The 25 Best Satirical News Articles from 'The Onion'

15 years of hilarity, condensed for your convenience

For almost as long as there's been an internet, there's been The Onion. The website, an offshoot of a once-obscure local publication, uses a news format to satirize American culture and American media alike. But of course, you probably already knew that - because before there was CollegeHumor, Funny or Die, or even Fark, there was The Onion. We diced the internet's most venerable humor site to bring you 25 best bits from its long history.

Ballistic Missile
Joe Haupt / Flickr / CC BY 2.0

"Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.

"'I've heard some pretty stupid s*** in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start.'"

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"Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my c***, that is."

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“At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” said the pope, adding that the difficult new omnipotent deity had been “riding [his] ass nonstop” on everything from the divine revelation to the liturgical calendar. “I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing. Frankly, He’s kind of a dick."

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Printed in The Onion's first post-9/11 edition, this article managed to find humor in a very unfunny situation.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers... But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

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"So I guess I'm expected to believe that, while watching The Empire Strikes Back, the second act of which is practically all Yoda, not once did you wonder what he looked like naked. And when he died in Return Of The Jedi, his robe remaining on his bed as his body disappeared, you never imagined that robe disappearing with Yoda still lying there on his back, his nude form exposed for all the world to see. Yeah, I am so sure."

Related: The Force Is Strong In These Funny Star Wars Memes! More »

"According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

"The time for change is now," said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change."

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Put this one in the "almost plausible" category.

"As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling."

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This parody of the Schick/Gilette razor wars is noteworthy for predating Gilette's actual introduction of a five-blade razor in 2006.

"What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best f***ing razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances."

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I don't even think the writers expected this farcical recap of Bush's inauguration to be so accurate.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

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Kind of a horrifyingly perfect metaphor for the end of childhood.

"Season's greetings from your old friend Santa! My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve! Things are getting so close now, we can hardly contain ourselves here at the North Pole. And from the looks of it, my young friend, we're not the only ones set to burst! Why, Jolly Old Saint Nick hasn't seen a Yule log this lit in ages!"

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"Garry Melcher's plans to have sexual intercourse at last weekend's DragonCon 2001 were unsuccessful, the 27-year-old comic-book collector and science-fiction fan conceded Tuesday.

'I was really hoping to meet some ladies at DragonCon for a little of the old horizontal bop,' said Melcher, who has been unwillingly celibate for the last 17 months. 'It didn't really pan out, though.'"

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"I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-f***ing-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.

She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A f***ing hell of a lot more than $14.99, that's for sure!"

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"If he had been driving just 5 mph faster, or if his parents hadn't had the influence to keep the matter out of court and the endless financial resources to lease a car of the exact same make and model to prevent him from having to face even the relatively trivial humiliation of being taunted by his peers for driving a slightly less expensive vehicle—my God, who knows what could have happened?" Taylor added. "He could have died or, worse, been held accountable for his actions."

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"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

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Most Onion pieces have a satirical overtone. This one is just plain silly.

"Vice President Joe Biden parked his 1981 Trans Am in the White House driveway, removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.

'This baby just needs a little scrub down,' said Biden, addressing a tour group as he tucked the sweat-covered top into the belt loop of his cutoff jean shorts."

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"BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy.

'That is majorly messed-up,' roommate "Thatches" Moynihan said.'"

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"According to the report, sections of the documents— "almost invariably the most crucial passages"—are marred by an indelible black ink that renders the lines impossible to read, due to a top-secret highlighting policy that began at the agency's inception in 1947.

CIA Director Porter Goss has ordered further internal investigation."

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"According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much."

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"I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me," said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life. "And now my prayer has been answered. I haven't been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy."

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"Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.

According to the review, authored by Pitchfork editor in chief Ryan Schreiber, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless 'leaves the listener wanting more.'"

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TERRE HAUTE, IN–The members of The Weebles, a local garage band formed in 1998, actually believe there is something called the "Terre Haute Sound," sources reported Monday.

"It's great," said Weebles bassist Gary Gaspart, 22, speaking from the band's practice space in guitarist/vocalist Jonah Thompson's parents' garage. "The scene is so supportive. It's all about helping each other out, going to the other bands' shows. We're really building on the Terre Haute Sound in ways that are going to blow it up, and I mean wide."

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"I am reminded of the words of Voltaire: 'I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'" Strossen said. "While the ACLU vehemently disagrees with the idea of Nazis torching this building, the principle of freedom of expression must be supported in all cases. If we take away these Nazis' right to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyone's right to burn down our headquarters."

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"From its creation at the hands of a stoned-out-of-his-mind pizzeria employee to its eventual consumption by a group of guys so unbelievably high they didn't even realize they had mistakenly given the delivery driver a $20 tip, this pizza spent its entire existence in a dense cloud of marijuana fumes," said pizza-industry watchdog Roger Dernier, who has been monitoring the link between pizza production and illegal drug use since 1991.

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Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.

"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday.

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I'm a lot like that Cookie Monster on Sesame Street. Only it's more like the Booze Monster. When I walk into a party and see that they have booze of any kind, it's like, "Whoa-hoa! All bets are off! Lemme at that booze!"

This article was updated by Beverly Jenkins on 4-12-2016. More »

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