Dead Serious Comedian

When he walks up the stage, the lackadaisical strut which is a Steven Wright signature makes the audience lean forward in rapt attention.  They know that something really big is about to happen. He paces up and down the platform, seemingly in no hurry, and without making eye contact with his eager listeners. The build-up to this climax can only be satisfied by a one-liner from the ace comedian as he cracks his first joke:

"Thanks!"

The sudden burst of laughter among the audience tells you that the comedian has struck a chord. And with a deadpan expression, eyes searching the room, Steven Wright lands another gem from his collection:

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."

With this funny quip, he has nailed it. The audience is now enraptured. The evening has just begun.

What Makes Steven Wright Such a Hit With His Audience?

One of the things you will like about Steven Wright, the famous American comedian, is that he does not make ribald jokes on race or color. Most of his humor revolves around his observations of day-to-day life. With Steven Wright's humor, you can see how ludicrous our lifestyles and beliefs are.

Why Steven Wright Is Like No Other Standup Comedian

Steven Wright's deadpan facial expression adds to the humor. His wacky frazzled hair -- balding in the center, overgrowing on the sides -- contribute to his humorous persona.

He comes across as a laid-back performer, who happened to accidentally walk on to the stage. It only takes a minute for the audience to connect with him. Once he is on stage, Steven Wright is a transformed man. He ensures that his audience has a bellyful of laughs, and they keep asking for more.

Steven Wright does not come across as a comedian who is trying hard to please.

He looks like he sleepwalked his way into the show. But given that he puts up this act every time with aplomb, it is anybody's guess how much work he puts into making every act of his act seem like a masterpiece.

Steven Wright Short and Funny Jokes Are Classic Humor

What makes Steven Wright stand out from his contemporaries and predecessors, is that he can create a joke with the fewest words in them. His signature "Thanks!" at the beginning of his show is proof that you don't need too many words to create a great joke. In fact, too many words kill the essence of the joke, when you spell it out for the audience. Another of his characteristic short one liner is:

"Lost a buttonhole."

"What are imitation rhinestones?

"If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts." 

"I was skydiving horizontally."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare." 

"Is tired old cliche one?"

Steven Wright has a gift of great observation. His jokes usually talk about the absurdities of life. They often make you think, "Now, that's really funny. Why didn't I think of that joke?" His great ability to use paraprosdokians with perfect comic timing makes him an instant hit with his audience.

The Comedian, Actor, Director, Grammy Award and Academy Award Winner

Steven Wright is a man of many colors. In 1989, he won an Academy Award for a 30-minute short film he co-wrote with Michael Armstrong titled, "The Appointments of Dennis Jennings." Prior to this, Wright created a comedy album in 1985, which was titled, I Have a Pony. The album was widely appreciated and even nominated for the Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album.

Read Some of the Funniest Steven Wright Jokes

Here are some gems of humor from the famous comedian. These Steven Wright jokes are great conversation starters. I have seen many of these lines used as ice-breakers in training sessions, speeches, and Facebook status updates. Spice up your essays with a punch of humor from these jokes.

  • Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  • One time, the police stopped me for speeding, and they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."

  • I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

  • The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  • Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
  • A while ago, I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table, having a furious argument over what I considered to be an "odd" number.

  • I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
  • My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
  • My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
  • My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
  • My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
  • My socks do match. They're the same thickness.
  • My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
  • I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
  • I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'
  • I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
  • I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.
  • I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.