The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

Format
mla apa chicago
Your Citation
Kurtzman, Daniel. "The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes." ThoughtCo, Aug. 25, 2016, thoughtco.com/the-best-late-night-jokes-3989415. Kurtzman, Daniel. (2016, August 25). The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/the-best-late-night-jokes-3989415 Kurtzman, Daniel. "The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes." ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/the-best-late-night-jokes-3989415 (accessed October 24, 2017).
01
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on the 12-Year-Old Running Trump's Colorado Campaign

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump's campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, 'Look, he's the nominee and we're stuck with him.'" –Jimmy Fallon

02
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump's Appeal to Black Voters

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, 'What the hell do you have to lose?' Coincidentally, that's also the way he proposed to all three of his wives." –Conan O'Brien

03
of 47

Seth Meyers on Trump's Disastrous Campaign

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W Bush's time in office. Said voters, 'Yeah, but I'm not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.'" –Seth Meyers

04
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Trump Crying Foul

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Last night, CNN hosted a town hall with Republican front-runner Donald Trump, and at one point he complained that the rules of the election are stacked against him 'by the establishment.' You gotta give it to Trump. He's the only man who could inherit millions of dollars, have his name on buildings, and still go, 'Life is totally unfair!'" –Jimmy Fallon

05
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Melania Trump

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there's one thing that's guaranteed to get American women on your side, it's a foreign model who's married to a billionaire and never has to work." –Conan O'Brien

06
of 47

Seth Meyers on Paul Ryan

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. And you know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren't even running are dropping out of the race." –Seth Meyers

07
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump's Campaign Shakeup

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments." –Conan O'Brien

08
of 47

Seth Meyers on Bernie Sanders

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let's face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart." –Seth Meyers

09
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Trump's Plan to Get the U.S. Out of Debt

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he'll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like, 'Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh! It's fantastic. I've done it already. It's amazing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

10
of 47

Conan O'Brien on the GOP's White Knight

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Ted Cruz said that a 'white knight' is not going to parachute into the Republican convention and walk away with the nomination. To which the GOP responded, 'You had us at 'white.'" –Conan O'Brien

11
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump Punishing Women Who Have Abortions

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn't yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president." –Conan O'Brien

12
of 47

Seth Meyers on Trump's Abortion Position

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it's pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B." –Seth Meyers

13
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on April Fool's Day

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, 'Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!'" –Jimmy Fallon

14
of 47

Seth Meyers on Trump's Abortion Position

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B." –Seth Meyers

15
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump's Campaign Manager and Women

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Donald Trump's campaign manager is facing charges for grabbing a female reporter's arm. Trump scolded his campaign manager and said, 'On my campaign we only abuse women verbally.'" –Conan O'Brien

16
of 47

Seth Meyers on Trump's Foreign Policy Knowledge

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"Donald Trump was in Washington, D.C., today to meet privately with members of his newly established foreign policy team. They went over key points like, 'This one’s Europe,' and 'No, no, no, THIS one’s Europe.'" –Seth Meyers

17
of 47

James Corden on Trump's Campaign Manager

James Corden
Getty Images

"Trump's campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was recently arrested and charged with battery of a female reporter after he allegedly grabbed and twisted her arm, but Trump is dismissing the allegations and is standing by his campaign manager. I know what you are thinking – how is this the one time that Trump doesn't say, 'You're fired.' Trump's explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he's a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives." –James Corden

18
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Sarah Palin's New Reality Show

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court." –Jimmy Fallon

19
of 47

Jimmy Kimmel on Trump vs Hillary

Jimmy Kimmel
Getty Images

"If it comes down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if the vote was today, Trump would be in trouble. Clinton leads Trump in a hypothetical matchup 54 percent to 36 percent. While 68 percent of likely general election voters view Donald Trump negatively and the other 32 percent don't have Twitter or television." –Jimmy Kimmel

20
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Record Voter Trunout

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Three more states went to the polls yesterday, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, 'There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election.'" –Jimmy Fallon

21
of 47

Seth Meyers on Campaign Media Coverage

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"Bernie Sanders admitted that he ran as a Democrat rather than an Independent to get more media coverage. And it worked, but if you really want to get some media coverage, try running as a fascist." –Seth Meyers

 

22
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump's Supporters

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump's speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he's speaking two grades above his supporters right now." –Conan O'Brien

23
of 47

Jimmy Kimmel on Hillary and Bernie Teaming Up

Jimmy Kimmel
Getty Images

"Bernie Sanders was here on Tuesday and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is here tonight. They're an interesting pair because they're still competing with each other, but eventually we know they're going to team up to stop the deranged billionaire who wants to take over the world. Which if you think about it is basically the plot to 'Batman vs. Superman,' the movie. They spoiled it without giving an alert." –Jimmy Kimmel

24
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Marco Rubio Quitting

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. But he still has a great story. I mean nothing symbolizes America more than the son of poor immigrants growing up to run for president and being crushed by a billionaire." –Jimmy Fallon

25
of 47

Bill Maher Endorses Ted Cruz For President

Bill Maher Better Ted Than Dead
Real Time With Bill Maher

"So, yes, Ted Cruz will be our worst president, but Donald Trump might well be our last. Which is why I say: Better Ted Than Dead." –Bill Maher, endorsing Ted Cruz for president

26
of 47

Jimmy Kimmel on Palin's Reality Show

Jimmy Kimmel
Getty Images

"One of Donald Trump's most high-profile supporters, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is planning to host a new reality courtroom show. She would be the judge. The show doesn't have a title yet but they're thinking about calling it 'Terrible Idea.' It's a strange thing. People wanting to run the country are now hosting reality shows and people hosting reality shows now want to run the country. We live in a very confusing time." –Jimmy Kimmel

27
of 47

Seth Meyers on Trump's Victories

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"Donald Trump won the Republican primaries in Florida, Illinois and North Carolina. Trump did especially well with white males, Caucasian men, and non-women of no color." –Seth Meyers

28
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Who Created Trump

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag." –Conan O'Brien

29
of 47

John Oliver: Trump Is America's Back Mole

John Oliver
Getty Images

"Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it." –John Oliver

30
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump's Support

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling number 1 among Germans of the 1930s." –Conan O'Brien

31
of 47

Trevor Noah on Trump's Penis

Trevor Noah
Getty Images

“The great debate: Does Donald Trump have a small or large penis? I’ve gotta say, personally? I think it’s huge. After all, he’s using it to f*ck the entire Republican Party." –Trevor Noah

32
of 47

Seth Meyers on Trump the Snake

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump." –Seth Meyers
 

33
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Hillary Clinton's Victories

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Hillary Clinton had a big night, picking up victories in seven states. While speaking in Miami last night Hillary said, 'I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness.' Then she added, 'And I will crush anyone who won't let me do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

34
of 47

Jimmy Kimmel on Chris Christie

Jimmy Kimmel
Getty Images

"Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer." –Jimmy Kimmel

35
of 47

Conan O'Brien on a Trump Presidency

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them 'anxious.' And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them 'Canadian.'" –Conan O'Brien

36
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on a Trump Presidency Getting Real

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"Last night was the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump scored a big victory, bringing him one step closer to the Republican nomination. A Trump presidency is getting so real, Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea." –Jimmy Fallon

37
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump and the Poorly Educated

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, 'I love the poorly educated.' Trump then said, 'And when I'm president there'll be more of them than ever.'" –Conan O'Brien

38
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Trump's Wife

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"In a new interview, Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good 'cause if she ever becomes first lady she'll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages." –Jimmy Fallon

39
of 47

Seth Meyers on Trump and Cruz

Seth Meyers
Getty Images

"Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a 'maniac,' he has since learned that Cruz has a 'wonderful temperament.' And if Donald Trump thinks you have a 'wonderful temperament,' you're probably a maniac." –Seth Meyers

40
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on NASA

Jimmy Fallon
Getty Images

"NASA said this week it has received a record high number of 18,000 applications for their astronaut training program. NASA said it shows a growing interest in space exploration. Then people said, "Nah, we just wanna get off the planet before this election.'" –Jimmy Fallon

41
of 47

Jimmy Fallon on Hillary Speaking to God

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"In last night's Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000." –Conan O'Brien

42
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump and Equality

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Donald Trump said, 'There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.' That’s right, he said: 'In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien

43
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Hillary's Plan to Beat Trump

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately." –Conan O'Brien

44
of 47

Jimmy Kimmel on Trump Winning Super Tuesday

Jimmy Kimmel
Getty Images

"You know how in high school sometimes the students will vote for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke, and then so many people get in on the joke, the kid actually becomes prom king? Well, anyway, Donald Trump won Super Tuesday." –Jimmy Kimmel

45
of 47

Stephen Colbert on Trump

Stephen Colbert
Getty Images

"Donald Trump was declared the big winner in the South Carolina primary by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, 'Yeah! OK! That sounds good!' So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience. I thought he was just doing this to promote his reality show or sell more steaks. When he announced his intention to be president, it never occurred to me that his end game was to BE president."  –Stephen Colbert

46
of 47

Conan O'Brien on Trump's Immigration Stance

Conan O'Brien
Getty Images

"Despite Donald Trump's tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is beign accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren't laborers, those are 'future wives.'" –Conan O'Brien

47
of 47

Jimmy Kimmel on Trump's Infomercial

Jimmy Kimmel
Getty Images

"Trump held a press conference at his golf club in Jupiter, Florida, last night where he defended himself against charges that he isn't 'presidential.' He does everything better than anybody. If he was running for queen, he would be the queenliest queen. And how did he demonstrate that presidential behavior? By plugging Trump Water, Trump Magazine, Trump Vodka, Trump Wine, and Trump Steak. He's showing his steaks. I'm pretty sure it's the first campaign speech I've ever seen given next to a pile of unrefrigerated beef.

"Trump was upset that Mitt Romney said a bunch of his business ventures failed so he set these tables up on stage to showcase some of his many products. There's the water and the wine and the meat. Is this Fox News or QVC?

"They're up on the stage next to him as he spoke. It's like he made a trip to Costco right before the speech. Boy did Chris Christie pick the wrong night to be on that stage, huh?" –Jimmy Kimmel

 Next > Best Political Cartoons of the Week

Format
mla apa chicago
Your Citation
Kurtzman, Daniel. "The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes." ThoughtCo, Aug. 25, 2016, thoughtco.com/the-best-late-night-jokes-3989415. Kurtzman, Daniel. (2016, August 25). The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes. Retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/the-best-late-night-jokes-3989415 Kurtzman, Daniel. "The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes." ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/the-best-late-night-jokes-3989415 (accessed October 24, 2017).