Ted Cruz Jokes

Best Late-Night Jokes Skewering Texas Senator Ted Cruz

Texas Senator Ted Cruz: Everything Is Bigger in Texas, Especially the Morons

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Latest Late-Night Jokes

"In last night's Iowa caucus, Ted Cruz won first place and gave a 32-minute speech. To be fair, 31 of those minutes were just people shouting 'Really? Him?! This guy? We're going with this guy? We're kidding! I did it as a joke!'" –James Corden

"Ted Cruz's victory last night raises a lot of questions, like one: 'Can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire?' And two: 'Just how much does it cost to move to Canada?'" –James Corden

"On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus.

Then Cruz said, 'And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics, when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a 'maniac,' he has since learned that Cruz has a 'wonderful temperament.' And if Donald Trump thinks you have a 'wonderful temperament,' you're probably a maniac." –Seth Meyers

"Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him 'mano a mano.' In response, Trump said, 'See, he's not from this country.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tea party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he's not Canadian." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is now accusing Ted Cruz of having a Canadian passport. Cruz said he doesn't have a Canadian passport, but like everyone else he'll get one the minute Donald Trump becomes president." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say 'whatever he needs to say' to win the election.

And it's true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said 'Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton.'" –Seth Meyers

"Ted Cruz has jumped ahead of Donald Trump in the latest Iowa poll. The poll was called 'Who's crazier?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz said he would carpet bomb ISIS until the sand glowed. When it was pointed out ISIS was centered in a city with a major population, he said carpet bombs should only target ISIS, which means Ted Cruz has invented a carpet bomb that only kills the bad guys, which is remarkable.

I don't know why we didn't think of that before." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival." –Jimmy Kimmel

 

"During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say 'Joe Biden,' the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say 'President Ted Cruz.” –Seth Meyers

"Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he's raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, 'Happy to help. Can't wait.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it.

It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition." –Jimmy Fallon

"After years of bashing Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood." –Conan O'Brien

"Tea party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he's one step closer to being a Fox News analyst." –David Letterman

"We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It's all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential." –David Letterman

"Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s." –Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish.

Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport." –Conan O'Brien

"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?" –David Letterman

"Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before…" –David Letterman

"The first known candidate to enter the presidential race in 2016 is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Announcing your candidacy before everyone else does is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the red carpet at the Oscars. It's not a great thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

"Republican Congressman Peter King called Ted Cruz a carnival barker. That is such an insult to carnival barkers. " –David Letterman

"Ted Cruz said today that if elected president, he'll tell the truth and do what he said he'd do. And guys, I know we've been burned 44 times on this, but I have a good feeling about this guy." –Seth Meyers

"Ted Cruz is the first official candidate for the 2016 presidential election. As history has shown, the first declared candidate always goes on to win the election — except in 2012, 2008, 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988, 1984, 1980, 1976, 1972, 1968, 1964, 1960, 1956…" –David Letterman

"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away." –Bill Maher

"President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz." –Conan O'Brien

"There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama." –Bill Maher

"Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada." -Seth Meyers

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Latest Late-Night Jokes

"After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President." –Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'" –Bill Maher

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it." –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'" –Bill Maher

"This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him.

Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus -- he's the one guy she refuses to lick." –Bill Maher

"How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"At one point Ted Cruz takes out 'Green Eggs and Ham.' He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss." –David Letterman

"So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he’s tasted it, 'This is pretty f**king good.'" –Jon Stewart on Sen. Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" on the Senate floor

"Well, that's easy for you to take that kind of physical risk – you've got government health care." –Jon Stewart on Ted Cruz speaking for 21 hours

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz began a filibuster on the Senate floor. He's trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he'll be covered under Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Texas Senator Ted Cruz had quite a day yesterday. To protest a government bill that would fund Obamacare, he decided to take the floor of the Senate and keep speaking until he was no longer able to stand – at which point he would collapse, be taken to the hospital and be treated for exhaustion by Obamacare." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas.

He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface." –Bill Maher

"Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you'll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz." –Conan O'Brien