Stock Market Jokes from Late Night Hosts

A Humorous Collection About the U.S. and International Stock Markets

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"Today the stock market plunged 600 points and One Direction announced they're breaking up. Yes, both of these things happened. It was good timing for me because when people asked why I was sobbing uncontrollably, I was able to blame it on the stock market." –Conan O'Brien

"Today China's stock market went down 8 percent and France and Germany's both went down 5 percent. When asked for comment Greece said, 'boo-hoo.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Bill Gates alone, lost $3.2 billion on the stock market yesterday. To put that in perspective, that's like a regular person losing a dollar in a vending machine." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The CEO of Starbucks sent the message to Starbucks employees yesterday, instructing them to be sensitive to customers who might be feeling stressed out about the market. I like that the place that charges $5 for a cup of coffee is concerned about our finances." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.' Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments." –Bill Maher

"Take a look at this: gas under $3 a gallon – under $3 a gallon. Unemployment under 6%, whoever thought? Stock market breaking records every day. No wonder the guy is so unpopular." –David Letterman on President Obama

"The stock market took a dive today.

It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien

"Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis.

So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on earth." --Amy Poehler

"Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines." –David Letterman

"The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" –David Letterman
 

"After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis." –Conan O'Brien

"On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?" --David Letterman during the 2008 financial crisis

"Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge." –Jay Leno

"The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven't seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House." --Craig Ferguson

"With the Congress not in session, the stock market made a big comeback today. See, that's the key to saving the economy.

Send these idiots home so they can't screw up anymore. Exactly. We need more holidays. That's the problem. More holidays, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, get them all in there." --Jay Leno

"One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the first time the stock market has lost more than a trillion dollars in value in one day. I don't know, is it just me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating? I say, don't look at this as a financial meltdown, look at this as an opportunity for us all to live together at Oprah's house." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets.

This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing." --Jay Leno

"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher

"Now today, I don't want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list." --Conan O'Brien

"The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'" --Jay Leno

"The stock market had its worst week in a long time, and that's saying something considering recent history. Not only that, the stores are reporting their worst earnings in the last eight years, unemployment is at a 14-year high, car companies apparently are headed toward extinction. Today in Times Square, the stock ticker just said, 'What the f**k are you looking at?'" --Bill Maher

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