The Ten Best Bicycle Jokes of All Time

All humor is subjective, of course. But here's my list of the ten best (clean) bicycle jokes of all time. Be sure to memorize at least a couple so you can bust them out on your next group ride. You'll be the hit of every outing.

01
of 10

Two Nerds on a Tandem

Racing cyclists on road
Image Source/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem bicycle when, suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.

The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for?!"

The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."

So the one in the back has had enough. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.

"Look, mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"

02
of 10

Pig! Pig!

The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Along comes a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn and shouting at me.

"PIG! PIG!!" he yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"

So I flipped him the finger and, as I buzzed by him, shouted back some things I dare not repeat.

Still fuming about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.

03
of 10

Spousal Tandem

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.

"Perhaps you didn't notice, sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

04
of 10

A Nerd and His New Bike

Red bicycle with basket
Red bicycle with basket. (c) Stock.xchng

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

05
of 10

Tough Climb for Two

French Alps
Mark Jones Images

Jack and Jill have just climbed L'Alpe d'Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the French Alps, on their tandem.

"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."

"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jack, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"

06
of 10

Hardest Part of Learning to Ride

adult learning to ride a bike
Dave Schlabowske

Q. Do you know what's the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?

A. The pavement.

07
of 10

Problem Dog

Mean little dog
Mean little dog. (c) Aubrey/Flickr

"I've really had it with my dog," says a guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"

"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"

"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"

08
of 10

Cyclist in Heaven

A very devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. First thing the cyclist askes is if there are bicycles in heaven.

"Sure," says St. Peter, "let me show you," and he leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.

"This is great," the cyclist says.

"It certainly is," says St. Peter. "You will have a custom bike and the best cycling clothes you've ever seen, and your personal masseuse will always be available."

As they speak, a blur streaks by them on the boards, riding a gold-plated bike.

"Wow!" the cyclist exclaims. "That guy was so fast that can only be Mark Cavendish!"

"No," says St. Peter, "that was God on the bike. He only thinks he's Mark Cavendish."

09
of 10

The Pedestrian and the Cyclist

Bike lane sign
David Buffington - Photodisc/Getty Images

A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.

"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.

"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.

The cyclist replied, "Well, usually I drive a bus!"

10
of 10

Mark Twain's Wisdom on Cycling

Mark Twain
American humorist Mark Twain. U.S. Library of Congress

"Learn to ride a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live."