Tiger Woods Jokes

Guffaws and Groaners Inspired by Tiger

Tiger Woods laughing
Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Most Tiger Woods jokes these days are one-liners that emerged in the aftermath of the Woods' car accident and cheating scandal beginning in late 2009. But not all of them!

In fact, a couple of the longer pieces in our Golf Jokes section involve Tiger.

In addition to the two jokes above, we must also share with you one of our proudest moments in covering golf, the article titled, "Who farted? Was it Tiger Woods?

" Sports journalism doesn't get much better than that, folks!

But, let's face it, when we think of Tiger Woods jokes today most of our thoughts turn to quips about the scandals.

For example:

Q: What's worse than Tiger Woods driving your Cadillac Escalade?
A: Dick Cheney riding shotgun.

Or:

Q: How do you "Tiger-proof" a golf course?
A: By strategically placing fire hydrants around it.

Late-Night Tiger Jokes

The late-night talk show hosts had a field day with Woods' troubles in late 2009 and into 2010, after he crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant outside his home; after revelations about Woods' many alleged extramarital affairs came to light; after his separation and then divorce from Elin Nordegren.

Daniel Kurtzman compiled some of the best late-night funnies about Tiger from that era. Here are three of my favorites, all told by Conan O'Brien:

  • "Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he's spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man's fantasy life, to living every man's real life."
  • "Another woman has been linked to Tiger Woods and this one is 48 years old. Or as Tiger refers to her, 'my senior tour.'"
  • "A new study says that 86 percent of kids who regularly watch TV can recognize Tiger Woods. Which makes sense, because he may be their dad."

And here's one from Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent.

That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."

The Early (and Often) One-Liners

Jokes about Woods' domestic troubles began making the rounds almost as soon as the news about his car crash and allegations about extramarital affairs did.

Some of the jokes most commonly heard on those topics include these:

  • The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
  • Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
  • What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)
  • Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
  • Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.
  • Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.
  • What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's.
  • Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
  • What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
  • Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
  • Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Har, har, har!

Reader-Submitted Tiger Woods Jokes

Most of the above come from amateur quipsters - folks like you and me. Back when we first compiled some of these jokes - in 2009 and 2010 - we invited readers to add their own jokes to the list. (Sorry, you can't do that anymore.)

And, as the headline warns, some are pretty good and some are not very pretty! (And some are real groaners.) And many of them - heck, most of them - are in very poor taste. But let's see what readers came up with (the italicized name is the name left by each commenter when they posted their joke):

  • Matt: Tiger has renamed his foundation to ‘The First T and A’
  • jill: question: whats the difference between a titleist and an escalade? answer: tiger can drive a titleist 400 yards
  • slobwedge: Tiger gave one of his mistresses the crabs. Now she’s a scratch golfer too.
  • Funny joke: Tiger Woods checked into sex rehab today. Actually he checked into three but they don’t know about each other.
  • Pokrface: What did Tiger Woods say to his wife after having sex? “I’ll be home in 30 minutes.”
  • Brad Taylor: Tiger has now screwed so many people he can now apply to practice law in 42 states.
  • Alex Julius: There’s a new drug out which not only improves your sex life; it also improves your golf game. It’s called TIAGRA.
  • Mick: Tiger was driving his Caddy between girlfriends when it broke down and stopped outside a small garage. He went in and asked the old mechanic if he could take a look at it. As they were both leaning over the motor, a golf tee fell from Tiger’s shirt pocket on to the motor cover. The old mechanic spotted the tee and asked what it was. Tiger said “It’s for resting your balls on whilst driving.” To which the mechanic replied, “Boy, Cadillac think of everything!”
  • brando: How many of Tiger’s mistresses does it take to screw on a light bulb? FORE!
  • Zach: Tiger Woods came out with a new book its called “How to Get in 18 Holes Without Your Wife Knowing”
  • ptz: This one is a riot from George Lopez: “Let me put it in terms that golfers would understand. He played the wrong hole, had an errant drive and now he’s got to get out of a bad lie.”
  • LJ: What’s Tiger Woods favorite course? Intercourse!!
  • ptr: Just wasted $20 on the latest Tiger Woods DVD “My Favourate 18 holes.” Turns out it was all about golf.