10 Things Megalodon Could Swallow Whole

01
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Fake Science, Anyone? 10 Things That Couldn't Stand a Chance Against Megalodon

Enya Kim standing in the jaws of a prehistoric shark Carcharodon megalodon
Enya Kim, from the Natural History department at auctioneers Bonhams & Butterfields, stands in one of the world's largest set of shark jaws (comprised of about 180 fossil teeth) from the prehistoric shark Carcharodon megalodon, which grew to the size of a school bus. Ethan Miller/Getty Images News/Getty Images

To celebrate Shark Week 2015 and beyond (and with a tip of the hat to the recently retired David Letterman), I've decided to go the Discovery Channel route and offer a list of facts about Megalodon that may or may not be true. I've given each of the items in this slideshow at least a few seconds of thought, and I've concluded that Megalodon could have (and probably did) swallow them whole, the same chain of reasoning that seems to be routinely employed by Discovery Channel employees. (See also an article explaining why no giant sharks are alive today.) 

02
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A School Bus

It's shameful that some school districts insist kids wear seatbelts, but don't pay any attention to the threat posed by land-roving Megalodons. We suggest bringing up this vital matter at your next school board election!

03
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The Starting Defensive Line of the Baltimore Ravens

The starting defensive line of the New York Giants? Probably not. The Denver Broncos? It might take a couple of Megalodons for that. But you can bet the Baltimore Ravens' starting four would go down easy, as would that of the Cleveland Browns.

04
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A Smaller Megalodon

Lots of animals in the wild resort to cannibalism, eating strangers, friends, and even close relatives. So why couldn't a 200-foot-long Discovery Channel Megalodon chow down on its shrimpy 50-foot-long brethren?

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"Collin Drake"

Discovery Channel

Yes, we all know he's really a third-string soap opera actor from Down Under (you can check his IMBD entry for his appearances in those Megalodon documentaries). But Megalodon doesn't care about dramatic chops, only calories.

06
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The Documents Attesting that Discovery Is a "Non-Fiction" TV Channel

What, exactly, gives the Discovery Channel (and the History Channel, while we're on the subject) the right to make up documentaries with fake facts and video footage? We'll never know, since Megalodon ate the evidence.

07
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Your Little Sister

Wikimedia Commons

You know she's a pest. You know you'll have more room for your posters and your stereo equipment if she's out of the picture for good. Don't be ashamed to give in to your worst instincts and coax her into the deep water the next time you're at the beach.

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The Death Star

20th Century Fox

Well, why not? The Death Star is every bit as made-up as a still-living Megalodon, and it's just as dangerous. Maybe these two heavies will annihilate each other once and for all and leave the galaxy in peace.

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Bigfoot

bigfoot
Wikimedia Commons

You know why nobody's ever been able to photograph Bigfoot? That's right. Cryptozoological creatures should never venture too near to the Pacific Coast, lest they accidentally run into each other.

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An Entire World War II Panzer Corps

If the Allies had been equipped with a dozen wheeled Megalodons during the big WW, you can bet that war would have been over in two weeks, tops. Of course, we can all be thankful that the Germans didn't think of that first.

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The Chum Bucket

Nickelodeon

Can't we put Plankton out of his misery once and for all? Here's for Megalodon making a special guest appearance on Spongebob Squarepants (let's call the episode a "documentary" and get the Collin Drake guy to do the voice work).