Steven Wright One-Liners

Pack a Punch With These Steven Wright One-Liners

Photo of Steve WRIGHT and RADIO ONE
UNITED KINGDOM - DECEMBER 12: Photo of Steve WRIGHT and RADIO ONE; DJs Christmas Party - Steve Wright. Virginia Turbett / Contributor/ Redferns/ Getty images

Steven Wright is an American comedian who is famous for his deadpan expression while performing on stage. His one-liners seem intelligently designed, focusing on absurdities that we take for granted.

In 1985, Steven Wright featured in an HBO special titled, Steven Wright Special, which had a huge fan following. Apart from comedy, Steven Wright has also created short films. He won an Academy Award for Best Short Live-Action film in 1989.

Steven Wright does not use coarse language to create jokes. His one-liners make you marvel his sharp wit. He shakes every belief system and pulls you out of your comfort zone.

Steven Wright's one-liners create a riot of laughter. If you are good at dialogue delivery, use these one-liners to sharpen your speech. Use them as ice-breakers in a meeting or as punch-line in your presentation.

  • I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
  • I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
  • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • For a while, I didn't have a car...I had a place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
  • George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.
  • I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I put my air conditioner in backward. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
  • I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
  • I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
  • I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
  • I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
  • I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
  • I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
  • I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
  • I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
  • I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
  • I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
  • I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
  • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
  • I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  • I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
  • I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
  • I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
  • I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
  • I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
  • I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
  • I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
  • I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
  • I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
  • I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
  • I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
  • I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
  • I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.