The Best Denny Crane Quotes

Boston Legal
Denny Crane (third from right) says the darnedest things. Photo courtesy of TV Land

Egomaniacal, sexually ravenous, prone to malapropisms: Those are just a few of the ways to describe Denny Crane, the mega-successful lawyer played by William Shatner over five seasons of the ABC legal dramedy Boston Legal, from 2004-2008. In later seasons, Denny devolved into a cartoon along with the rest of the show, but early on he was always ready for a clever quip. Here’s a look at the best Denny Crane quotes.

• From “Legal Deficits” (Season 2):
Preparing for trial: “I have an erection. That’s a good sign. I’m ready to go to trial. Lock and load.”

• From “Young Cannibal” (Season 3):
“You know the old joke, Alan? Man shows up at the pearly gates, sees this guy in a pinstripe suit and a briefcase, a cigar, prancing about. He says to Saint Peter, ‘Who’s that guy?’ Saint Peter says, ‘Ah, that’s just God. Thinks he’s Denny Crane.’”

• From “’Til We Meat Again” (Season 1):
Protesting a ban on red meat: “We’re carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.”

• From “An Eye for an Eye” (Season 1):
In response to an unfavorable judicial ruling: “You know what I’m going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I’m going to sleep with your wife.”

• From “BL: Los Angeles” (Season 2):
Trying to convince Shirley Schmidt to kiss him: “Shirley! I’m in my 70s. I’m still a physical specimen, but you never know.

What if I drop dead one day? You never got that last tonsil brushing.”

• From “The Innocent Man” (Season 4):
Defending his inappropriate behavior toward a woman: “I didn’t proposition her. I merely asked her to sleep with me.”

• From “Head Cases” (Season 1):
“Don’t waste your time trying to get into my head.

There's nothing there.”

• From “Questionable Characters” (Season 1):
“Hell, if I had a nickel for every woman I’d promised to marry in exchange for sex ... actually, I do.”

• From “Tortured Souls” (Season 1):
Trying to convince Alan Shore to take on a despicable client: “Alan, c’mon, we hate all our clients. It’s good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.”

• From “Finding Nimmo” (Season 2):
Encouraging Alan to take a fishing trip with him: “We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves ... get in touch with ourselves.”

• From “Men to Boys” (Season 2):
After a female associate takes offense to his inappropriate comment: “I’ve often found that it’s the chubby girls who offend most easily.”

• From “Helping Hands” (Season 2):
Describing his new girlfriend: “Alan, Bev is the woman I’ve always dreamed of: an angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.”

• From “New Kids on the Block” (Season 3):
Greeting a new female associate: “Well, well, well, well, well. If you’re a client, I’ll get you off; if you’re not ... the offer’s still there.”

• From “Fat Burner” (Season 3):
“I’ll have that jury eating out of my lap.”