The Best Ted Kennedy Jokes

A Collection of Late-Night Humor About Senator Ted Kennedy

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Ted Kennedy and Drinking

"Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy." —Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. 'I'm for Hillary now!'" --Jay Leno

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys?

Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno

"Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld's resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it." --Conan O'Brien

"They say President Bush has started drinking again. Boy, he'll do anything to get Ted Kennedy's support for that Supreme Court nominee." --Jay Leno

"During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" —David Letterman

"It was a long, dull speech. Halfway through, Ted Kennedy sent drinks over to the Bush twins." –David Letterman, on Bush's State of the Union Address

"Today was President Bush's inauguration. What a great symbol for our republic, the inauguration.

Everyone had a good time. Senator Ted Kennedy was in a good mood, he had a few too many cocktails and was writing his name in the snow." --David Letterman

"Earlier today down in Washington, President Bush threw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals home opener and an hour later they threw out the first Kennedy." --David Letterman

"The Senate offices were evacuated when they found a suspicious substance.

Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt." --David Letterman

"Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. He said crime is out of control. He says it's caused mainly by two rival gangs -- the Republicans and the Democrats. ... It's gotten so bad now that Ted Kennedy won't go to a liquor store after dark." -Jay Leno

Ted Kennedy's Promiscuity

"It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old." —David Letterman

"According to rumors, Ted Kennedy may have had a child out of wedlock. Well, who hasn't? But you know, something like this could damage Kennedy's image with women." --David Letterman

"Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn't denying the report, but the kid is." --Conan O'Brien

"Today in Washington, Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger had lunch with Senator Ted Kennedy. I understand Gloria Allred is now representing the waitress." —Jay Leno

"With rumors swirling of him possibly running for office, George Clooney said the only thing he plans to run for has two legs and a skirt.

To which Ted Kennedy said, 'You can do both.'" --Jay Leno

"The John Bolton nomination has cleared the committee. Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He said he has evidence Bolton bought tickets to a swingers club and forced his wife to have group sex. Today Ted Kennedy said he's heard enough -- he's voting yes." --Bill Maher

"An airplane comes through the restricted airspace and they evacuated White House and Capital. But Ted Kennedy, he stayed cool. He told the security guy 'Cover me, I'm going to Hooters.'" --David Letterman

"On Wednesday, President Bush named the Justice Department headquarters after Robert F. Kennedy. Then he went around the corner and named a strip club after Ted." —Jay Leno

Kennedy Driving Jokes

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." --Jay Leno

"Patrick Kennedy crashed his car and said he doesn't remember anything about the accident, except a huge sense of relief when he came to and he wasn't soaking wet." --Bill Maher

"Congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at 3 o'clock in the morning yesterday.

The head of his office said there was no alcohol involved. That's why it's a big story, a Kennedy, a car accident and no alcohol? That's never happened before." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear his excuse for hitting the barrier? He said he had to swerve to avoid hitting Ted Kennedy who was crawling home. … I guess the apple doesn't stagger too far from the tree." --Jay Leno

"Ted Kennedy was stopped for going on an airline because his name somehow ended up on a no-fly list. Is this really safe for people — Ted Kennedy driving?" --Craig Kilborn

"Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children's book with his dog, from the dog's point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?" --Jay Leno

More Humor You Might Enjoy:

Kennedy's Big Head

"This week, footage surfaced of Senator Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy's head and said, 'Look, the pinata is singing.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Ted Kennedy is here. He's in East L.A. this morning campaigning for Obama. Apparently, I'm not kidding, Ted Kennedy is very popular in the Latino community, and here's why [on screen: Sen. Ted Kennedy speaking in Spanish]. My Spanish is not perfect, but I believe in English that translates to 'I am fat and I plan to eat most of you by November.'" --Jimmy Kimmel"Did you see who's campaigning with John Kerry now? Ted Kennedy! Can you imagine those two giant heads coming down the street together? It's gonna look like a Macy's Day parade." —Jay Leno"Just about a half hour ago, the U.S. Senate finished a marathon session on judicial nominees that lasted 30 straight hours. In fact, at 5 a.m. Ted Kennedy was so tired he put his head down on several desks." —Conan O'Brien"Congress is investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." --Jay Leno"Ted Kennedy said even if Hillary Clinton runs for president, he will still support John Kerry for the Democratic nomination in 2008. Ted Kennedy backing John Kerry -- you know what they say, two giant heads are better than one." --Jay Leno"Schwarzenegger met with President Bush to try and get some money for California and then after the meeting he took Ted Kennedy to lunch. Feeding Ted Kennedy, how much does that cost? In fact, after the bill came Arnold had to go back to President Bush to get more money." —Jay Leno"After the switch, the Democrats would have 51 seats, the Republicans would have 49 seats, and Senator Ted Kennedy would still need four seats." —Craig Kilborn~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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