Best Trumpcare Jokes

Funniest Jokes by the Late-Night Comedians and Trumpcare

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A roundup of the best jokes by the late-night comedians about the effort by President Donald Trump and Republicans to repeal Obamacare and replace it with Trumpcare:

"Democrats are calling for the new Republican healthcare bill to be called Trumpcare.

Experts say that's the first time the words 'Trump' and 'care' have ever been said together." –Jimmy Fallon

“They did it. Obamacare is finally officially dead… is something they can say once the bill goes to the Senate, then gets out of committee, is debated on the floor, where amendments can be added, then the Senate votes on their bill, which is sent to conference committee, where the differences between the two bills are ironed out, then voted on in the House and Senate again, then sent to the White House for the president to sign. Which is why Republicans were chanting, ‘We’re number one… third of the way through a very complex process.'” –Stephen Colbert

"White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus was quoted as saying, 'The president stepped up and helped punt the ball into the end zone.' Yes, a punt into the end zone. Accurate because it gives you zero points and gives your opponent good field position.

Punt away. I think a more accurate football might have been 'the GOP just kicked America in the balls.'" –Stephen Colbert

"A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said yesterday that it can be hard to negotiate with President Trump because it's hard to tell what he's thinking, also if." –Seth Meyers

"President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on healthcare because 'that's such an easy one.' OK, well, just make sure your healthcare plan covers amnesia."–Seth Meyers

"These congressmen are nervous because the Congressional Budget Office warned that 'Trumpcare' could result in 24 million people becoming uninsured. Trump says the numbers were cooked up by the microwave that's been spying on him at Trump Tower."–Jimmy Kimmel

“Oh, this looks bad for Trump. It does. You know how Putin feels about failure!" –Bill Maher on Republicans failing to repeal Obamacare

"Paul Ryan wrote a health care bill that somehow covered fewer people than just repealing Obamacare, and replaced it with nothing, and it still wasn’t good enough for the Freedom Caucus. It’s like if you wrote a highway bill that made all the bridges fall down and they said, 'Yeah, but that only kills drivers. What about the people at home?'"–Bill Maher

"In the last version they had cut hospitalization, doctor visits, maternity, mental health, lab tests, prescriptions, emergency room visits. Their version of health care was: if you like your doctor, go fuck yourself."–Bill Maher

“Republicans just have to admit: crafting legislation is just not your thing.

Calling in to talk radio and screaming about Mexicans, yes! Posting Photoshops of Hillary with devil horns, yes! Naming buildings after Reagan, of course! Secret gay sex at highway rest stops, yes! But not legislation."–Bill Maher

"Isn’t this amazing? I mean, for seven years, this is all that Republicans lived to do, was repeal and replace Obamacare. It’s all that they talked about, it’s all that they voted on. It’s like the girl of your dreams finally saying, ‘Okay, take me to bed, and then you get her there and…"–Bill Maher

"They folded the Obamacare repeal and placed it in the cabinet of broken Republican dreams. Next to trickle down economics and a Jesus-shaped fighter jet that drops gay people on ISIS."–Stephen Colbert

"Just like that, a seven-year fantasy was suspended because President Trump failed to corral enough votes.

Not enough votes to get a majority?' Well, that didn’t stop him from becoming president."–Stephen Colbert

“After all his campaign promises. Nothing. It’s almost like you can’t trust a fast-talking city slicker who rolls into town promising a magic solution for all of our medical needs. I’m starting to doubt the effectiveness of Dr. Bannon’s anti-Muslim toad oil."–Stephen Colbert

"Obamacare Lite: great taste, less coverage."–Stephen Colbert on Trumpcare

"The GOP's new healthcare bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning when it was passed by the House Ways and Means Committee after roughly 18 hours of debate. Any anyone who's spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows what you get in the end."–Stephen Colbert

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of “Health Care Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge — This Time It’s Republican."It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They’re the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in “Game of Thrones,"a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning. — Stephen Colbert

"Apparently, members were up until 4 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy. Like these late-night musings from Rep. Jason Smith: 'You could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. You know, I love ice cream. Ice cream is probably not the healthiest thing to eat. Why is there not a tax on that? You know what, if you look at the No. 1 cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. Do a Google search: It is the sun. Why have they not proposed a tax on the sun? So if you’re worried about losing your health care, don’t worry! It’s safely in the hands of the guy who’s up all night googling 'why don’t we tax the sun?'"— Stephen Colbert

"The vote on the Republican healthcare bill was delayed today because they didn't have enough votes to pass it. When he heard that, Obama called Trump and said, 'Don't worry, Obamacare covers depression. So don't worry about it.'"–Jimmy Fallon

"Today the House Republicans were furiously working to get enough votes to pass the healthcare bill to replace Obamacare.

As it stands, they may not have enough, and the vote has been postponed. Right now, it's not looking good. The bill is basically on life support — and like most things on life support, Republicans will probably deny it coverage."–James Corden

"On Capitol Hill today, one of the most dramatic episodes of 'The Celebrity Appresident' yet: Republicans in the House were forced to postpone their vote on healthcare today because they cannot agree on what the plan should be, so it's back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, Trump's budget for education cut funding for drawing boards, so there's no board for them to draw on."–Jimmy Kimmel

"The House did not vote on the Republicans' Obamacare replacement bill today as expected. I guess they wanted to keep Obamacare until [shows photo of Trump] they can get this suspicious mole checked out."–Seth Meyers

"Press secretary Sean Spicer said today that the White House was optimistic about the chances of the Republican healthcare bill, but, quote, 'At the end of the day, we can't make people vote.' [shows photo of Hillary] 'Tell me about it,' said one woman."–Seth Meyers

"New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, “the Republican health care plan."— Conan O’Brien

"The Washington Post says Paul Ryan actually got down on one knee to beg a congressman to support the healthcare bill. You think that's bad — he showed up at another guy's window with a boom box. (SINGS) 'In your eyes, the light, the heat, in your eyes I am complete.'"–Jimmy Fallon

"President Trump didn't take any responsibility for the healthcare bill being pulled, but he did announce that he's working on some new books based on his experience. Let's take a look at some of the titles. First there's 'How to Lose Friends and Influence No One.' Next up there's 'The Giving Up Tree.' Then there's 'To Kill a Healthcare Bill.' And finally, 'Oh, the Places You'll Golf.'"–Jimmy Fallon

"Political analysts say that after their embarrassing loss on healthcare, the White House is desperately looking for a win. Which is why this week, they're playing the Lakers. So that could work out."–Conan O'Brien

"It was a tough weekend at the White House. After seven years of saying they were going to replace Obamacare, the Republican healthcare bill failed on Friday. It's sad, isn't it? Seven years. The Republicans couldn't come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four 'Fast & Furious' movies in that time."–James Corden

"The Republicans may have gotten a little ahead of themselves, because hours after the healthcare bill failed, there were actually commercials that aired on national television thanking congressional Republicans for passing the bill. The ad then went on to congratulate 'La La Land' on their best picture Oscar."–James Corden

"Meanwhile, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch started his confirmation hearings this week, and he said that he has his law students think about their legacies by having them write an obituary about themselves. Yeah. Incidentally, that's also part of the Republican healthcare plan."–Jimmy Fallon

"At this point, it appears the Republican healthcare plan is going to die on the floor of the House. Coincidentally, dying on the floor of the house happens to be the Republican healthcare plan."–Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, House Republicans unveiled their new health care plan intended to replace Obamacare. Oh yeah, it’s brilliant. The previous health care plan was nicknamed 'Obamacare,' and if this new plan doesn’t work, it will be nicknamed “Obama’s Fault."— James Corden

"House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new health care plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their health care."–Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new report, the average health insurance deductible is projected to be over $1,500 higher under the Republican plan to replace Obamacare. And the only way that's good news is if hearing it gave you a heart attack now, while it's cheaper."–Seth Meyers

"For weeks now, Republicans have been pushing their Obamacare replacement plan. But the bill has a pre-existing condition: Everybody hates it!"–Stephen Colbert

"The failing healthcare bill isn't Trump's only problem. Last week, two federal judges ruled against Trump's second travel ban. Apparently, when Donald Trump heard about the ruling, he was upset. So, this is true, 'White House officials tried to cheer the president up by showing him a segment on Greta Van Susteren's show, which argued the Supreme Court would never uphold the ruling.'"–Stephen Colbert

"Last night was the big finale of 'The Bachelor.' Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from Canada. Nick didn't plan on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision."–Jimmy Fallon